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The Long Awkward St. Patrick’s Day Review

I’m trying to type quietly because I want to die.  In a burst of corporate largesse, Howard flipped me the LAP Corporate Black Card.  He commissioned me and De Voss to conduct holiday research on St. Patrick’s Day from a Boston pub crawl perspective.  What follows are my notes, made along the way.  Enjoy.  I’m going off to dessicate…

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DAY 01: ENROUTE FROM BOSTON – My first entry, done on this flight to Dublin, Ireland.  No idea what happened to De Voss.  He arrived in Boston in rainbow-colored shorts and a New York Yankees tee shirt.  The last thing I remember him saying was, “But the earring makes me look gangsta, bitch,” to some guy named Southie (?).  After De Voss vanished I seized the initiative and decided to go to the source!  I’m having hair of the dog, on the card of course, and the flight attendant – I believe – thinks we’re engaged.  Poor Steven; whatever keeps the booze coming.

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DAY 03: Dublin is awesome!  I told the cabbie to take me to a pub for St. Patrick’s Day.  Not sure where he dropped me, but these Irish are really nice and hospitable.  They apparently don’t celebrate this holiday, but I filled them in and they all bought me pints.  Although I explained that they drove on the wrong side of the road, they patted me on the head and said, “There’s a buggered up Yank.”  I think that means we’re bros.  In every new pub, I apparently have to explain my family tree, but I’ve proven that I’m Irish, apparently.

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DAY 04: I lost track of sunraise, or whatever.  Molly – my new tour guide – said it was today.  We visited five pubs.  Everyone seems to know her, and not a soul has given her crap about her nose hair.  Nobody there knew about St. Patrick’s, but a big guy with a frowny face asked if “I be speakin’ ill o’ the blessed saints.”  I told him no, I might be a Raiders fan but I’d never talk shit about anyone who won the super bowl since the Raiders’ last win.

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DAY 5:  What is a pint?  Why is the sun so bright here in Ireland?  I cannot find Molly, or my wallet.  Good thing the corporate card was in my front pocket because I need a drink.  Pint.  Whatever.  Have successfully worked my way four blocks up the road of pubs I started on after Shannon Airport. I think it was six or seven more pubs.  I need to know what they call motrin here.  Also wonder about the names of these places.  ‘The Bloody Brit,’ and ‘Hare on the Hog’ make me wonder.  Why name a pub for Britney?

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DAY six:  fckucking computer.  Keys sticky.  Tshis is liek typntg with a hammer.  Four more pubs, no idea here about snaint patrica or cloveras.  Need to find molly cause it bruns when I pee and I have quesitions.  Ian is my new bff.  He will help me findher.

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Seven or 8; hoeward keeps calllig but I don’t udnersnatdn him.  Three pusb toyda.  Fell sick.  I cnat see to tyep.  Hoew maany pubbbbbbs ar in eyrladn?    Molly   boooobs

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Ni9e a;l ; jfi fmkoa;o l0394 lvmk polksf;l; dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd ddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd pfsadlkmv!

Log Entry Addendum found in Rants' pocket by a constable.

Log Entry Addendum found in Rants’ pocket by a constable.

Teeeeeeeen hi constable what doe tha mean?  Ima Irish.


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About BrainRants (31 Articles)
A former career Soldier and hired gun, BrainRants has been angry everywhere. Known for his bubbly personality and ill-formed thoughts, he's elevated swearing to an art form. Famous for being as blunt as a 2x4 straight to the teeth. Bacon lover, beer expert and inventor of new words. Occasionally pens Sci Fi and Military Thrillers.

33 Comments on The Long Awkward St. Patrick’s Day Review

  1. i giggled and guffawed reading this. very entertaining. glad you enjoyed Dublin… it IS a sparkling city. happy St Paddy’s Day to you… Fill yer boots!

    thanks for sharing this. it kinda made my day!
    Slainte Mhath!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. beautiful article.
    I am new on wordpress.please follow my blog here https://faisalfairuh.wordpress.com/

    Like

  3. Happy to be English and with a functioning liver today.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I need someone to pick me up. I’m still in Boston.

    Like

  5. You must have a bladder the size of a bomber.
    I mean…tank. *grin*

    Like

  6. What happened to day 2? Loved this.

    Like

  7. Hahaha, very good show! Also, Molly boooobs!!! YES!

    Like

  8. I love the Irish, don’t need a special fekking day for a reason to drink, it’s every day.

    Like

  9. Funny, DeVoss. Chicago is where it’s at. Then off to Ireland. Just a tip for next year.

    Like

  10. Much colder there, though.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. This could practically be the same travelogue I wrote when I went to Ireland for St Patrick’s Day! Without, you know, the drinking and passing out and constabulary and barfing on Molly’s boobs. But besides that, ditto.

    Like

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