So….Got Any Big Plans for the Weekend?
You almost forgot again, didn’t you? Well, never mind, you’ve just got time. Stop what you’re doing, before it’s too late. Clear your schedule. Have you taken care of dinner? Are you wearing the right clothes? Be sure that you’ve carefully set the mood, down to the last detail. You can’t afford to screw this up.
You don’t want to miss the Walking Dead Mid-Season premier on February 14th.
NO! Not THAT! It’s also Valentines Day!
See, I knew you forgot.
Maybe that’s ok. Maybe this is the year to be different. To do something more creative, more personal than just dinner and a movie, or flowers or chocolate or jewelry. (keep saying that until it doesn’t sound like “cheaper.”)
Sure, you could just go to 7-11. It’s open 24hrs.
Maybe this is the year for a Slurpee and a Slim Jim.
Name a star after your angel.
This is actually a thing. The basic package starts at around $50, but you know what a basic package gets you. Do you love her enough to spring for the Heirloom Ultimate Couples Star Kit, which includes the naming of two stars, star certificate, and framed 20×24 combined star chart? And don’t forget the added bonus of something really cool to put in a garage sale ten years from now.
If you are a little strapped for cash, don’t worry – for $5, I can offer a Deluxe Package Star Naming Kit, which includes an actual photograph of the star, clearly marked in the Sharpie color of your choice.
I’ll even shake it for you, free of charge.
(CAUTION! OUTDATED POP CULTURE REFERENCE.)
But what if you aren’t willing to commit to something as permanent as putting your loved one’s name on a flaming ball of space gas? (Hey! Nobody over the age of 10 thinks that’s funny. Put that lighter away and shut up.)
Surprise him with affection: Lie next to your sleeping love, and stare directly into his face until he opens his eyes. Then immediately zoom in for a long deep kiss with more tongue than a room full of
inappropriate google searches speech therapists.
This surprise works best if you are not, in fact, possessed by a demon. Or in prison.
Not the cuddling/soul eating type? Consider putting your feelings to music! There is nothing like a mix tape to add a little romance to an evening at home. (click on the image)
If music is not your thing, you could give her a sign instead, and be mocked on YouTube by thirteen-year old boys for all eternity:
Finally, if you are the sports type, you could rent the Jumbo Tron and tell her how you feel – but any shlep can do that. Show her you’ve really got game. Write something romantic – I recommend “It’s One/Love, for you, my Darling” – on a ping pong ball – and do this:
WARNING – NSFW (click on the image.)
Write it on several, in case you are nervous and
don’t follow through on your stroke miss.
If all of that sounds like too much work, you can always just have a quiet dinner for two at home.
Maybe you can take a romantic “Mid-Season Walk” afterwards.
Maybe you should just move to the couch now.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
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Ah, Valentine’s Day. My favorite faux holiday created by corporate America in order to dupe us into buying shit in shades of red, pink and that other pink color. This year, I call Valentine’s “Sunday.”
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Walking Dead is Valentine’s Day because they both involve eating hearts. Just one is candy version.
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Also someone’s probably gonna wind up lookin’ at some flowers…. 🙂
Love the Outkast reference, well done.
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