LAP

Let us Band together and Eradicate the world from Spiders

September 22, 2014 // 61 Comments

Contrary to what many scientists believe, there are only two varieties of spiders in the world: 1.) fugging nasty spiders 2.) fugging nasty spiders with fur No need to get into genus and all that crap, because when you discover one perched on the ceiling monitoring your sleep status, you probably don’t give a hoot about what specific type [Click For More]

An Unacceptable Amount of Mayonnaise – A Letter To Jimmy Johns

September 2, 2014 // 37 Comments

Dear Mr. James of the Family John, I’ll drop the formalities, Jimmy John; I’m going to be frank. Yesterday I thought I ordered a sandwich, but upon unwrapping the culinary atrocity you’d delivered I found nothing except disappointment and confusion—much like a child tearing open a birthday present only to find this year’s [Click For More]

The Official Handshake Etiquette Guidebook

August 14, 2014 // 90 Comments

Shaking hands is a greeting ritual that dates back to the early Neolithic period. Apparently somewhere around that time people decided it was more appropriate than licking someone’s face to acknowledge a clan member. There’s your fun history fact for the day. This custom and its many variations have lead to some confusion after the [Click For More]

The Saturday Six: Popular Brand Slogans Revised

June 21, 2014 // 23 Comments

Before the advent of marketing, there was a time when people lived in grass huts and ate acorns for breakfast. It was a much simpler time back then, because people didn’t have to stand in line on Black Friday to buy TVs to watch Kim Kardashian. Instead, they drew pictures of her on rocks with sticks covered in animal dung. Nowadays [Click For More]

Long Awkward Pause Pop Quiz Winner Announced!

June 19, 2014 // 35 Comments

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Boy, placing an exclamation point after a contest announcement really hypes it up, eh? Exclamation points add so much excitement! Without one, the context completely changes. But enough of the grammar lessons, because [Click For More]

Daytime TV: Stealing Your IQ Points One Channel At A Time

June 4, 2014 // 36 Comments

__________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Occasionally I leave the office and eat my lunch at home. I get to spend an hour away from the LAP compound (where the microwave still hasn’t been repaired since Chowderhead’s famous Chef Boyardee incident) [Editor’s Note: it was [Click For More]

Talking in Circles with Circle Talkers

April 23, 2014 // 79 Comments

What’s up? It’s an easy question that should illicit a straightforward and immediate reply. In fact, “not much” would be adequate enough, because that would mean that the conversation is now over and we can all move on with our lives with a sense of closure in regard to the initial inquiry into your present state of affairs. Most normal [Click For More]

The Saturday Six: Funny Pickup Line Memes

April 19, 2014 // 30 Comments

How to pick up woman throughout the ages: A brief look: (For the sake of one single solitary joke) Caveman: With A Club 1970s: At A Club Today, online is the place to meet people, which is good and fine, but loses the art of the pickup line. That is a shame, because men have been working on the pickup line ever since they realized that their [Click For More]

The Saturday Six: The Truth Behind Job Titles

April 12, 2014 // 35 Comments

So… You are sitting there in your cubicle, and John the Vice President of Social Advertising Media and Sales has walked by you five times now. The last time he walked by, he was wiping jelly doughnut from his tie with a single square of toilet paper. He now sits in his glass walled private office, which you can also see clearly from your [Click For More]

LAP Featured on WordPress News

April 1, 2014 // 10 Comments

In case you missed it: For the first time ever, this is not a spoof news announcement: The entire LAP cast was featured on WordPress News, so please join us for an insightful interview into the underworkings and underwears of of this marvelously disorganized humor mag of sorts! CLICK HERE to read the full interview We will also be offering a [Click For More]

The Saturday Six: Graffiti-Enhanced Street Signs

March 29, 2014 // 55 Comments

6:30 am: Wake up 6:31 am: Go back to bed 6:35 am: Wake up again 6:50 am: Get out of bed. You’re late! 6:52 am: Sit on the toilet 6:55 am: Get in the shower 7:00 am: Brush your teeth 7:02 am: Comb your hair 7:03 am: Get dressed 7:05 am: Eat a yogurt 7:09 am: Stuck in traffic 7:11 am: Realize everyday it’s the same old thing… [Click For More]

The Stoopididity of Newspapers

March 26, 2014 // 58 Comments

Hola, Y’all! I am the Fearless Leader of the Dumbass Horde, Head Janitor, Chief Bottle Washer and Man About Town at my blog, Dumbass News. I have been invited by the fine folks at LAP to regale you with the Magic That Is Dumbassery. When first invited to guest speak at Long Awkward Pause, I thought to myself, “These people are [Click For More]

The Saturday Six: Funny Random Thought Memes

March 22, 2014 // 28 Comments

The fine folks at Useless And Sad bring us this week’s Saturday Six with their thought provoking Jack Handy-ish placards. Speaking of Jack Handy…what ever happened to him? He ruled the esoterical humor scene forever, and then one day… Poof! He vanished to some mysterious voice-over land where only Gnomes, Pee Wee [Click For More]

The Saturday Six: FML

March 8, 2014 // 33 Comments

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Today my dog threw up in my shoe and my wife decided that she wanted to become a man, so she tried on my shoes and stepped in the dog vomit. Then she got mad at me because she hates the dog for it’s views on Socialist Government. [Click For More]

The Saturday Six: Truth In Slogans

February 22, 2014 // 42 Comments

There are some iconic logos out there in the corporate world. Probably the most famous is McDonald’s. Whenever you see the golden arches, you immediately associate it with things like hamburgers, french fries, milkshakes, chicken nuggets, Ronald McDonald, and diarrhea. When your sitting on a mountain and your butt becomes a fountain [Click For More]

Why Was The Flappy Bird Game Taken Down?

February 13, 2014 // 41 Comments

Why can't you get Flappy Bird on iTunes or Google Play? We'll explain. [Click For More]

The Saturday Six: Funny Pie Charts

February 8, 2014 // 48 Comments

What’s better than pie charts? Pie, of course! Once upon a time at the LAP Thanksgiving dinner there was, or what we thought was, a big, beautiful pumpkin pie. Our taste were set and waiting to taste that delicious pumpkin pie. We waited. And waited. And sat through football… And sat through dinner… And sat through [Click For More]

The Saturday Six: Funny Text Messages

February 1, 2014 // 29 Comments

Good morning, sleepy-faces! Here’s a funny Saturday Six for ya. Now go grab yourself a coffee. Happy Saturday! ________________________________________________________________________________ 1.) I Don’t Believe You Show me again. 2.) Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones Try to limit your daily cell phone usage to minimize the [Click For More]

The Saturday Six: Ad Placements Gone Horribly Wrong

January 25, 2014 // 65 Comments

Welcome to another installment of the Saturday Six! Grab your cup of java and crueler before you start reading though. Ha! We didn’t say Simon says! Ok, apologies for the dumb joke. Happy Saturday! _____________________________________________________________________________________________________ 1. Wait, Shameless? On second [Click For More]

The Saturday Six: Ridiculous Craigslist Ads

January 18, 2014 // 46 Comments

Welcome to the very first weekly installment of the Saturday Six! Please join us every Saturday morning for a list of six strange and funny items. We like strange and funny items. We hope you are cut from the same shoe lace, whatever that means… Happy Saturday! [Click For More]