Latest And Greatest

Capital One Handles Business Like Your Clingy Ex

The LA Times recently posted an article criticizing credit card issuer Capital One (you know, that company you’re always getting junk mail from) for including some distressing stipulations in the recent contract updates it sent out to its cardholders (in a letter they likely didn’t open, because they assumed it was another offer for a line of credit they don’t want from Capital One).

According to the article,

The update specifies that “we may contact you in any manner we choose” and that such contacts can include calls, emails, texts, faxes or a “personal visit.”

As if that weren’t creepy enough, Cap One says these visits can be “at your home and at your place of employment.”

Incredibly, Cap One’s aggressiveness doesn’t stop with personal visits. The company’s contract update also includes this little road apple:

“We may modify or suppress caller ID and similar services and identify ourselves on these services in any manner we choose.”

Personally, I think the LA Times has really glossed over the creepiest parts of the Capital One contract updates that no one seems to be talking about:

1.) During these visits to your home or employer, Capital One is allowed to leave behind a hat, brooch, or other personal effect to have a legitimate excuse to come back and see you again a few days later

2.) Capital One reserves the right to send you desperate text messages at 4 a.m. after a few too many Black and Tans

3.) Capital One is entitled to show up at your house unannounced (right when Pretty Little Liars was getting good—which only happens every three episodes) using only the excuse that they were “in the neighborhood” and “wanted to see how you were doing”

pll2

4.) It is within Capital One’s right to suddenly start hanging out at your favorite Starbucks and watching you sip your scalding, overpriced beverage from the pleather chair every MacBook owner in a three mile radius has sat in

5.) Capital One is permitted to compulsively “like” everything on you post on Facebook just to get your attention, including the status updates, “I feel so sick I’d rather be dead” and “I’m so sick of winter lol”

6.) After you close your account (that was opened automatically when you mistakenly tore open an envelope from Capital One that you confused for the Pottery Barn catalog), it is legally permissible for Capital One to park outside your house and play Adele’s “Someone Like You” at full volume

someonelikeyou

7.) You’re legally obligated to answer the phone and listen to Capital One’s pathetic whining when it calls because it “just wanted to talk” or because it “missed the sound of your voice”

8.) Capital One reserves the right to compose passive aggressive tweets about your uneven breasts or underwhelming penis size

9.) You’re obligated to show Capital One what’s in your wallet, and if there happens to be a prophylactic, two movie ticket stubs, or the odd phone number, be prepared for Capital One to ugly cry worse than Kim Kardashian and Farrah Abraham combined

farrah

This is a really bad look, Capital One. This almost makes American Express seem like a viable credit card option.

—–

MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE:

Facebook: Long Awkward Pause
Twitter: @LongAwkPause
Podcast: iTunes or PodOmatic
 
Would you like to see a topic discussed on L.A.P?  Follow this link HERE.
Advertisements
About Katie (16 Articles)
Katie Hoffman is a writer living in the suburbs of Chicago. You can follow her on Twitter and Instagram @bykatiehoffman.

42 Comments on Capital One Handles Business Like Your Clingy Ex

  1. Capital One, so that ‘s why you want to know what’s in my wallet so bad.

    Like

  2. I thought I saw Alec Baldwin and a Viking guy peering into my neighbor’s side window …

    Like

  3. “The pleather chair every MacBook owner in a three mile radius has sat in,” how does Cap One know I’m here? I don’t even have a card?! Thanks for making creepy something I can laugh about.

    Like

  4. Gives a whole new meaning to “What’s in your wallet?”.

    Like

  5. Reblogged this on Christopher De Voss and commented:

    Visit longawkwardpause.com

    Like

  6. There’s a car load of Vikings sitting outside my house right now. Should I be concerned?

    Like

    • I mean, that really depends on a lot of personal preferences.

      Like

      • Unfortunately, it’s not Sheena or even Conan The Barbarian’s girlfriend, so I think I’ll just wait it out. But thanks for the heads-up. If I hadn’t read this, I may not have thought twice about a car load of Vikings outside my house.

        Like

  7. No wonder they gave me the creeps, Katie.

    Like

  8. Please, make the laughter stop. My stomach hurts. I always look forward to reading your blogs. They make my day~

    Like

  9. Oh jeez, it’s an introvert’s worst nightmare.

    Like

  10. I had a Cap One credit card for over a decade.the interest rate remained high when every one else’s was low. It was the card that I always used for purchases when I would have used cash or check, so there was rarely a large balance on it. The rates of other cards went down while Cap One stayed high. I complained but was told that they couldn’t possibly give me a lower rate. I presented the facts– every card I had was lower by at least 10%. Finally, I said that if they didn’t give me a lower rate, I was just going to cancel the card. The guy on the other end of the phone was so apologetic, giving me all the great reasons I should stay with Capi One. I finally said, “Just cancel the card.

    Bottom line: It reminded me of trying to leave a husband or boyfriend who is begging you to stay, not by telling you how he’s going to treat you better, but by telling you how great he is and why you should just stay with him and take it.

    Like

  11. Hee! I needed the laugh today. 🙂

    Like

  12. I would gladly accept all of these conditions if their spokesperson were Jon Hamm rather than Alec Baldwin.

    Nice post, girl!

    Like

  13. I may or may not have ever used any of these techniques when…uh working for American Express.

    Like

  14. This explains why Samuel L. Jackson came by for a motherfucking beer.

    Like

  15. *Insert Snarky comment here* I know I have one in me it’s just not quite hit my brain yet. However, I will suggest if they ever show up at your door, perhaps ask them if they have accepted Jesus Christ as their savior and ask if they’d like to come inside to discuss it.

    Like

    • That’s how I’ve started handling all unexpected visitors that show up on my porch. Really throws the Jehovah’s Witnesses for a loop.

      Like

  16. Is it too late to comment? Good. The next time Cap One sends us their marketing, I’m going to pee on it and mail it back. Nice piece, Katie. I Just don’t like banks. Sorry.

    Like

  17. Scary. Capital one needs a restraining order!

    Like

  18. And don’t even try to cancel your card. They’ll keep calling, begging you to take them back. (“I can change. I’ll give you a special interest rate, I swear baby!”)

    Like

  19. Well, that’s creepy! I’m familiar with Capital One from the Alec Baldwin and Vikings commercials but other than that I seem to be off their radar. Maybe they aren’t as aggressive in Canada and I’ve just been lucky.
    Excuse me there is someone at my door…

    Like

  20. I HAVE a Capital One card and they keep sending me offers for more. It’s never enough for Capital One.
    Alec Baldwin is there spokesguy, America’s biggest a$$hole, is their representative to the world. That should tell us all we need to know.
    I gotta cancel that card.

    Like

  21. Richard // June 29, 2014 at 5:26 am //

    This site is so annoying to read on a mobile (iphone IOS7). All of the text is in one narrow column that is only three words wide and off centre to the rest of the page. It’s weird. Some tech guy should fix that for u. You should also test your blog on a variety of platforms. It’s practically unreadable.
    Hope this helps

    Like

  22. Wow, that’s crazy! Thanks for the heads up.

    Like

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: