Happy Thanksgiving 2015
As another Thanksgiving comes and goes, with the smell of turkey and over zealous pigskin testosterone filling the air, plus the promise of Black Friday starting on a Thursday…around 6 pm…looming ahead of us like bright shiny gold filled gum drops dropped by a half naked pudgy baby…we at Long Awkward Pause are thankful for so many things. Here’s what some of the Long Awkward Pause staffers will be thankful for as they sit down around the table this holiday:
Thanksgiving is a day to take notice of the things and people for which we are most appreciative in our lives. For me, that means friends and family. But 2015 has been a wild year. And so this Thanksgiving, I am also:
…thankful that my email exchanges with Hillary Clinton have not come out. Some things are personal.
…thankful that Trevor Noah laughs at his own jokes on The Daily Show so that at least one person does.
…thankful that Ben Carson is running for president because now we all know how to deflect a knife attack. #BeltBuckleDefense
…thankful that Tom Brady kept his mouth shut about my active role in Deflategate.
…thankful that I unfriended Hulk Hogan before we all found out that he was a big racist.
…thankful that I said ‘no’ to Charlie Sheen when he asked me to run away with him for a weekend back in the spring.
Okay, here’s what BrainRants is thankful for:
1) ‘Murica, in all her awesome, free glory, right or wrong.
2) The fact that stupid people tend to self-chlorinate the gene pool.
3) Bacon and beer, and yes both will be involved in MY Thanksgiving.
I’m thankful for separating from my husband. Because finding out you’re married to a serial cheater is one of the quickest weight loss diets on the market. I can now fit comfortably back into my favorite pair of skinny jeans.
I’m thankful for the friends who “get me” and who all walked through my marital shit storm by my side, with a roll of toilet paper in hand to clean up the mess.
I’m thankful that I can spend an evening alone watching psychological thrillers without my ex complaining that such movies make him “anxious.” Of course, now I know it wasn’t anxiety…it was fear that I’d find out what he was up to and go all psych thriller on his ass.
I’m thankful that, this Thanksgiving, I can serve up jellied cranberry sauce and not that nasty stuff that has actual real cranberries. That’s just wrong.
I am thankful that they finally f*#king released the trailer for Captain America: Civil War.
Oh, and my wife and kids too, I guess. They have their moments.
We are thankful for you, constant reader…whether there be a million of you or 10 of you…we are thankful you spend a small smidgen of your day reading the silly things we write, or at least looking at the pictures we gleamed from Google.
We are thankful for you, Google…for combing the internet for pictures and for ranking us at the top when typing in the words “Long Awkward Pause” or “Tinder articles.”
We are thankful for you, media partners…whether it be a book you would like us to review, a convention you would like us to attend, or some strange food substance you would like us to eat. Thank you for trusting us to not review your product in the same boring way everyone else does.
We are thankful for you, WordPress…for giving us a platform to write on, because without you providing us this outlet, we would be spray painting our nonsense on the side of WalMarts.
We are thankful for you, WalMart…for having walls big enough for us to spray paint articles on the side of your buildings and also for roll back pricing.
We are thankful for you, Countries of the World…for providing us with different cultures to marvel at, wonder about, compare and contrast, and realizing that we are all deep down just the same…except some of you talk with funny accents. We are looking at you, Alabama.
We are thankful for you, Mother Earth…for housing our wacky humans selves, who sometimes do not get along in ideology, religion, and economics. You still put up with us, even though you like to throw in an occasional deadly plague like HIV or Ebola. That’s OK. We forgive you. We know your just letting off some emotional steam. Next time, think about getting a massage instead.
We are thankful for you, Universe…for doing what your doing, and expanding, and being mysterious, and keeping the aliens on their own side of the void. Also, thank you for not letting the sun slip from it’s orbit and hurl uncontrollably into the Earth.
So where ever you are, and what ever you are doing, please take some time today and thank those who are important to you. Hug them and kiss them if you can…or at least put a Thanksgiving meme on their Facebook wall.
Happy Thanksgiving 2015.
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Since I didn’t mention it, I’m thankful for being included in a talented group like LAP. Except for Howard. Donut eating is not a talent.
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