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Divergent Star Shailene Woodley’s Shocking Confession

issue #7

In a shocking confession that rocked the pop culture world, Shailene Woodley, star of the blockbuster film Divergent, revealed that she has suffered from a severe form of bodily disfigurement since childhood. The condition manifests with what many consider to be grotesque physical symptoms that include a slender physique, elongated limbs and a generous mane of hair.

“My whole life I’ve been so self-conscious about being skinny… My only real insecurities in high school were having such long legs and thick hair,” the actress revealed in an interview with Marie Claire last month.

Affecting roughly .000001 percent of American females, the clinical name for this rare and alarming disorder is everyonewannapokemetosis, but is more commonly known as SMS, or “supermodel syndrome.”

The photos below depict individuals afflicted with SMS. Please note, these images are disturbing in nature and may not be suitable for young readers.

victoria-secret-models

sports-illustrated-cover

Barbie

The staff at Long Awkward Pause salutes Woodley’s heroic display of courage in coming out about this heinous disease. We caught up with the young star at Pink’s Hot Dogs in Los Angeles to learn more about her struggles with SMS.

LAP: You mentioned being insecure in high school because of your deformity. Were you bullied as a teen?

SW: I was, especially by the boys. They called me a “hot piece of ass.” Can you imagine? Being likened to a butthole? My self-esteem was in the toilet. I received 42 invitations to prom. I realize I look like I’ve been beaten with an ugly stick, but I’m no idiot. I know they had some Carrie-like prank planned and I’d wind up covered in pig semen. Oh, and the dick pics were nonstop. It was cruel.

LAP: Wow, how did you deal with all of that?

SW: I remember praying every night, asking the Universe to end this curse. Every morning, I wished that I would magically wake up with short, stubby legs and a scorching case of alopecia. I plastered my vision board with photos of Verne Troyer.

verne-troyer

Woodley’s unattainable physical ideal.

LAP: But it never happened.

SW: No. (Looks down and sighs.) So I tried to take matters into my own hands. I ate everything I could fit into my mouth – nachos, pizza, Ding Dongs, deep-fried bacon-covered ice cream sandwiches – anything that might give me the round beach ball figure I felt I deserved! But no matter how much I ate, I simply couldn’t gain a pound.

LAP: Oh, the horror.

SW: But then I turned to activism. I started a campaign at my high school to raise awareness to so others would understand the torment SMS sufferers endure. Oddly enough, no one seemed sympathetic to the cause. Except this girl in my gym class, Beatrice. She must’ve felt sorry for me because she’d carry my books for me and buy my lunch all the time. We’d have sleepovers to try and brainstorm ways to raise money for SMS, but things got weird when I walked in on her sniffing my pillow with her pants down.

That’s when I channeled my pain into acting. I thought maybe Hollywood would look past my gross physical defects, like they did with that Elephant Man guy.

LAP: Uh, he actually wasn’t an actor. You must be thinking of the 1980 fil…

SW: Whatever! Much to my surprise, they totally embraced me. A lot of people think Hollywood is shallow, but they actually didn’t seem to mind my SMS at all! I think they realized it gives me “character.”

LAP: Right. So, uh, you’ve cut your hair short. Why?

SW: You know, I have good days and bad days. On the good days, I tell myself I am smart and kind and have many gifts! But on the bad days, I obsess over how I could just free myself of these neverending legs and long, lush locks. It was on one of these bad days that I cut off all my hair. Even though I’ve mostly come to terms with my disorder, there are still some days I just don’t want to look like a mongoloid anymore.

Shailene Woodley

Shailene Woodley today. Still repulsive, but with shorter hair.

LAP: Are there other famous people with SMS?

SW: Yes, let’s see. There’s Christie Brinkley, Giselle Bündchen, all of the Disney princesses. These brave women paved the way for people like me.

LAP: Do you realize there are certain celebrities, including Leonardo DiCaprio, Adam Levine and Johnny Depp, who only date women with SMS?

SW: Yes, and they give me hope for humankind. These sensitive souls are shining examples of real men who look beyond the physical and see only inner beauty.

LAP: Do you have any parting words of advice for others who may be suffering?

SW: Just remember there is always someone less fortunate than you. I remind myself daily that even with all my physical flaws, I know that things could’ve been much worse. I could’ve had big boobs, too.

—–

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About Naomi Lane (6 Articles)
I am a single girl dating in Los Angeles. Sometimes. It's interesting.

74 Comments on Divergent Star Shailene Woodley’s Shocking Confession

  1. ‘There’s always someone worse off.’ Quite. Poor Kate Upton has the big boobs too. How do these girls cope?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh the poor girl! Next you’ll be telling me she’s rich too – why do bad things happen to good people?

    Like

  3. Seriously, she said that. Geez. 😉

    Like

  4. Perhaps we should do more to support those inflicted with SMS? As they have to put up with people staring at their disfigurement all day, perhaps we should show our understanding through some sort of message? Tall (&) EXtremely Thin – or T.Ex.T. – messages, perhaps?

    Like

  5. So this is what alien DNA looks like.
    I think I’ll stick with Darwin and his monkeys.

    Excellent post, by the way. *grin*

    Like

    • Alien DNA… You may be on to something. We must find the Men in Black to stop these evil aliens! Heaven forbid more women walk the earth with this horrifying disorder!

