Latest And Greatest

The Bullet Points

lap edition 8

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Once again it’s time to throw this week’s headlines on Rant’s desk and watch that little vein pop on his forehead, as Long Awkward Pause presents:

 The Bullet Points

 

Headline #1.)

Authorities confiscate $3M worth of shoes from Kentucky home

Authorities confiscate $3M worth of shoes from Kentucky home

soldierRants: Lead investigator was quoted as making the comment, “All of them were just fabulous!”

Headline #2.)

Puppy drives car into Massachusetts pond

Puppy drives car into Massachusetts pond

soldier Rants: Then someone posts a picture that says, “Wow… So drive… Much accelerate.”  Authorities arrest the puppy, and in a whole twenty minutes, #freethepuppy movements begin gathering signatures.  Murrica.

Headline #3.)

Three cops in New Mexico’s infamous anal cavity search case still on job

Three cops in New Mexico’s infamous anal cavity search case still on job

soldier Rants: Most disturbing here is the thought of what these men could possibly value so much by spelunking for it in someone else’s ass.  One can only assume there are three in order to support a full, three-shift effort every day.  Also, we need to know what the poor fool did to earn three years of fisting at the hands of New Mexico’s finest… so we don’t ask for it accidentally.

Headline #4.)

'Godzilla of Earths': Alien planet 17 times heavier than our world discovered

‘Godzilla of Earths’: Alien planet 17 times heavier than our world discovered

 

soldier Rants: Yawn – exiting as Kimye.  You want to excite people?  Discover a planet with seventeen Godzillas, then build them a giant octagon.  Talk about pay money to see that shit.

Headline #5.)

 

Needle lost in tattooist’s body removed 40 years later

Needle lost in tattooist’s body removed 40 years later

soldier Rants: If it’s trapped within the confines of one’s body, exactly how lost is it?  Did this help with his erectile dysfunction?

—–

MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE:

Facebook: Long Awkward Pause

Twitter: @LongAwkPause

Podcast: iTunes or PodOmatic

Would you like to see a topic discussed on LAP?  Click HERE.

Advertisements
About BrainRants (31 Articles)
A former career Soldier and hired gun, BrainRants has been angry everywhere. Known for his bubbly personality and ill-formed thoughts, he's elevated swearing to an art form. Famous for being as blunt as a 2x4 straight to the teeth. Bacon lover, beer expert and inventor of new words. Occasionally pens Sci Fi and Military Thrillers.

22 Comments on The Bullet Points

  1. meredithwyatt1990 // June 5, 2014 at 8:33 am //

    Thank you for this humorous article! May I share it?

    Like

  2. I live in Kentucky and hadn’t heard the shoe story…not that it’s all that impressive, but still surprising I hadn’t.

    Like

  3. #5 ickmaximus.

    Like

  4. Brainy:
    Could you be any cooler? Great work, buddy!

    Like

  5. I want to go to the planet with all the Godzillas! Please take over for FOX news – your funnier AND your funny on purpose which is more than FOX news can say

    Like

  6. Remind me never to get between you and a dumbass headline unless I’m wearing my Gucci flack jacket.

    Like

  7. meredithwyatt1990 // June 5, 2014 at 1:24 pm //

    Reblogged this on Speak Through Your Heart and Your Mind Will Follow and commented:
    What an interesting take

    Like

  8. Ha! I love it. But you’re not excited by #4? I want to meet an alien in my lifetime. I know it’s not going to happen, but I can read a headline and dream.

    Like

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: