News

See? We don’t know what Taco Bell’s new menu item is either

February 5, 2016 // 26 Comments

There are certain perks that come with being a syndicated columnist. For example, just last month at the Oregon Plumbling Convention, I was honored with delivering the opening plunge in the Northwest Clogged Commode competition. In terms of prestige, this is like ringing the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange. At least in the competitive [Click For More]

LAP’s 2016 Super Bowl Thoughts and Predictions

January 25, 2016 // 16 Comments

It’s that time of year again. The time when we go semi-cray-cray and start figuring out creative ways to avoid our day jobs before and after the Super Bowl. The off days before are to prepare awesome barbecue food and drink. The days after are to sleep, vomit and medicate ourselves past the annual epic hangover we should have earned on [Click For More]

Breaking News: This Spectacular Astronomical Event Visible Today Will Rival Sunday’s Lunar Eclipse

October 2, 2015 // 4 Comments

Last Sunday night, many of you have watched a rare full lunar eclipse, which coincided with the Supermoon, blood moon, and harvest moon. In fact, according to Nielsen Research, the eclipse had been watched by more people than any other show on Sunday night, reaching about 22.7 million viewers and 18.4% Nielsen rating. Of course, the eclipse had [Click For More]

Word Has It

August 31, 2015 // 12 Comments

One fun annual event you might be unaware of is the Oxford English Dictionary’s release of new words. This announcement always entertains. At the same time, it can be frightening because you can think of it as a thermostat of how fast we’re dumbing the hell out of ourselves. Srsly. But on to the awesomesauce! You can read the entire [Click For More]

Heavenly Bodies

July 27, 2015 // 22 Comments

Long Awkward Pause readers are hip, informed and intelligent people. Because this is true, you like to Science, and I’ve been assigned an article to expand your universe. At least to bring space to your place. So I’m about to get all Neil deGrasse Tyson here. Maybe you thought by reading the title that this post would feature boobs. I [Click For More]

The End of the World Tastes Like Mac ‘n’ Cheese

April 23, 2015 // 147 Comments

Because all of the Long Awkward Pause readers are smart, savvy and don’t live under rocks (except for a guy named Hogan from Idaho), you by now know that the iconic food staple of American Obesity Childhood will change. Yes, Mac and Cheese will shift from the nuclear sunset orange color we all know and love to something more… [Click For More]

LAP Covers the Election

April 14, 2015 // 29 Comments

After I recovered from my St. Patrick’s day research, Howard the Manager waddled over to my desk and dropped a manila folder on my desk. It had jelly donut spoo on it, but we’re all used to that here at LAP. “Here’f your next assignment,” he said around a cakey mouthful. He added something that sounded like, [Click For More]

A catchy NASA acronym could lead to restrooms on Mars

January 19, 2015 // 42 Comments

When NASA director Dr. Charles F. Bolden Jr. said that this year’s mission selection process was the most difficult session in more than two decades, it got me thinking: I wonder how Barbara Eden is doing? After a quick Google search found her alive and well, a second thought crossed my mind: What is the criteria for giving a space mission the [Click For More]

Inventive Excuses To Not Go To Work

September 11, 2014 // 21 Comments

Every now and then life conspires against us and causes uncontrollable events. These events intersect our lives in a way that can have very real job consequences. In these sphincter-tightening moments, it helps to have a solid [Click For More]

Long Awkward Pause Celebrates Robin Williams

August 13, 2014 // 50 Comments

There is no doubt your Facebook/Twitter feeds are currently full of pictures of Mrs. Doubtfire as well as Aladdin and that hilarious genie sharing a heartfelt hug. No secret as of today, Robin Williams is dead. Social media is mourning, the only way Social media can. That’s by sharing animated gifs, frowny emoticons, and pictures of nature [Click For More]

The Bullet Points

June 5, 2014 // 22 Comments

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Once again it’s time to throw this week’s headlines on Rant’s desk and watch that little vein pop on his forehead, as Long Awkward Pause presents: The Bullet Points Headline #1.) Rants: Lead [Click For More]

Goodnight Malaysian Three Seven Zero

April 4, 2014 // 33 Comments

The recent furor over the exact wording of the last broadcast from the tragically lost airliner has us wishing for a touch of moderation from the network reporters feeding off of this story and peace for the families. The words in that last cockpit transmission don’t matter as much as the dignity that “experts” and their [Click For More]

LAP Featured on WordPress News

April 1, 2014 // 10 Comments

In case you missed it: For the first time ever, this is not a spoof news announcement: The entire LAP cast was featured on WordPress News, so please join us for an insightful interview into the underworkings and underwears of of this marvelously disorganized humor mag of sorts! CLICK HERE to read the full interview We will also be offering a [Click For More]

Tax terms that can help cover your assets

March 24, 2014 // 41 Comments

After clearing off the kitchen table and finding an outlet for the calculator, I sat down to do my taxes. As always, I made sure to have all the necessary documentation and forms — W4s, tax forms, bank statements, insurance reports, tax schedules and, most importantly, a full box of Kleenex. As I sat staring at this year’s tax booklet, I [Click For More]

The New Light And Air Diet Isn’t For Anyone

March 5, 2014 // 65 Comments

Breatharian’s are lucky, or unlucky…depending on how you look at it…because a Breatharian doesn’t eat. They exist solely on light and air and nothing else. This makes taking one out to dinner a really, really, cheap date. I’ll have the steak, medium rare and a loaded baked potato. My date here just lives on light and [Click For More]

A Play By Play Of The Oscars 2014 (In Case You Missed It)

March 3, 2014 // 46 Comments

8:30 pm: The Oscars begin. Ellen DeGeneres is wearing something from the Liberace collection. She is immediately played off the stage for taking too long. 8:31 pm: June Squib from the movie Nebraska is old. Ellen points this out to America. 8:32 pm: The Somalian man nominated for Captain Phillips does not get Ellen’s joke about him being a [Click For More]

First round of Oscars already awarded — not that anyone cares

February 28, 2014 // 39 Comments

HOLLYWOOD (sort of) — As excitement over the much-anticipated glitz and glamour of this Sunday’s Academy Awards builds throughout Hollywood, Oscar winners for Technical Achievement were the first to bask in the spotlight during an equally prestigious awards ceremony held last night at a lavishly decorated Blockbuster Video warehouse in [Click For More]

Capital One Handles Business Like Your Clingy Ex

February 24, 2014 // 42 Comments

The LA Times recently posted an article criticizing credit card issuer Capital One (you know, that company you’re always getting junk mail from) for including some distressing stipulations in the recent contract updates it sent out to its cardholders (in a letter they likely didn’t open, because they assumed it was another offer for a line of [Click For More]

America In Crisis: Clown Shortage 2014

February 19, 2014 // 55 Comments

National Clown Week is celebrated the first week of every August. This year’s festivities might be in jeopardy due to a record drop in enrollment of the world’s famous Clown College. That’s right, not including the politicians, America might finally be running into a critical shortage of clowns. For over 30 years anyone and [Click For More]

Rising injury rate causes Olympic Committee to question Met-Life sponsorship

February 16, 2014 // 42 Comments

SOCHI, RUSSIA — Already being referred to as the “Ow-lympics” by many athletes, the Sochi games officially became the most injury-ridden winter Olympics ever when, late last night, Ukranian hockey player Watta Jerkoph broke his ankle. According to reports, the incident occurred when Bob Costas was returning to his room with a bucket [Click For More]