Because all of the Long Awkward Pause readers are smart, savvy and don’t live under rocks (except for a guy named Hogan from Idaho), you by now know that the iconic food staple of American Obesity Childhood will change. Yes, Mac and Cheese will shift from the nuclear sunset orange color we all know and love to something more… natural. As if nuclear winters aren’t natural.
Food producer giant Kraft (who was not asked for comment on this shallow example of reportage) announced they’ll switch from the day-glo orange made of possibly-carcinogenic dyes and chemicals to something natural. Of note, ‘natural’ is their word, not mine. I think Yellow #5 and #7 are natural too. We make them, just like we make poop, MSG and high fructose corn syrup.
Right now, Howard the Manager is under his desk in the fetal position, soaking in a puddle of his own urine. While Howard isn’t the most together grown man in the universe, his reaction is a harbinger of things to come.
In a brief poll around the LAP office, everyone agreed that M’n’C (Mac and Cheese) should be bright, bright orange. We also agreed that we gave not one single damn about that food babe person who claims she caused this, but we did agree that claiming responsibility for ending the world as we know it is pretty much stupid. I didn’t bother calling Coca Cola either, but I’m guessing their executives are sitting around making Pearl Harbor jokes and laughing about Kraft’s move right now.
With that science out of the way, here’s why we know this move by Kraft will end the world: kids. Yes, the messy, screaming, adorable little feces-factories we all love so much. Several staffers here shuddered at the implications of Kraft’s move in light of their kids’ reactions.
I have witnessed a two-year-old embed a sippy cup in drywall because the mac and cheese presented was made with spiral mac, not the bendy elbows. Even subsequent attempts with Spongebob-mac were summarily rejected at high velocity.
Katie related a rumor of an Oregon woman who actually died after her daughter shrieked on a frequency that liquefied her brain and rid five counties of all the resident dogs. The child was presented with homemade mac and cheese. You know, the kind made with actual cheese.
Omaswarian, who’s as bad-ass as anyone, got really quiet and started mumbling something about finding some weapons.
Chris started tearing up and stuck his lip out, but we all pointed at Howard and he kept it together. Nobody wants to be like Howard.
Ned called in to say he’d be late. Apparently, he heard the news on the way to work and had the bright idea to stock up on the real deal mac and cheese while it lasts. We heard screams and gunfire in the background. “Gotta go,” he said, “It’s getting sporty here at Walmart.”
I had about 500 more words of spotless humor for you, but I hear evacuation sirens…
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