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First round of Oscars already awarded — not that anyone cares

image HOLLYWOOD (sort of) — As excitement over the much-anticipated glitz and glamour of this Sunday’s Academy Awards builds throughout Hollywood, Oscar winners for Technical Achievement were the first to bask in the spotlight during an equally prestigious awards ceremony held last night at a lavishly decorated Blockbuster Video warehouse in Culver City. The evening began with nominees arriving in style aboard rented school bus shuttles adorned with banners reading “On To State The Oscars!” Like a major Hollywood premier, beams of light criss-crossed the night sky as unemployed SAG members waved flashlights to keep shuttles out of the KFC parking lot across the street.

“These members of the Academy deserve to be recognized for their achievements,” Academy president Cheryl Boone Isaacs said during a phone interview. “And just because we don’t know what they do exactly, or who they are, doesn’t mean their night should be any less special. Or held during the actual Oscars ceremony.”

Upon arrival, nominees stepped from their shuttles and onto the red carpet, where camera flashes erupted amid a frenzy of selfies. One overzealous autograph seeker had to be led away as he frantically waved a piece of paper, screaming, “Whose paying for these busses!”

Pre-awards show festivities included an opportunity to mingle and enjoy handcrafted hors d’oeuvres, which included slices of exotic meats, an array of vegetables and accoutrements, sauces such as Sweet Onion Teriyaki or Spicy Chipotle, and a choice of six-inch or foot-long breads available in Parmesan Oregano, 9-Grain Honey Oat or Herb and Cheese. The selection of libations was just as impressive, with a choice of 15 flavors of Shasta Cola served to nominees in personalized red Solo cups. Those with a sweet tooth were beckoned to a dessert table piled high with gluten-free brownies and individually wrapped packages of sliced apples.

Upon seeing the spectacle, Outstanding Looper nominee Bill Schlependorf had this to say:


Eventually, after a lengthy 15 minutes of mingling and excited chatter, it was time for the awards presentation to begin as nominees were directed to rows of luxuriously padded folding chairs with built-in cup holders. Taking center stage was emcee and funny-man David Hasselhoff, who had just returned from hosting the Intoxicated Karaoke Awards in Tijuana, Mexico. Hasselhoff wasted no time in setting the comedic tone.

“Except for the time I pitched an idea to host my own music special at NBC, I’ve never seen this many people anxiously picking their seats!” joked Hasselhoff.

The quip drew an immediate smattering of applause and well-timed chuckles, underscored by several coughs, as the evening’s first award, Best On-Location Caterer, was handed out to “Lights! Camera! Bentos!” for its culinary work on location in the Laos jungles for the film Alien vs Predator 5: The Final Beginning.

The evening continued with awards for Outstanding Achievement in Focus Pulling, Best Best Boy, Boom Operator of the Year, Best Dailies Editing and Outstanding Clacker-Thing Performance.

In a touching tribute memorializing past Technical Achievement winners who the Academy lost in 2013, musical guest David Hasselhoff sang “That’s Hollywood” as a large, blank square was projected onto a king-sized bed sheet suspended from the ceiling.

“We felt that a blank square dramatically symbolized the importance of Technical Achievement in films,” Isaacs said of the memorial. “Plus, we couldn’t find any photos of these people.”

Finally, it was time for the evening’s climactic — and most prestigious — Oscar for Technical Achievement:

Best Third-Unit Director In a Supporting Role.

“And the Oscar goes to…” announced Hasselhoff, bringing the warehouse to silence as he retrieved the winning envelope from his Baywatch fanny pack.

Unfortunately, like most awards shows, this one ran long. But in this case it meant immediately vacating in order to catch the shuttles hired to return awards show attendees to their vehicles parked at Culver City Middle School — hopefully before the gates locked. During the exciting exit, Oscar gift bags were tossed to nominees as they boarded shuttles. Gifts included a Motel 6 grooming kit, a Subway Sandwich punch card with at least two pre-existing punches, a partially-filled 1-liter bottle of Shasta soda, a VHS copy of Titanic, Beyonce’s latest CD, and a random pair of disposable 3D glasses.

“This awards ceremony has become the highlight of my year,” said one nominee who went home without the coveted golden statue. “I should’ve stuck with installing toilets and watching the Oscars at home.”

(Ned Hickson is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, or Barnes & Noble.)



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About Ned's Blog (35 Articles)
I've been a journalist and humor columnist at the Siuslaw News for 16 years. I'm also a volunteer firefighter. If the newspaper ever burns down, I will have some explaining to do. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

38 Comments on First round of Oscars already awarded — not that anyone cares

  1. Ha! Hilarious Ned! I had an ex some years ago who worked as a producer for a production company in Boston. I can attest that your depiction is 100% accurate. If you ever need a witness to corroborate in case of a lawsuit from the Technical union or the Oscars or KFC or Sub-way or Culver City or the Street Sweepers and Manhole repair union, I’m on your side. Even though there is some serious talent in backstage/support personnel, all aspects of production get so into themselves, it is impossible to separate the self-aggrandizing from the skill. And each person will seriously support all their co-workers claims of grandeur in hopes of return favors. Talking to the guy who coiled cable (a “puller”) on a toothbrush commercial you would swear that he single handedly wrote ,starred in, produced, and directed The Ten Commandments. It is a very surreal world these lads and ladies inhabit and extended exposure can result in an abnormal ego inflation that must be immediately treated with a hefty dose of reality or you can float away into the netherlands (reminisent of “UP”) never to be seen again (except by high-flying spy planes or orbital space platforms). Keep up the funny work, Ned!


  2. This was hilarious (as was your link to the ‘Intoxicated Karaoke Awards’)…With the winter Olympics at an end I was wondering what a journalist of your stature would cover next. Let’s just say I’m not disappointed;)


    • Thanks, Arend! Although I’m not sure the Academy or Olympic Committee (or David Hasselhoff, for that matter) would agree with your assessment…


      • That’s okay…I would never ask the Academy and Olympic Committee and definitely not David-look-at-my-curly-chest-hair-Hasselhoff for an opinion on anything. As I believe you pointed out in your (by now no doubt) world famous radio interview: Satire is often a great alternative to actual news of sorts;)


  3. Bahahahaa. I bet if the Oscars really went down like that, their ratings would go through the roof – consistently.


  4. This would only be an improvement on the farce that will happen on Sunday. At least we wouldn’t be beaten to death with. “What are you wearing.”


  5. David Hasselhoff always sets the comedic tone, especially when he’s doing drama.


  6. Hahaha! Shasta and the Hoff? I didn’t know either of them still existed.


  7. Clever. “Best unit director in a supporting role.”


  8. There’s an awards show this weekend?


  9. A Best Best Boy. Now what is it they do? I’m dying to know. I’ve wanted to know the answer to this, Ned. I’m so out of it. Oscars this weekend?! I heard the other nominees (actors, etc) got a gift bag worth $85,000!! What?! Including a CD from some guy in Colorado plugging his production company. Did you hear about that one? Great post. I’m going to have me some Shasta cola now. Love the stuff.


    • It’s hard for me to fathom that kind of indulgence. We spend $200 at Win-Co and get six bags of groceries. I can’t image one bag worth $85,000.

      And as for the Best Best Boy, the “Best Boy” the the best electrician in the gaffer (lighting) equipment group. This person still doesn’t sound as important as the Key Grip in my opinion. But I’m too afraid to ask what he’s gripping.

      Enjoy the Shasta!


  10. and the funniest thing is – this is not too far off )


  11. You missed my Oscar for best original story never to leave the author’s Coors-addled mind. Word.


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