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BrainRants

How To Spot a D-Bag on the Highway

August 28, 2014 // 20 Comments

It’s inevitable.  You’re comfortable on your morning commute and just about to raise that thermal mug of delightful coffee to your lips for a sip.  From the fast lane, a minivan executes a three-lane kamikaze dive from hell toward the off-ramp.  From the on-ramp preceding it, an SUV careens blindly into traffic as the driver babbles [Click For More]

STATE OF FOOD

July 31, 2014 // 16 Comments

One of those fluff pieces that our lamestream media insert into online content to balance out the death, destruction and general asshattery of our elected official buffoons that chokes out our eyeballs like cholesterol in a fat guy’s aorta are common.  One such “article” piqued my interest – Official State foods. At first [Click For More]

The Bullet Points

June 5, 2014 // 22 Comments

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Once again it’s time to throw this week’s headlines on Rant’s desk and watch that little vein pop on his forehead, as Long Awkward Pause presents:  The Bullet Points   Headline #1.) Rants: Lead [Click For More]

Nerdboy Dating 101

May 5, 2014 // 62 Comments

Here at Long Awkward Pause, we noticed that our dating advice is skewed primarily toward the female side of our readership. Always wanting to avoid a lawsuit take care of our loyal readers, we decided to try a piece from a male point of view. Unfortunately, most of the staff who pee standing up were busy with the exception of one… Rants. [Click For More]

The Bullet Points

April 18, 2014 // 59 Comments

It’s time once again to wake Rants up way too early. deny him his coffee and bacon, and throw today’s headlines at him to get his take on the top stories. Did I mention that we have to wear one of those protective suits that attack dogs practice on? Did I mention we all have to leave the office and lock the door behind us? Did I [Click For More]

What Your Autocorrect Says About You

March 7, 2014 // 51 Comments

We all have hated upon our autocorrect when texting, emailing or other text-based functions on our allegedly-smart phones. “Fuck you, Autocorrect!” we scream from our cube farms. You might have been dumped in advance when you open with a flirty ‘Want to have fun later?’ and your evil phone corrected it to ‘Want to have fuck later?’ [Click For More]

The Bullet Points

February 21, 2014 // 57 Comments

The Bullet Points is a new segment where we make our resident life ranter, BrainRants comment on the headlines of the week. Think of it like poking a stick in a fire ant hill… 1) Blind man sinks 3-point shot at college basketball game Rants: It’s so great to know the visually impaired are now branching out of their referee positions and [Click For More]

What Really Sandpapers My Balls – 2nd Ed.

December 6, 2013 // 36 Comments

I’m certain you are all waiting in breathless anticipation for some Ranty® screed about Thanksgiving that will shame, highlight or compliment the other great writers here on LAP. Sorry – you’re not getting that. Overall, Thanksgiving is only slightly notched below the 4th of July for my personal favorite holiday. Besides, Howard made sure [Click For More]

Thanksgiving 2013

November 28, 2013 // 13 Comments

From our family here at Long Awkward Pause, to your family where ever they may be: Happy Turkey Day! I’ve just been told that by saying Happy Turkey Day, instead of saying the traditional Happy Thanksgiving, we may have confused the people of the country of Turkey, whom actually do not have a day of celebration called Turkey Day. We mean no [Click For More]

What Really Sandpapers My B@!1$

November 4, 2013 // 48 Comments

Contrary to what most of you likely believe, I can actually read and shit. No kidding. I won’t blow your mind by insisting that I typed this myself, and my lips didn’t even move. That would be digressing. Do you know what really sandpapers my b@!1$? The endless series of news pieces that breathlessly announce precisely what sort of horrid crap [Click For More]

A Lurid Tale of Military Weapons Development

October 8, 2013 // 37 Comments

So I am supposed to write something – whatever pops into my defective head – upon seeing this picture. To be honest, my head about exploded, because Awesome Robot, and because Awesome Safe Sex. Actually, the second one not so much or so awesome, because No Junk Access (JA). Junk Access is important during sex, or so I seem to recall. I [Click For More]

Long Awkward Pause Takes On The Picture Prompt

October 7, 2013 // 20 Comments

Howard Gantz, manager here. It’s hard to believe it’s October already! Christmas is less than 90 days away. You are welcome for that thought! We at Long Awkward Pause have a great October planned for you! Speaking of October, be sure to grab your tickets to the L.A.P. Annual Halloween Costume Party. This years event will be held at [Click For More]

The L.A.P. Tour Book Is Available!

September 17, 2013 // 29 Comments

Howard Gantz, Manager here! The long awaited Long Awkward Pause Official Photo Concert Tour Book For Dummies is on sale for a limited time! Pick up your yours today! There is only a limited number of copies available! Here is a small sampling of what you will find inside: Over 400 pages of photos and stories! Autographed copies available for an [Click For More]

IWROTETHISINSIXMINUTES!

September 2, 2013 // 44 Comments

You know what I need? I need a cup of coffee. It’s 8:30pm here and I need to get this post done after waking at my normal 4:40am and doing a whole thirteen-hour day. Why? Because! But hey, I have coffee! And coffee has caffeine! Yay caffeine! Because hyper shit, and I stay awake and get stuff done.  Even better: it makes you poop!  Total win! [Click For More]

Long Awkward Pause On Coffee

August 31, 2013 // 19 Comments

Hello! Howard Ganz here, manager of Long Awkward Pause, and I’m excited to introduce this week’s topic: Coffee! It was sent in to us from Sandy Osorno and reads; “Hi Christopher, Julie here, just an out coffeeholic and a reader of your website. 🙂 I came across this great infographic about America’s addiction on this lovely [Click For More]

L.A.P. Banned In China

August 19, 2013 // 59 Comments

This has been reprinted with permission from the online version of the Ohio Llama Sun Gazette:  Super Blogging Group Long Awkward Pause Has Been Banned In China reported by Jerry Wentworth It was just announced today by officials representing the People’s Republic of China that the super blogging group, Long Awkward Pause, will not be [Click For More]

Only In ‘Murrica

August 4, 2013 // 91 Comments

First I want to say thanks to Chris DeVoss and all the other awesome bloggers here on A Long Awkward Pause.  It’s always humbling to be invited to write by others, especially when they do it so much better than you.  Chris sent me my first topic: Twinkies.  My reply was something like, “WTF?” but here we are, and here we go. What can you [Click For More]

Reported Member of LAP in Rehab

July 29, 2013 // 35 Comments

This was reported by TBZ.com, a rumor blog. Although it is ugly and untrue, we at Long Awkward Pause have decided to reprint the article in a stance of solidarity and empowerment…that and we are pretty sure you are sick of the reblogs. LAP would also like to release this statement: The article below is false and untrue. The members of LAP [Click For More]