      Like

  6. Gosh. I wish I could help her. But how?

    Like

  7. Reblogged this on Single Girl Blogging and commented:

    Hi guys, check out my new post on Long Awkward Pause. What are we going to do about poor, poor Shailene Woodley?

    Like

  8. Hahahahaha!

    Like

  9. Thank you for this revealing expose’ on SMS, which I think should be expanded into a series revealing even more. And once I actually read it, I’m sure I’ll feel even stronger about that.

    (By the way, I did read it and laughed my butt off…)

    Like

  10. 2/10 – would not bang

    Like

  11. Poor girl needs to go on a show about being a teen that is pregnant so she can know how the fortunate half lives with a little belly. Oh wait…

    Like

  12. I would “take one for the team” – we’ll create an island for SMS sufferers and I will live on the island singlehandedly (sometimes two-handedly) taking care of them as best I can. That way the rest of the world won’t have to bear the burden.

    Like

  13. I will put her out of her misery. Send her over.

    Like

  14. missmelisamae // May 12, 2014 at 3:59 pm //

    I really feel for her. Everytime I get my Victoria’s Secret catalog I can’t help but admire these women for the struggles they must endure on a daily basis. Has anyone thought of organizing a telethon in support of these triumphant souls. I’m sure Jerry Lewis would generously give his time to host such an inspirational event. If he’s still alive, that is. And maybe if he’s not, too.

    Like

  15. Hilarious. I had no idea she said that, but to play devil’s advocate, I really think this is a case of a young actress trying too hard to be relatable. If you don’t claim to be insecure these days, you look like a jerk.

    I guess no one told her that she might’ve picked a different combo besides thin with thick hair… Maybe weird birthmark and horrible breath?

    Like

    • Seriously, if I read one more article about some gorgeous actress saying they were awkward and unpopular in high school I’m going to hurl. I’m certain their publicists feed them this garbage so they appear, exactly as you say, “relatable.” See? Ms. Hottie Body was just like you as a teenager! You could’ve been BFFs!

      Just once I’d love to read an article about a beautiful actress who says “Yeah, I was prom queen and everyone loved me. It’s totally no surprise I’m famous now.”

      Like

  16. Let her know, I’m happy to beat her with an ugly stick, just let me know when and where.

    Like

  17. Dang, you guys are mean girls for real.

    Like

    • Sorry – born & raised in Brooklyn, NY; prone to spontaneous F-bombings; always on the verge of “Burn-Booking” someone (LOVED that movie).

      Like

  18. What can I say, Girlie?
    Brilliant!

    Like

  19. Lol. Awesome.

    Like

  20. The poor kid. I just wanna take her and wrap my arms around and around and around her.

    Like

  21. maurnas // May 12, 2014 at 10:28 pm //

    This was great!

    Like

  22. Oh yeah, she’s hideous alright. I think she’s been misdiagnosed and is truly suffering from verbal diarrhea – a much more serious condition.

    Like

  23. Hilarious! It’s sad because I think Shailene may be one of the better pop culture role models for young girls these days…

    Like

  24. Thank God someone is beginning to talk about this

    Like

  25. Laughed until I had tears in my eyes. The world is a beautiful place.

    Like

  26. The poor thing, how she must suffer. lol. Thanks for the giggle.

    Like

  27. Well, my pleasure! Thanks for stoppin’ by!

    Like

  28. Oh dear, I’m just so heartbroken for her. I don’t know where to begin! Poor lass. Eating ice cream covered bacon. Now that, I haven’t tried!

    Like

  29. My sympathies abound for this poor child. How has she been able to survive with such afflictions?
    On another note, did you know that David Bowie (also afflicted with long legs, perpetual thinness and great hair) played “The Elephant Man” on Broadway?

    Like

  30. This was quite funny to read, and that despite me being of the opinion that a skinny body can be just as much of a painful insecurity as a fat one (and yes, I was bullied because I was tall and skinny, and no, I didn’t get any prom invites despite having that “supermodel look”). But a lot of celebrities seem to make such a big deal out of it. Sure, I do believe that some of them were bullied for their bodies, and I know from experience that body issues are painful, no matter what you look like. BUT. It’s kinda tiresome to read about all of those people assuring everyone that they actually eat, and they can eat however much they like, the pounds just don’t stick to them… It’s kinda sad that people feel the need to defend the way they look, and that this is a very common interview topic. I’m also quite sure some of these celebrity actually diet their little asses of. :p Therefore, it’s kinda awesome to read this humorous post. Thanks!

    If I was a celebrity, I’d be like: “You know, I don’t really think it’s relevant do discuss what my body looks like, or used to look like. I’m happy with the way I look and I do not have to defend this feeling, or the way a certain part of my body looks. And I don’t really care what you think of my body, so go fug yourself!” (I’d be the most impopular female celebrity ever)

    Btw! This all reminds me of JLaw. She’s all about that: “I’m a fat actress in Hollywood, poor poor me!” thingy. In reality, she has a thin body with some boobs and ass. Which is the dream body of a lot of girls. (and men who wanna bang girls) Also no one has ever openly said she’s a fat actress, so the victim coat she’s wearing is very well knit! All this makes me wonder if she either suffers from BDD and honestly thinks she’s disfigured, or if she just wants everyone to confirm what she already knows: she has a gorgeous body in the eyes of mankind. I’d vote for the latter, based on her over-all media personality.

    And I just can’t with Shailene Woodley. Sorry, but I just can’t!

    Like

  31. Hysterical. LOL

    Liked by 1 person

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