2016 is almost upon us and the staff here at Long Awkward Pause decided to pull the Ouija board out of the LAP game closet, the Crystal Ball from under Ned’s cubicle, and the Tea Leaves from Blogdramedy’s favorite mug to try and predict what exactly is going to happen in the 2,016th year of the Common Era.
By the way, 2016 has been designated as the “International Year of Pulses” by the sixty-eighth session of the United Nations General Assembly. What’s a pulse according to the U.N.? Well, a pulse is an annual leguminous crop yielding from one to twelve seeds of variable size, shape, and color within a pod… So, yeah, we got that going for us, which is nice.
Gunga galunga… gunga, gunga-lagunga… which means Happy New Year in Tibet
Nedstrodumbass (aka Ned Hickson)
Justin Bieber will change genders after marrying Kourtney Kardashian. Which gender remains cloudy, however.
Mark Hamill will reveal that he didn’t even know they were shooting a new Star Wars movie when they found him standing on that cliff
A new medical study will prove that eating bacon reduces Alzheimer’s symptoms in patients. At least when it comes to remembering when it’s time to eat bacon.
A new “Magic Mike” movie will hit theaters worldwide, prompting the tagline: “His Biggest Release Yet!”
O.J. Simpson will be found innocent. Wait… sorry, I meant Jessica Simpson will be found innocent.
Prompted by public outcry following the movie Concussion, Monday Night Football will be moved to Wednesdays — a night that the Football Commission says traditionally has fewer concussions than Monday nights.
The Food and Wine Hedonist
The tides will turn on all that gluten-free crap, led by Olive Garden’s Gluten-Full menu.
My New Year’s resolution of going vegetarian will fail at approximately 9:21 AM on January 1st.
Someone will invent this ultimate Hipster cocktail: Kale-infused Rye whiskey, beet bitters, acai simple syrup, pomegranate juice in a cedar-smoked high ball with quinoa encrusted rim. Garnished with a tangerine twist. Curly mustaches and beards will get singed by its awesomeness.
2016 will be a solid year for Saturday Night Live. The news networks (especially CNN) will run lengthy cuts of SNL sketches in place of actual journalism. At the same time (and I’m really got out on a limb here) many people on the internet will think that they are expressing an original thought by saying that “SNL hasn’t been funny in years.”
The CDC will confirm that six more people have gotten sick from eating at Chipotle. The story will cross over into the presidential campaign with Donald Trump threatening to send the Denver, Colorado-based company back to Mexico.
Thrilled with the success of the new Star Wars film, Disney acquires the rights to another classic film series with plans to reboot. By year’s end, J.J. Abrams signs on to direct an updated retelling of The Godfather with Carrie Fisher stepping into the Vito Corleone shoes of the late Marlon Brando.
A series of poor financial choices will lead Caitlyn Jenner to look for new sources of income. By the end of 2016, the television airwaves will be filled with infomercials featuring Jenner touting her new signature brand of transition lenses.
Christopher De Voss
E-cigs will be bought by Apple and become I-cigs. Later in the year I-cigs S will be released, which will be the same as the original, just more vapor storage and a better camera.
In order to improve its image, the Middle East will change its name to: “Mid-East” and have some PR firm make a fancy logo for them. Six Flags will build a theme park there. Six Flags over Mid-East. Popcorn will cost $72.
After losing the election Donald Trump will change his name to: Donny “The Don” Trumpman. He will move to Mexico and sell to tourists miniature paper mache border walls. He will also design his own line of high-end ponchos.
Donald Trump will be swept to his death when a gale of wind launches his ugly comb-over like a sail with him under it.
By December of 2016, we’ll have the least-worst candidate as our President-elect.
Kim Kardashian will continue to crank out babies with bizarre names like a clown car spews clowns.
An awards show will have a controversial event, and that someone will be outraged about it… outraged, I tell you!
Someone in the cast of “Game of Thrones” will be receiving a pink slip
American Idol will bring back the original judges for the final last season.
Kesha will make a huge come back,
Kanye will come out of the closet.
All of Charlies Sheen’s skanks will try and get 15 mins of fame.
Donald Trump will become President… of the Hair Club for Men. However, the company’s stocks will be clipped when it’s discovered Donald plans to only sell to WASPs. White, anglo, sexist, plutocrats.
There will be 137 new studies proving bacon is good for you. Pork sales will soar and a reality television show, “The Porker Family and Their Byproducts” will become a major hit until it’s discovered researchers forgot to carry the 1 while calculating the statistical numbers. (Tip: buy stock in Weight Watchers immediately.)
Canada will birth a new megastar who can belt out a tune, in tune. A megastar with class, good taste, stunning fashion sense, and humility. A megastar who will eclipse Justin Bieber and make double the money Justin has over the past five years. They’ll do this in just five days due to all the “thank you” donations they’ll receive from everyone everywhere who wishes Justin would stop already.
Cheating will become the new black. People will try it on for size only to find out it’s not really a good look for them. Skanky slut never is. Plus, yes, it DOES make your ass look fat in those jeans.
Adele will be selected as THE baby girl name for 2016. Except everyone will try to put their own “spin” on spelling and some child is going to be targeted as a terrorist when they apply for a driver’s license with the name Ad-El.
The most popular baby boy name in 2016 will be Hello. But by the time they hit puberty, they will have changed their name to Bob. Because this: “Hello, my name is Hello. No, just Hello. Yes, HELLO. I’ll say it slowly…H-E-L-L-O. Fuck it. Call me Bob.”
Bacon will become legal tender.
Donald Trump will win the Republican nomination and choose both Apprentice star Omarosa and his daughter Ivanka as his co-running mates – because two running mates are way more classy than one.
Hoverboards will become mandatory and as a result, stairs and walking will be outlawed. The ramp installation industry will see an economic boom. However, it will be short lived as Portland area Hipsters will bring walking back in 2023
The fruitcake you got for Christmas will become sentient sometime in June. As a result, it will continually screw up your Netflix queue with cooking shows and always leave toast crumbs in the butter
Ben Carson will drop out of the Presidential race in late February revealing that he didn’t even realize he was running and instead thought he was dreaming it all
On the heels of Pizza Rat, the biggest viral video of 2016 will be Cucumber Raccoon
Victoria will finally reveal her secret: Psssst, it’s herpes
HAPPY NEW YEAR FROM LONG AWKWARD PAUSE!
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