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Rising injury rate causes Olympic Committee to question Met-Life sponsorship

image SOCHI, RUSSIA — Already being referred to as the “Ow-lympics” by many athletes, the Sochi games officially became the most injury-ridden winter Olympics ever when, late last night, Ukranian hockey player Watta Jerkoph broke his ankle. According to reports, the incident occurred when Bob Costas was returning to his room with a bucket of ice.

“From what we’ve been able to piece together, Mr. Costas, who was supposed to be confined to his room with an eye infection, accidentally spilled some cubes in the hallway,” said an investigator. “Several of the cubes landed near the room of Russian figure skater Ineeda Cleavitch, who Jerkoph had been visiting to discuss his slap shot. When the athlete was returning to his room, he encountered the melting ice and slipped.”

While the injury wasn’t immediately life threatening, one Olympic physician expressed the need for caution. “You never know how these injuries will go. Especially once his wife finds out.”

This incident is just the latest in a series of unfortunate events which, in addition to having no connection whatsoever to Lemony Snicket, have plagued the Sochi Olympic Games. Among them, a hard fall taken by Finland snowboarder Marika Enne; a broken collar bone for Norway’s Torstein Horgomo; and of course American snowboarder Shaun White, who re-injured his wrist Monday while playing guitar.

Though speculation continues that the rising number of injuries is a result of hasty construction by Russian contractors who, as of yesterday, were still pouring buckets of water into commode tanks between flushes, some have rumored that the introduction of Met-Life as a sponsor of the games was a bad omen.

“That’s like running an ad for a divorce attorney during The Bachelor,” said an Olympic biathlon hopeful, whose name was forgotten by press time.

When asked if Met-Life’s presence might be creating undue stress and an underlying sense of dread for Olympians competing in the Winter Games, NBC spokesman Rich Dickman denied any correlation. “It’s the Olympics. People get hurt. We run Viagra ads during our NBA basketball coverage. You don’t see it causing a rise in illegitimate children from players… okay, that’s probably not the best example.”

Regardless of the number of injuries, the Winter Games will continue — and Met-Life ads will continue to run.

Because like its motto says: Met-Life pays.



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 (Ned is a syndicated columnist with News Media Corporation. His first book, Humor at the Speed of Life, is available from Port Hole Publications, or Barnes & Noble.)

About Ned's Blog (35 Articles)
I've been a journalist and humor columnist at the Siuslaw News for 16 years. I'm also a volunteer firefighter. If the newspaper ever burns down, I will have some explaining to do. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

41 Comments on Rising injury rate causes Olympic Committee to question Met-Life sponsorship

  1. Brilliantly done, very funny point. But let’s put a positive spin on this situation and remember that one Ow-lympic ‘s athlete’s insurance claim is another man’s large out-of-court monetary settlement. For NBC, a Met-Life commercial – nice – but lookee now … 10,000 personal injury lawyers’ ads! Nicer! Now THAT’S capitalism, Mother Russia!


  2. I think you’re onto something here.


  3. Love this up-to-the-minute report because it just happened earlier. 😀


  4. Old Pink Eye Costos has really become the harbinger of doom. I wonder if everyone flees when they see him coming?


  5. It is possible that the issues you described may come from the mental disconnect occuring while ow-lypians (like that) are competeing in the Winter Games with temperatures considered tropical here in Canada. Even our ski team ski waxers (who knew there was a “waxing team”?) got so confused they applied a wax that left our team glued to the ground permanently during the race. At last word they were in confidential meetings to determine how this was possible. They suspect it was heat stroke. I understand that the ski team had to walk back and that the skis will become a permanent in-situ display for future generations to visit and remember the glory of the Sochi Ow-lympics. Oh, The Agony of De-Feet!


    • Lol! I’m sure members of the waxing team are just waiting for a spot on the Olympic bikini waxing team.


      • If they can’t slavage their waxing (and waning) careers as you suggest – Ow-lympic bikini waxing – they could always consider a new reality TV show, the last step in any career before being relegated to has-been status – Never to Wax Again (Sob!).


      • Or maybe they will take a new direction into literature and wax poetic?


      • Moving from Olympic waxing greatness to poetry, would for some, be considered a “slippery-slope” to anonimity, however this team now has an international reputation for an inability to make any slope slippery.


  6. Excellent! Especially the “slap shot.”


  7. Excellent and hard-nose reporting, Ned. I think you may have missed an injury though. Purty sure those Swedish curlers have bruised vocal chords this morning. I wasn’t watching (only hunkered in a corner with my hands over my ears). Any chance you know what they were yelling at? Had Bob wandered into their ice lane?


  8. The Olympics could very well be over by the time I stopped laughing at the word jerkoph. Yes I was easily amused this morning. Coulda’ been the wine for breakfast. Which might also explain the deeply sad commiseration I felt for the poor “hopeful whose name was forgotten by press time”.
    Once again, your journalistic abilities meet (Sochi) Olympic standards.


  9. It’s fun and quite the adventure seeing inside your head.


  10. costas is an american mole, sent by us to take out the other teams. the spilled ice is just the beginning.


  11. lol “jerkoph”, still giggling, and without wine!


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