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Long Awkward Pause’s Resolution Advice for 2015

If the holiday season wasn’t bad enough for you, don’t forget that it’s not over yet.  The stress and overeating of Thanksgiving that kicks off the month of consumer fetishism doesn’t end when the fat, red-velour-clad toy pimp coke-snorts his way back up your chimney.  The insipid holiday muzak might stop, but the capstone of our season is New Year’s.  Yes, I put the damn apostrophe before the S.

Tasked to kick off the 2015 blogging year, I’m focusing on the trite habit we have of making resolutions.  My typical practice is to resolutely resolve to make no resolutions.  At this task, I’ve excelled.  However, that would make a pretty short and unsatisfying blog post, wouldn’t it?  So my idea is more of a suggestion to you out there: a New Year’s resolution to declutter our lives.  I’ll use some of my more awesome 2014 acquisitions, gifts and WTF-esque crap as examples.


The Hands Bra

I don’t need this anymore, and I’m going to regift this (I’m looking at you, De Voss).  The girlfriend who cast my hands as her bra is gone, along with her attachment issues.  I will miss my pet rabbit, though.

LAP Earrings


A loyal fan sent these to me, even after I insisted that I have not and never intend to pierce my ears.  Sorry, Eddie, I really hope you get the treatment you need.

LAP PickleYodeling Pickle Toy

I’ll drop this at a local Salvation Army, so that some lucky kid can benefit from the sick sense of humor some of my relatives believe is normal.


F-U Flask.

I’m not getting rid of this, actually.  Rather, I’m taking it to work.  As long as it’s out of my house, it counts as decluttering.  Also, nothing says, “I don’t give a crap” like drinking on the job from this beauty.

LAP Glitter

S#!t Glitter

I’ll admit that this awesome gag gift made me the life of a party following a broccoli/egg salad/chili feast.  I maintain that the Sriracha sauce helped with the realism of the volcanic event.  The abrasiveness of the glitter made cleanup a literal pain, so this stuff is out.



A devoted LAP fan of mine sent this to me complete with the cookies.  The note from her said, “Your creative process.”  You can’t find admiration like this easily anymore, but I have to make room on the shelf.

LAP EvilGecko


No effort required.  This little guy sat and mocked me in silence for months before he announced that he was off to Hollywood to pursue a career in advertising.

Divorce papers and cash with misc items

Divorce Paperwork

Scratch that, I’m having that framed.  I might put my flask next to it.

LAP NothingNothing

This is another lovely gift from my fan base.  Unlike the Pooping Elf, this one didn’t come with a note of explanation.  I also couldn’t read the return address, so I will recycle the included manifesto.  I’d burn it but the white powder on it makes me nervous about that idea.

LAP Head

Shrunken Head

No comment on this until the statute of limitations runs out.

There you have it – a great example of how easy it is to not only declutter your life but stick to your New Year’s resolution.  I’d go on, but there’s someone peering in my window… probably the mailman.



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About BrainRants (31 Articles)
A former career Soldier and hired gun, BrainRants has been angry everywhere. Known for his bubbly personality and ill-formed thoughts, he's elevated swearing to an art form. Famous for being as blunt as a 2x4 straight to the teeth. Bacon lover, beer expert and inventor of new words. Occasionally pens Sci Fi and Military Thrillers.

22 Comments on Long Awkward Pause’s Resolution Advice for 2015

  1. This is a great idea! Now you have more room to store unitaskers like waffle makers and quesedilla presses or breakfast sandwich makers. Or you can just buy, you know, a pan.


    • I’m considering adopting a circus midget who will live in the cabinet where all the unitaskers once sat. The midget will keep the pan seasoned properly.


  2. Reblogged this on Living The Dream? and commented:
    This is by far the best New Years Resolution Blog Post I have run across. This author has my sense of humor. We should become pals!



    Liked by 1 person

  3. Did you really get these or am I just being gullible, again? Either way, funny and a bit creepy, especially #1. They should make a movie about that one.

    Your resolution is generally my resolution. This year, I made an exception to quit taking things so literally. I was doing okay until I saw the jar of nothing. Seriously, when someone says, ” I want nothing”, and is being sincere, it doesn’t mean, “I want a jar with an explanation as to why there is nothing in the jar.”….Ooops, resolution fail.


  4. I am quite thankful I lead a very boring life and do not have a large enough fan base, or a fan base weird enough to send me odd gifts to declutter. If I were in possession of some of your gifts, I’m sure I would dress in black, be Ninja like so no one would see me drop the gifts off at the local donation bin. Happy New Year.


  5. Someone, somewhere, is cursing you for not putting this stuff on eBay.
    Maybe next year, auction it off on your blog. Then, you can afford to buy more stuff so you can just pull this post out of your butt for next year.


    Happy 2015!


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