Latest And Greatest

The End of the World Tastes Like Mac ‘n’ Cheese

Because all of the Long Awkward Pause readers are smart, savvy and don’t live under rocks (except for a guy named Hogan from Idaho), you by now know that the iconic food staple of American Obesity Childhood will change.  Yes, Mac and Cheese will shift from the nuclear sunset orange color we all know and love to something more… natural.  As if nuclear winters aren’t natural.

Credit: babble.com

Credit: babble.com

Food producer giant Kraft (who was not asked for comment on this shallow example of reportage) announced they’ll switch from the day-glo orange made of possibly-carcinogenic dyes and chemicals to something natural.  Of note, ‘natural’ is their word, not mine.  I think Yellow #5 and #7 are natural too.  We make them, just like we make poop, MSG and high fructose corn syrup.

macaroni-and-cheese

“Clear” Mac and Cheese

Right now, Howard the Manager is under his desk in the fetal position, soaking in a puddle of his own urine.  While Howard isn’t the most together grown man in the universe, his reaction is a harbinger of things to come.

In a brief poll around the LAP office, everyone agreed that M’n’C (Mac and Cheese) should be bright, bright orange.  We also agreed that we gave not one single damn about that food babe person who claims she caused this, but we did agree that claiming responsibility for ending the world as we know it is pretty much stupid.  I didn’t bother calling Coca Cola either, but I’m guessing their executives are sitting around making Pearl Harbor jokes and laughing about Kraft’s move right now.

With that science out of the way, here’s why we know this move by Kraft will end the world: kids.  Yes, the messy, screaming, adorable little feces-factories we all love so much.  Several staffers here shuddered at the implications of Kraft’s move in light of their kids’ reactions.

I have witnessed a two-year-old embed a sippy cup in drywall because the mac and cheese presented was made with spiral mac, not the bendy elbows.  Even subsequent attempts with Spongebob-mac were summarily rejected at high velocity.

Katie related a rumor of an Oregon woman who actually died after her daughter shrieked on a frequency that liquefied her brain and rid five counties of all the resident dogs.  The child was presented with homemade mac and cheese.  You know, the kind made with actual cheese.

Omaswarian, who’s as bad-ass as anyone, got really quiet and started mumbling something about finding some weapons.

Chris started tearing up and stuck his lip out, but we all pointed at Howard and he kept it together.  Nobody wants to be like Howard.

Ned called in to say he’d be late.  Apparently, he heard the news on the way to work and had the bright idea to stock up on the real deal mac and cheese while it lasts.  We heard screams and gunfire in the background.  “Gotta go,” he said, “It’s getting sporty here at Walmart.”

mac

I had about 500 more words of spotless humor for you, but I hear evacuation sirens…


MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE:

Facebook: Long Awkward Pause

Twitter: @LongAwkPause

Tumblr: Long Awkward Pause Mag

Podcast: iTunes or PodOmatic

LAP TV: YouTube

Would you like to see a topic discussed on LAP?  Click HERE.

Advertisements
About BrainRants (31 Articles)
A former career Soldier and hired gun, BrainRants has been angry everywhere. Known for his bubbly personality and ill-formed thoughts, he's elevated swearing to an art form. Famous for being as blunt as a 2x4 straight to the teeth. Bacon lover, beer expert and inventor of new words. Occasionally pens Sci Fi and Military Thrillers.

28 Comments on The End of the World Tastes Like Mac ‘n’ Cheese

  1. I don’t think that they should change anything about it. One reason being the more they change it and use more real products the more expensive it will be. I understand the weight issue with kids but it’s not just the mac and cheese’s fault. There are several different foods that need to be changed to begin with. If people want to complain about child obesity then everything needs to be changed not just one food item.

    Like

  2. I feel that they could have more cheese in Kraft products and it could be one of the reasons for obesity. I feel that they should change the way they make there cheese and go with more natural cheese. (honestly i don”t care i just put that there because its for a grade. )

    Like

  3. I feel that they could have more cheese in Kraft products and it could be one of the reasons for obesity. I feel that they should change the way they make there cheese and go with more natural cheese. (honestly i don’t care i just put that there because its for a grade. )

    Like

  4. What on earth people. Mac n cheese is the bomb digity. It would completely suck for this to happen. I love my Mac n cheese the way it is. Not natural. That’s just stupid.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I personally think that they should not change the color of the Mac n cheese. The Mac n cheese has been around for awhile now and that’s what everyone is used too. They are known for the taste and now that they change the color, the taste will probably change. I don’t understand why the have changed so much in the year.

    Like

  6. I don`t think they should change the color of the mac n cheese. It would not be the same anymore. All of us know that mac n cheese should be yellow not any other color.

    Like

  7. I don’t see any problem with Mac ‘n’ Cheese going natural. They only one I see having a problem with it are the large corporations that market this product. If children are given this natural version they probably won’t even be able to tell the difference, and if they can it’s not going to taste less appetizing.

    Like

  8. Although, I am sure, there was a lot of “tongue in cheek” here you a are far closer to the truth than anyone wants to admit. We have autistic children in the family. Autistic children that have some pretty restrictive food issues. They live off of peanut butter and Kraft dinner and any thing that is the same colour of orange as craft dinner. Like cheezies. Schools have restricted their use of peanut butter in their lunches so neon orange is their staple. I can guarantee you that non orange KD is not going to cut it. I do not want to be anywhere near that house when the first attempt is made. God help us all!

    Like

  9. i think its good to give your kids mac “n” cheese because i like it when i was kid and still like it today .They will like it all the time

    Like

  10. Here’s a picture of my lunch, dedicated to your post on this most Holy of days.

    Like

  11. I think it will come as a big shock to most people and kids because it isn’t normal to them. When we think of Mac N Cheese we think of a yellow orange color and it’s what we are used to. So to change it to a clear color seems wrong and it will most likely be rejected by current fans of Mac N Cheese. Although it may bring new consumers with its “Natural” label.

    Like

  12. Kallie Kane // May 23, 2015 at 4:57 pm //

    My name last name is Hogan and I am from Idaho. What is this Macaroni and Cheese you speak of.

    Like

1 Trackback / Pingback

  1. History of The World: April 26th – May 2nd 2015 | Long Awkward Pause

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: