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LAP’s 2016 Super Bowl Thoughts and Predictions

It’s that time of year again.  The time when we go semi-cray-cray and start figuring out creative ways to avoid our day jobs before and after the Super Bowl.  The off days before are to prepare awesome barbecue food and drink.  The days after are to sleep, vomit and medicate ourselves past the annual epic hangover we should have earned on New Year’s.

LAP NFL_Panthers

This team…

LAP NFL_Cardinals

…will play this team

Going into this commercial bacchanalia, Howard decided it would be wise to ride the wave of internet hits associated with the Super Bowl and have an article or two.  Good thinking, Howard, considering every single one of us mentioned it each week for three months up until now.  But back to the feature, right?  Here’s LAP’s best Super Bowl thoughts and predictions.

LAP NFL_Broncos

And these dudes will play…

LAP NFL_Patriots

…these folks

Prediction: An NFL football team will win.  Take this to the bank, because this year the Canadian league didn’t gain a foothold in the playoffs because of the Poutine Scandal.  Nor did the European leagues, after Roger Goodell refused to part with all that sweet cash so they could fly here for regular season games and vice-versa.

LAP CFL_Argonauts

An ‘A’ inside a circle is never a good idea

Thought: This is Super Bowl 50.  Since the networks like to make the splash shots for commercial breaks look epic by using Roman numerals, that means this is Super Bowl L.  Kinda lame according to our design department.  “SB L” looks like one of those silly oval stickers everyone has on the back of their SUV windows next to the Star Wars or zombie family stickers.  Or, ‘Super Bowl… Loser.’  It only gets better into the future with Super Bowls LI, LII, LII and LIV.


Prediction: In 2020, women who go by “Liv” will be chuffed because of an entire game staged just for them.  Also, idiots on editorial staffs will, at least once, publish ‘Super Bowl Live’ as if it was any other way, less commercials.

Prediction:  Some famous person will perform in the halftime show.  Said famous person will either: expose a sexually-oriented subset of their said self, screw up by falling off the stage after a smack binge, or generally disgrace the NFL, probably because of a smack binge.  The NFL, of course, aids and abets murder and wife-beating, but don’t fuck up their halftime show.

Singer Janet Jackson performs with singer Justin Timberlake during the halftime show at Super Bowl XXXVIII in Houston, Texas, in this February 1, 2004 file photo. Jackson's bare breast flash during the nationally televised game will cost the CBS television network a record $550,000 for violating indecency rules, U.S. communications regulators said September 22, 2004. As expected, the Federal Communications Commission said it has officially voted to fine the 20 stations owned by the CBS television network, a unit of conglomerate Viacom Inc., $27,500 each for airing the incident. REUTERS/Win McNamee SV - RTRXR8E

Because boobs are illegal in ‘Murrica REUTERS/Win McNamee

Prediction: the National Anthem will be performed at the start, and it will be screwed up.  Based on LAP analysis (can’t spell ‘analysis’ without ‘anal’), any given artist has a 1 in 5 chance of correctly rendering both the lyrics and the melody.  Adding artistic flourish to the melody – in our minds – counts as voice-raping our sacred National Anthem, by the way.

Just... Do... It... Right

Just… Do… It… Right

Thought: Roger Goodell could hear Christina Aguilera mangle the Star Spangled Banner in fifty consecutive ways without batting an eye but would be nut-tapped by a bad halftime.  I vote him off the continent.  And he’s a fan of profit over domestic abuse.

Has time to have quad-colored fucking hair but can't rehearse our National Anthem

Has time to have quad-colored fucking hair but can’t rehearse our National Anthem

Prediction:  One of the commentators will say something generic like this: “To win this game, Team X will have to play better football than Team Y, and if Team Y wants to overcome that, they’ll have to out-sports Team X.”  Genius.  Cutting, insightful fucking genius.

Thought:  Does anyone else remember when the Super Bowl was played shortly after the Rose Bowl, and not in February?

Sure Mr. Goodell, whatever you say

Sure Mr. Goodell, whatever you say

Prediction: There will be one awesome commercial, and it will show when I break down and limp to the bathroom to pay the rent on fifteen built-up beers in my bladder.  Then I’ll have to listen to office talk until someone posts that shit on YouTube.

LAP rop_north

“Your balls are soft, dude!” “Wait, what?!?”

Prediction: The topic of balls and cheating will be heard.  It will be discussed three sentences after the above talk about “Out footballing Team Z” mentioned above.  Like they’re the only team who does that shit.  Too bad their quarterback’s not man enough to admit the truth when his balls are showing, if you know what I mean.

LAP e68a928da5a_crop_exact

“No, I really DID mean your balls”

Now that you’re armed with all this information, go root under your sofa cushions and scrape together all the cash you can.  Run to your favorite bookie and place your bets.  When you all win fat stacks of cash, we’ll party like it’s MCMXCIX.



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About BrainRants (31 Articles)
A former career Soldier and hired gun, BrainRants has been angry everywhere. Known for his bubbly personality and ill-formed thoughts, he's elevated swearing to an art form. Famous for being as blunt as a 2x4 straight to the teeth. Bacon lover, beer expert and inventor of new words. Occasionally pens Sci Fi and Military Thrillers.

16 Comments on LAP’s 2016 Super Bowl Thoughts and Predictions

  1. Someone will win, you can bet on that. Ha! It’s a miracle the Broncos are in the Super Bowl. It shocked most of us here in Colorado. I’m placing my bet on another!


  2. I’m betting on the Chiefs!


  3. I predict everyone will quit before the game is over, and then Donald Trump and Sarah Palin will step in and finish the game.


  4. Yous been playin’ the foosball behind my back!? Foosball is the Devil!


    • With the ‘safety’ and other related mandates in the NFL, football is becoming much like foosball. Which of course is the devil, unless you attach drill drivers to the player control rods. Epic.


  5. I’m just wondering how long it will be before they start adding in-between-quarter shows, eventually turning the whole thing into a day-long music festival with some football here and there.


  6. I’d pay money to see someone cut into the last five minutes of the game feed and run the movie HEIDI instead.


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