long awkward pause

SOCIAL SATURDAYS Vol 20

February 20, 2016 // 2 Comments

Welcome to Social Saturdays! This is the feature where you get to find out what the Long Awkward Pause staff members are posting onto the screaming void of Grammy talk and Deadpool memes that is the web-net-inter-superhighway. You’re probably following most of them and clicking like on their comedy gold postings…and if you’re not, please [Click For More]

Ode to Mountain Dew

February 8, 2016 // 13 Comments

According to Wikipedia, in 1940 two Tennessee beverage bottlers named Barney and Ally Hartman invented the formula for Mountain Dew. Below is my tribute to those two fine men: I walked into the 7-11 and quickly made my way to the back of the store where the drink coolers are located. Immediately, I could see it staring back at me. The [Click For More]

SOCIAL SATURDAYS VOLUME 17

January 30, 2016 // 10 Comments

Welcome to Social Saturdays! This is the feature where you get to find out what the Long Awkward Pause staff members are posting onto the screaming void of Twitter wars and life hack memes that is the world web net surfing thing. You’re probably following most of them and clicking like on their comedy gold postings…and if you’re [Click For More]

LAP chews fat with Surgeon General about obesity problem

January 29, 2016 // 40 Comments

Like many of you, I’ll never forget where I was when I heard the shocking news that obesity had officially become the No. 1 preventable health crisis in the nation. In fact, I can even tell you which super-sized meal I was eating. With millions of Americans resolved to lose weight for the New Year, now is the perfect time for us to [Click For More]

Eclectic; A Hipster Conversation

January 22, 2016 // 14 Comments

byline: Jude the Hipster Eclectic; a hipster conversation From the Merriam Webster online dictionary- ECLECTIC: (n) one who uses a method or approach that is composed of elements drawn from various sources; one who uses an eclectic method or approach. For the most part, people who use the term “eclectic” really piss me off. Generally, people [Click For More]

‘The Force’ will be strong with one staff member sooner than others

December 17, 2015 // 7 Comments

By this time tomorrow, one of the staff members here at LAP will be cooler than the rest. Except for Brainrants. No one is cooler than ‘Rants. Mostly because you can leave off half his name and it still sounds cool. Try that with the rest of us and the result sounds like someone grunting in the bathroom stall next to you: [Click For More]

Weird Christmas Ornaments

December 14, 2015 // 13 Comments

While some are at war with Christmas, others are celebrating the new made up holiday of Merry Trumpmas: The remainder are either pulling out that flame retardant fake Christmas Tree, the one with the bottom row of branches that the factory installed lights won’t come on anymore, but that’s ok. We [Click For More]

Dumb Stuff the Weather Guy Says

November 30, 2015 // 36 Comments

Winter is coming – everyone’s least favorite season. Between the snow and cold, we get to deal with falling on our asses because of ice, and shoveling tons of white crap off our walkways. Unless you live in Florida, of course. I excluded California since they shovel tons of white shit year-round. Weather people are supposed to [Click For More]

Happy Thanksgiving 2015

November 26, 2015 // 2 Comments

As another Thanksgiving comes and goes, with the smell of turkey and over zealous pigskin testosterone filling the air, plus the promise of Black Friday starting on a Thursday…around 6 pm…looming ahead of us like bright shiny gold filled gum drops dropped by a half naked pudgy baby…we at Long Awkward Pause are thankful [Click For More]

Your Thanksgiving questions answered by Mr. Knowitall

November 19, 2015 // 20 Comments

It’s been 395 years since that first Thanksgiving, when the Pilgrims and Wampanoag Indians sat down together in celebration and, much like the Americans of today, made a solemn vow not to eat more than your standard bull elk. We know this because of a passage recently discovered in the diary of Pilgrim Edward Winslow, who described the first [Click For More]

South Sobian Tinder

November 16, 2015 // 14 Comments

There is a small country located just south of Siberia called South Sobia. It’s small. It’s poor, but its people are proud. They work hard. They are mostly farmers and bar keeps. In fact, there are almost as many farmers as there are bar keeps. Weird. In the middle of South Sobia is where the library is located, and in the library [Click For More]

Homecoming Season Advice

November 5, 2015 // 15 Comments

I came out of my cave and realized that we’re getting close to homecoming and/or prom season and other holiday-related date situation seasons. By the way, the sun was really bright. It hurt. Moving on… I decided that all of the LAP Angry Dads out there (you know who you are) need a helpful guide to this perilous time of the [Click For More]

How to Use Social Media Without Irritating the F*ck Out of Everyone

November 3, 2015 // 27 Comments

I admit it. I was digital-stalking someone. In fact, I was stalking him so hard, I spit out my oatmeal. It landed on my computer screen and slid down from his Twitter follower number that had jumped from under two hundred to over five thousand since the day before. My stalkee had bought fake followers and I was livid! There are people you stalk [Click For More]

Social Saturdays Volume Six

October 31, 2015 // 10 Comments

Welcome to another installment of: Social Saturdays! This is where we find out what the staff members of Long Awkward Pause are Tweeting, Facebooking, Instragraming, MySpacing, Ebaying, Emailing, Halloweening, and whatever else they maybe doing instead of writing articles. You are probably following most of them anyway…and if you’re [Click For More]

Saving the Earth from an asteroid could come down to a good paint job

October 30, 2015 // 21 Comments

Scientists and Hollywood can agree on one thing: It’s only a matter of time before the Earth is destroyed. Most likely by an asteroid. Possibly as early as this evening. That’s because scientists at the PanSTARRS observatory in Hawaii tell us astroid TB145 will have a near-miss with the Earth tonight around 5:45 p.m. (PST). The discovery [Click For More]

My Interview With A Long Awkward Pause Hater

October 26, 2015 // 18 Comments

Not everybody is going to like what you do, and that’s fine. Art comes in many forms and if we all liked the same style of it, then the world would be a rather boring place. Imagine if nothing but romance novels, country music, 18th century French paintings, and boxed wine were all we had…. I know about 6 of you just said, “Hell [Click For More]

Lamar Odom – I Don’t Care

October 23, 2015 // 27 Comments

Sick of hearing about Lamar Odom, cocaine, hookers and his wife? Me too. Let's do something about it. [Click For More]

7 Ways to Get your Kid to Drop the Video Game…in a Flash

October 20, 2015 // 63 Comments

“No. I can’t leave,” my son says, his voice tight and low. “I’m in the middle of a raid!” These words are from the mouth of my tweener son, twelve years of know-it-all and dedicated gamer of the multiplayer variety. Typically, he shares his two-word vocabulary of “Good” and “K” sent via [Click For More]

Social Saturdays Volume Five

October 17, 2015 // 22 Comments

Welcome to another installment of: Social Saturdays! This is where we find out what the staff members of Long Awkward Pause are Tweeting, Facebooking, Instragraming, MySpacing, Ebaying, Emailing, Nipple Tweeking, and whatever else they maybe doing instead of writing articles. You are probably following most of them anyway…and if [Click For More]

In Which The Dog and I Discuss the New Pope

October 13, 2015 // 17 Comments

I had a conversation with the dog today. We were talking about the new pope. For the first time ever, I am actually not only aware of the Pope’s activities, but I am also finding I actually kinda like this Pope. I tried to explain this to Malachi, but it turns out, he’s not a very [Click For More]