Latest And Greatest

Black Friday

I'm sitting here staring at the blinking cursor trying to figure out a post for this month.  Two things are causing me epic writer block.  The first is the fact that thanks to my family, I've finally been let in on the secret of "What Does the Fox Say?"  I'm firm in my belief I could have gone to my grave without that earworm rooting in my head.

The second issue that slows my thought process down is the entire Christmas franchise we have going on in this country.  Do you want to take something really awesome and instantly rub all the shiny off of it?  Great – send it to ‘Murrica.  We can commercialize anything.  Thank you, ‘Murrica, for Black Friday.  You couldn’t have picked a better name.  It describes my mood and the bruises I got.

Forget that we’ll have a dying fir tree propped up in our family rooms shedding needles that will embed themselves in our feet for the rest of the year.  This is why I decorate trees while I’m drunk on cheap beer and use an overhand technique I learned at the bowling alley.

christmas

Forget that we’ll be outside, precariously balanced on a rickety ladder hanging lights on everything taller than ourselves.  Meanwhile, Canada is pumping air colder than my freezer down on us.  It will take a month for the feeling to return to my fingers and toes.

I don’t know about you out there in reader-land, but what really irritates me is the fact that American Christmas starts on Black Friday and doesn’t really stop until the after-after-after-Christmas sales trickle out around March.  This orgy of consumer gluttony is accompanied by a schlock-y mix of the most heinous Christmas music ever inflicted on the human eardrum.

Because that’s not torture enough, every store across the country has geared up for this orgy of debt spending by marking their wares up by 25% and then – just for us – offering them at 10% off.  The crap left in the warehouse from last year is marked off at a 50% rate.

This mysterious accounting attracts every single bargain shopper for miles around.  Enjoy hiking three miles from the last parking spot in the county so you can get rammed out of the way by an angry, spandex-clad WalMartian who will claw your eyes out just to get the last ShamWow on the shelf.  Everyone wants one of those gems.

blackfridaymov

If you’re like me – fairly large – you might withstand the hip checks and Stooge-worthy eye jabs.  But every collision in the toy area further dislodges the gravy train of food that’s packing my intestines.  Of the 46 million turkeys orgied upon this year, I have at least three-quarters of one lodged somewhere between my stomach and my good idea generator.  Cleanup in aisle five.

I know at least half of you are sitting out there, sipping your last pumpkin-spiced whatever and thinking, “Dear Lord, this man is one ball of bitter.”  The other half of you are giggling at the poop jokes I just managed to make up there in the preceding paragraph.

So get ready to watch your credit cards get visibly thinner with each swipe.  Know that within months, every store you spent money in will have a security breach with your account information stolen.  Make sure you wish someone a Merry Christmas.  If you do it loud enough, you’ll be sure to offend someone sensitive who thinks their rights are violated when you say that.

Have a Non-Sucky That-Part-of-the-Year
————————–

MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE:

Facebook: Long Awkward Pause

Twitter: @LongAwkPause

Tumblr: Long Awkward Pause Mag

Podcast: iTunes or PodOmatic

Would you like to see a topic discussed on LAP?  Click HERE.

Advertisements
About BrainRants (31 Articles)
A former career Soldier and hired gun, BrainRants has been angry everywhere. Known for his bubbly personality and ill-formed thoughts, he's elevated swearing to an art form. Famous for being as blunt as a 2x4 straight to the teeth. Bacon lover, beer expert and inventor of new words. Occasionally pens Sci Fi and Military Thrillers.

26 Comments on Black Friday

  1. The cold weather is the Canadian’s fault eh? Well, it was a lovely 16 Celsius in southern Ontario yesterday, I even had my windows open. I think you will have to blame that other American state way up north – Alaska. 🙂

    Like

  2. I have been of the opinion that a store could sell a single item for $2, or 2 for $5 and people would buy two of them every time. Why? Cause.. ‘Merica, that’s why.

    Like

  3. I hope you are enjoying our frigid air coming at ya. XD I just ed at that..

    Like

  4. Black Friday came to Copenhagen and all the pickpocketers came out and had a ball! I think it was the biggest day for wallets and phones being stolen in 2014

    http://www.danikamaia.com

    Like

  5. I hope you have a non sucky part of the year, too. Humbug…This sh*t starts way before black Friday…I could elaborate, but I won’t, since this is your post.

    Like

  6. I get what you’re saying (and a lot of people moaning about the over-done Christmas in ‘merca) but honestly man, it’s your choice how you celebrate it, or don’t. Who says you have to put up a dying tree? Who says you have to shop on Black Friday? Do Christmas your way, however it makes you happy. That’s the awesome part of being an adult. 🙂

    Like

  7. …..what did I just watch?

    Like

  8. Totally agree with every word. Hope you’re feeling a little cheerier.

    Like

  9. There is a glorious pic of Black Friday in the UK on my blog. Thanks for the exporting the tradition across the pond!
    “Black Friday, a great way to save money on items you don’t actually need”

    Like

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: