After I recovered from my St. Patrick’s day research, Howard the Manager waddled over to my desk and dropped a manila folder on my desk. It had jelly donut spoo on it, but we’re all used to that here at LAP.
“Here’f your next assignment,” he said around a cakey mouthful. He added something that sounded like, ‘Dent the puck up,’ but I wasn’t sure. I’m not a hockey guy, nor do I particularly like donuts.
Inside, my dread turned to horror. I was supposed to craft some intelligent piece about the buildup to the 2016 election. Howard had collected some clippings about Hillary, Rubio and Cruz. There were some scribbles about Rand Paul and softball questions on the inside flap.
After a long five seconds of thought, I decided to take my usual approach to Howard’s assignments. On my way to take a dump and clear my head, I jammed the folder in the shredder jelly and all.
Instead of wheedling interviews with the major candidates, I decided that I’d make up a list of other good people who ought to run for President instead. The homeless dude who camps out near our dumpster refused to let me include him.
Douche Guy: A solid challenger for Chris Christie, The Douche Guy will appeal to the Jersey crowd and younger voters. Sure to offend everyone, Douche Guy will polarize the field of candidates and force a better examination of the issues. In addition, Douche Guy could reintroduce orange spray-tan, duckface and popped collars again.
Real Doll: Real Doll can bring the appeal of the woman candidate to the field of choice. In addition, she will have a better appeal than Nancy Pelosi and more common sense and brains, too. She can also change up her wig to appeal to a wider segment of minorities. Her experience – getting screwed daily – will appeal to the blue-collar wage earners of America and lend her a genuine quality.
Sam Elliott’s Mustache: A strong conservative candidate, Sam Elliott’s Mustache will bring gravitas and respect back to the oval office. Like Chuck Norris’ beard, the world will take S.E. Mustache seriously and rekindle a new approach to foreign policy and military intervention for peaceful ass-kicking purposes. Photogenic and well-spoken, he’ll appeal across the base with the maturity and character.
Sock Puppet: This person is as close to ideal as they get. Without a clear gender, orientation or race, Sock Puppet can avoid the usual pitfalls of candidacy. Being a limp, spineless and undefined entity, voters will quickly identify Sock Puppet as a savvy Washington insider. Sock Puppet will be seen as the candidate who can manipulate the system for Americans. The googly eyes will give him/her/it a trust-able quality.
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