It’s that time of year again. The time when we go semi-cray-cray and start figuring out creative ways to avoid our day jobs before and after the Super Bowl. The off days before are to prepare awesome barbecue food and drink. The days after are to sleep, vomit and medicate ourselves past the annual epic hangover we should have earned on New Year’s.
Going into this commercial bacchanalia, Howard decided it would be wise to ride the wave of internet hits associated with the Super Bowl and have an article or two. Good thinking, Howard, considering every single one of us mentioned it each week for three months up until now. But back to the feature, right? Here’s LAP’s best Super Bowl thoughts and predictions.
Prediction: An NFL football team will win. Take this to the bank, because this year the Canadian league didn’t gain a foothold in the playoffs because of the Poutine Scandal. Nor did the European leagues, after Roger Goodell refused to part with all that sweet cash so they could fly here for regular season games and vice-versa.
Thought: This is Super Bowl 50. Since the networks like to make the splash shots for commercial breaks look epic by using Roman numerals, that means this is Super Bowl L. Kinda lame according to our design department. “SB L” looks like one of those silly oval stickers everyone has on the back of their SUV windows next to the Star Wars or zombie family stickers. Or, ‘Super Bowl… Loser.’ It only gets better into the future with Super Bowls LI, LII, LII and LIV.
Prediction: In 2020, women who go by “Liv” will be chuffed because of an entire game staged just for them. Also, idiots on editorial staffs will, at least once, publish ‘Super Bowl Live’ as if it was any other way, less commercials.
Prediction: Some famous person will perform in the halftime show. Said famous person will either: expose a sexually-oriented subset of their said self, screw up by falling off the stage after a smack binge, or generally disgrace the NFL, probably because of a smack binge. The NFL, of course, aids and abets murder and wife-beating, but don’t fuck up their halftime show.
Prediction: the National Anthem will be performed at the start, and it will be screwed up. Based on LAP analysis (can’t spell ‘analysis’ without ‘anal’), any given artist has a 1 in 5 chance of correctly rendering both the lyrics and the melody. Adding artistic flourish to the melody – in our minds – counts as voice-raping our sacred National Anthem, by the way.
Thought: Roger Goodell could hear Christina Aguilera mangle the Star Spangled Banner in fifty consecutive ways without batting an eye but would be nut-tapped by a bad halftime. I vote him off the continent. And he’s a fan of profit over domestic abuse.
Prediction: One of the commentators will say something generic like this: “To win this game, Team X will have to play better football than Team Y, and if Team Y wants to overcome that, they’ll have to out-sports Team X.” Genius. Cutting, insightful fucking genius.
Thought: Does anyone else remember when the Super Bowl was played shortly after the Rose Bowl, and not in February?
Prediction: There will be one awesome commercial, and it will show when I break down and limp to the bathroom to pay the rent on fifteen built-up beers in my bladder. Then I’ll have to listen to office talk until someone posts that shit on YouTube.
Prediction: The topic of balls and cheating will be heard. It will be discussed three sentences after the above talk about “Out footballing Team Z” mentioned above. Like they’re the only team who does that shit. Too bad their quarterback’s not man enough to admit the truth when his balls are showing, if you know what I mean.
Now that you’re armed with all this information, go root under your sofa cushions and scrape together all the cash you can. Run to your favorite bookie and place your bets. When you all win fat stacks of cash, we’ll party like it’s MCMXCIX.
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