BrainRants

SOCIAL SATURDAYS Vol 20

February 20, 2016 // 2 Comments

Welcome to Social Saturdays! This is the feature where you get to find out what the Long Awkward Pause staff members are posting onto the screaming void of Grammy talk and Deadpool memes that is the web-net-inter-superhighway. You’re probably following most of them and clicking like on their comedy gold postings…and if you’re not, please [Click For More]

SOCIAL SATURDAYS Vol 18

February 6, 2016 // 9 Comments

Welcome to Social Saturdays! This is the feature where you get to find out what the Long Awkward Pause staff members are posting onto the screaming void of rodents predicting the weather and Peyton Manning memes that is the webs of the net. You’re probably following most of them and clicking like on their comedy gold postings…and if [Click For More]

SOCIAL SATURDAYS VOLUME 17

January 30, 2016 // 10 Comments

Welcome to Social Saturdays! This is the feature where you get to find out what the Long Awkward Pause staff members are posting onto the screaming void of Twitter wars and life hack memes that is the world web net surfing thing. You’re probably following most of them and clicking like on their comedy gold postings…and if you’re [Click For More]

SOCIAL SATURDAYS VOLUME 16

January 23, 2016 // 6 Comments

Welcome to Social Saturdays! This is the feature where you get to find out what the Long Awkward Pause staff members are posting onto the screaming void of Oscar Boycotts and “Be like Bill” memes that is the wide world of webs. You’re probably following most of them and clicking like on their comedy gold postings…and [Click For More]

SOCIAL SATURDAYS VOLUME 14

January 9, 2016 // 6 Comments

Welcome to Social Saturdays! This is the feature where you get to find out what the Long Awkward Pause staff members are posting onto the screaming void of cat videos and Nicolas Cage memes that is the world wide interwoven web (while you’re out living a real life and having a real job). You’re probably following most of them and clicking [Click For More]

Bold Predictions for 2016

December 31, 2015 // 2 Comments

2016 is almost upon us and the staff here at Long Awkward Pause decided to pull the Ouija board out of the LAP game closet, the Crystal Ball from under Ned’s cubicle, and the Tea Leaves from Blogdramedy’s favorite mug to try and predict what exactly is going to happen in the 2,016th year of the Common Era. By the way, 2016 has [Click For More]

SOCIAL SATURDAYS VOLUME Twelve

December 26, 2015 // 5 Comments

Have no fear, because in between seeing Star Wars and setting up Grinch traps, our staff this holiday week has not forsaken the vast frozen tundra of the world wide interweb. Social Saturdays is the feature where we find out what the Long Awkward Pause staff members are Tweeting, Facebooking, Instragraming, MySpacing, Ebaying, [Click For More]

SOCIAL SATURDAYS VOLUME TEN

December 12, 2015 // 3 Comments

Just like our staff; the internet is open 24/7 and Social Saturdays is the feature where we find out what the Long Awkward Pause staff members are Tweeting, Facebooking, Instragraming, MySpacing, Ebaying, Snapchatting, or Emailing during those long lonely hours. You’re probably following most of them and clicking like or fav or heart [Click For More]

Dumb Stuff the Weather Guy Says

November 30, 2015 // 36 Comments

Winter is coming – everyone’s least favorite season. Between the snow and cold, we get to deal with falling on our asses because of ice, and shoveling tons of white crap off our walkways. Unless you live in Florida, of course. I excluded California since they shovel tons of white shit year-round. Weather people are supposed to [Click For More]

Happy Thanksgiving 2015

November 26, 2015 // 2 Comments

As another Thanksgiving comes and goes, with the smell of turkey and over zealous pigskin testosterone filling the air, plus the promise of Black Friday starting on a Thursday…around 6 pm…looming ahead of us like bright shiny gold filled gum drops dropped by a half naked pudgy baby…we at Long Awkward Pause are thankful [Click For More]

Word Has It

August 31, 2015 // 12 Comments

One fun annual event you might be unaware of is the Oxford English Dictionary’s release of new words. This announcement always entertains. At the same time, it can be frightening because you can think of it as a thermostat of how fast we’re dumbing the hell out of ourselves. Srsly. But on to the awesomesauce! You can read the entire [Click For More]

Father’s Day – A How-To Guide

June 20, 2015 // 19 Comments

Tomorrow is Father’s Day. Like other important holidays such as Arbor Day or National G-String Day, LAP wants to provide our expert advice to you, gentle reader, on how to properly celebrate Father’s Day with your father. Here’s [Click For More]

2015 Advice To Graduates

May 27, 2015 // 24 Comments

Howard the manager got a request for a graduation speaker. I was not his first choice to fill the ticket. Actually I think he tried to get a guest blogger when the rest of the staff were busy, but the email found my inbox. He cautioned me about not making a scene or something like that, with words about student protests and such. Anyway, I [Click For More]

The End of the World Tastes Like Mac ‘n’ Cheese

April 23, 2015 // 147 Comments

Because all of the Long Awkward Pause readers are smart, savvy and don’t live under rocks (except for a guy named Hogan from Idaho), you by now know that the iconic food staple of American Obesity Childhood will change. Yes, Mac and Cheese will shift from the nuclear sunset orange color we all know and love to something more… [Click For More]

LAP Covers the Election

April 14, 2015 // 29 Comments

After I recovered from my St. Patrick’s day research, Howard the Manager waddled over to my desk and dropped a manila folder on my desk. It had jelly donut spoo on it, but we’re all used to that here at LAP. “Here’f your next assignment,” he said around a cakey mouthful. He added something that sounded like, [Click For More]

The Long Awkward St. Patrick’s Day Review

March 17, 2015 // 33 Comments

I’m trying to type quietly because I want to die. In a burst of corporate largesse, Howard flipped me the LAP Corporate Black Card. He commissioned me and De Voss to conduct holiday research on St. Patrick’s Day from a Boston pub crawl perspective. What follows are my notes, made along the way. Enjoy. I’m going off to [Click For More]

The LAP Guide to Valentine’s Day

February 2, 2015 // 41 Comments

Here at Long Awkward Pause, we like to think of ourselves as a full-service organization. At least that’s what our manager, Howard, says when he tells us to get him coffee. In the spirit of spreading that special Valentine’s Day feeling, the staff put together a short list of V-Day gifts that will give your objet de l’amour a [Click For More]

Long Awkward Pause’s Resolution Advice for 2015

January 1, 2015 // 22 Comments

If the holiday season wasn’t bad enough for you, don’t forget that it’s not over yet. The stress and overeating of Thanksgiving that kicks off the month of consumer fetishism doesn’t end when the fat, red-velour-clad toy pimp coke-snorts his way back up your chimney. The insipid holiday muzak might stop, but the [Click For More]

Black Friday

December 1, 2014 // 27 Comments

I’m sitting here staring at the blinking cursor trying to figure out a post for this month. Two things are causing me epic writer block. The first is the fact that thanks to my family, I’ve finally been let in on the secret of “What Does the Fox Say?” I’m firm in my belief I could have gone to my grave without [Click For More]

Candy Corn: An Addict’s Story

November 3, 2014 // 33 Comments

Every year I cycle through what some people like to call, “Falling Off the Wagon.” Yes, dear LAP audience, it’s true. My name is BrainRants, and I’m a candycorn-aholic. It started as a kid. A small bag here, a few handfuls there. They were dropped innocently into my pillowcase by well-meaning people as I trick or [Click For More]