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An Unacceptable Amount of Mayonnaise – A Letter To Jimmy Johns

 

Dear Mr. James of the Family John,

 

I’ll drop the formalities, Jimmy John; I’m going to be frank. Yesterday I thought I ordered a sandwich, but upon unwrapping the culinary atrocity you’d delivered I found nothing except disappointment and confusion—much like a child tearing open a birthday present only to find this year’s edition of Quicken. What I received was no sandwich; it was more akin to a small raft of bread floating atop a congealed caloric ocean on its voyage to Type II diabetes.

 

My appetite was gone, but not satiated.

 

The ratio was revolting. The term sandwich was inaccurate. Sandwich implies some bit of structural integrity when, in fact, this was just a coagulated mass. Out of context I’d have surmised it was industrial cafeteria waste or an interactive art project gone awry. Jimmy John, I wanted lunch not poor man’s potato salad, my non-mayonnaise toppings suspended within the gob like casualties in Attack of the Blob.

 

I immediately threw it out, needless to say. It’s now feeding the dumpster rats that lack self-control.

 

My cubicle’s carpet, though, will never regain its innocence.

 

I fear I’m being unfairly stereotyped, Jimmy John. I know I live in the Midwest. I know I’m part of the demographic that leads this nation in cheese-based restaurants and child heart attacks. I know we sell t-shirts that read “Flavor Country: We’ll Show Restraint When We’re Prematurely Dead.” But, Jimmy John, we’re not all Rascal-riding gluttons. Some of us view sandwiches as more than just vehicles to ingest mayonnaise.

 

Sure, freaky fast delivery is great, but not when it’s in such haste that your sandwich-slinging bigots are applying sweeping generalization to populations just to get orders out on schedule.

 

Prejudices like this are tough to stomach. Please, stop ascribing your narrow-minded beliefs about me based off my location and neighbors’ waistlines. Get to know me for who I am: a customer who experiences white-hot rage whenever he’s delivered a meal that’s drowning in white, room-temperature goo.

 

I have a dream that my children can someday live in a world where mayonnaise always comes on the side. Yes, I know it’d be more expensive and would render your company’s vats and masonry trowels useless, but it is a compromise. Your stereotyping sandwich servants could remain and continue to pigeonhole customers to their blackened hearts’ content, yet, by only giving packets, they’d never again be able to ruin a lunch through over-mayonnaise-ing!

 

Be a leader who looks out for people. This country needs a sandwich king, not a sandwich Führer.

 

 

Marginalized as Another Midwesterner,

Justin Gawel

 

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36 Comments on An Unacceptable Amount of Mayonnaise – A Letter To Jimmy Johns

  1. Yes, count me in for the “No Mayo” revolution. Have you ever had a good cheeseburger ruined by Mayo? The horror. Ok, Mayo is good on a turkey sub, but only if the turkey is REALLY, REALLY dry.

    Liked by 1 person

    • So many times I’ve been in drive-thru purgatory, waiting and second guessing if I specified no mayo on my burger. It’s one of those things that I thought I’d quickly learn the lesson and do a better job ordering, but we’re still trying. I will agree with you that it can work with turkey, but the subtlety is key.

      Like

  2. It could be worse. It could have been that Miracle Whip abomination.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’d recommend oil and vinegar, so at least you can see what you’re eating. It’s also marginally better for you… marginally.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I couldn’t agree more. I’m usually good about remembering oil and vinegar with a little oregano, such a good compliment to a sandwich unlike mayo which can just ruthlessly and unapologetically overpower.

      Like

  4. YES. Once mayonnaise has been added to a sandwich, it’s inedible. You can’t just “wipe it off” like ketchup or mustard. It seeps into the very molecules of the bread. And like bad lettuce (the shredded kind you know is 3+ days old), there’s always entirely too much of it.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yes, it becomes this tragic, irreversible action once it comes in contact with bread. Rarely will you hear about sandwiches being ruined by ketchup or mustard, but there’s always sandwiches ruined by mayonnaise. Nasty, wilted lettuce like that can, also, singlehandedly turn any sandwich into a sadwich.

      Like

  5. Oddly, I was thinking about going to JJ’s for lunch today, but the thought of a mayonnaise ladened sub was just unappetizing. I chose Chik-Fil-A instead, and that’s where I am reading and posting this.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Haha, yeah once the phrase “mayonnaise-laden” surfaces in your mind it’s all but ascertain that you’ve ruled out a few lunch places. Chik-Fil-A is solid and I’m totally jealous that we don’t have those around here.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I’m dying here from the all too accurate description. I “experienced” a Jimmy Johns sandwich for the first and last time a few weeks ago. I was less than impressed.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I kinda love my local Jimmy John’s. My condolences for your unpleasant sandwich experience. I hope the Sandwich Fuhrer rectifies the situation promptly.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you for your sympathies; it will help with ease pain of misplaced trust. Perhaps, in time, I will be able to set foot inside Jimmy John’s emporium of sandwichery without unpleasant memories unearthing themselves in my mind.

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  8. The very thought of eating mayonnaise LITERALLY makes me want to gag. It ruins everything, ESPECIALLY a sandwich. Blegh…

    Liked by 1 person

  9. EWWWWWWWW!

    Oh and Ned, Miracle Whip is much better than Mayo…pffft

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Are you certain this is mayonnaise? …I mean, because that looks a lot like…I guess what I mean is, did you OFFEND this tasty sandwich creator in any way? Because that sandwich could very well have been doused with… Oh god did you eat it? It’s too late. Forget it, there’s no turning back now. So sorry for the loss of your sandwich…and quite possibly the loss of your purity?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Oh god, that swarm of innocent dumpster rats! Eh, I guessing they’ve lost their self-respect time and time again through various, uh, dousings, I guess. And I’d never intentionally offend a sandwich maker; they’re kinda in that class you don’t want to offend along with barbers and taxi drivers.

      Liked by 1 person

  11. Um…party of one for team mayo. I love it! And I’ll show myself out…

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Hahaha, damn, that sucks. I think I was delivered that same sandwich one time. There seem to be a lot of youngsters working at the local JJ, so I bet your sandwich was simply the result of one of the over zealous sandwich wizards showing his cashier buddy what bukkake meant. It was probably pretty funny, had you been there.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Had I know my atrocity was just friendly fire from a enlightened soul trying to spread the bukkake gospel I know I wouldn’t have been so upset, and, hey, it probably would have been pretty funny to be there.

      Like

  13. This happened to me at Jimmy John’s. It’s not just you! Just like you, I lost my appetite. Nice tags.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Okay, good, I mean I’m sorry about your mayo-heavy visit, but I’m glad I’m not alone here. And I can’t take credit for all of them, but I’m delighted you enjoyed the tags!

      Like

  14. I’ll have your mayo if you’re not gonna eat it.

    P.S. Welcome back, Gawel! There’s a half of can of Sprite in the break room fridge that I left for you. I didn’t backwash either.

    >:]

    Like

    • Haha, dibs are all yours; I’ll leave the crumpled up, mayo-soaked napkin on your desk.

      And thanks, man, it’s good to be back and the half Sprite is just a cherry on top!

      Like

  15. That glop is cheaper than more meat or cheese.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. orderItOnTheSide // October 2, 2015 at 3:42 pm //

    how about you order it with mayo on the side

    Liked by 1 person

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