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Let us Band together and Eradicate the world from Spiders

attack of spiders banner

Contrary to what many scientists believe, there are only two varieties of spiders in the world:

1.) fugging nasty spiders

2.) fugging nasty spiders with fur

No need to get into genus and all that crap, because when you discover one perched on the ceiling monitoring your sleep status, you probably don’t give a hoot about what specific type of blood-sucking creature it is.  The people who do care should probably have their carbon monoxide detector tested.

You may have a leak.

You don’t need to know anything about spiders except for how to destroy them.

Before proceeding, let’s check your spider reflexes:

spider gif

Right now you should be wiping invisible spiders off of your leg.  This is a healthy human reaction.  

Let’s try one more test:

spider sac

Right now you should be levitating above your chair, gagging, and wiping invisible spiders off of every square inch of you body.

If you passed both tests, congratulations.  You have a healthy spider reflex.

Spiders are the sadistic psychopaths of the animal kingdom.  They dazzle with intricate and beautifully crafted webs of all geometric shapes and sizes.  That is until some unsuspecting flying tourist is violently wrapped into a cocoon of death, melted into a sticky sludge, and sucked into the stomach of one of these eight-legged demon freaks.

Finding one inside the house calls for an immediate plan of action:

1.  The Discovery

Same reaction as walking into a public bathroom stall and discovering that the previous guest did not flush.  It’s a mixture of horror, shock and disgust.  The discoverer backs out of the area far enough to maintain visual contact and immediately calls for backup.

Witness #1:  Eek!  Save me!

Witness #2:  What!  What’s the matter!  Is the house on fire?

Witness #1:  There’s a spider in here!

Witness #2:  Good.  God.  Well, looks like we won’t being using this room anymore.  Lock the door and throw a towel under it while I grab the kerosene.

2.  The Debate

Eradication is dependent upon the terms and conditions:

Witness #1:  Kill it!

Witness #2:  Hell no.  You kill it.

Witness #1:  I’m not going to bed until you kill it.

Witness #2:  Fine.  Don’t go to bed then.

Witness #1:  I will divorce you if you don’t kill it.

Witness #2:  Fine.  Divorce me.

Witness #1:  No sex for a month if you don’t kill it.

Witness #2:  Ok, let’s not over-react here.  Get me some toilet paper and a can of mace.  I’ll wait here to make sure it doesn’t move.

3.  The Hunt

The hunting procedure is like a scene from Predator.  Sweat slowly drips down a concentrated brow.  Silence.  The breath slows.  Vision becomes more acute.

Meanwhile, the spider is playing solitaire on the ceiling and wondering what all the commotion is about.  It has no idea of its impending demise.  It draws three and plays a Queen of spades.  It shifts two of its eyes toward the man slowly moving closer.  It draws three and plays a two of clubs.

The hunter holds a blow torch in one hand (just in case) and two rolls of wadded up toilet paper in the other hand.  The hunted shifts slightly sensing danger.  The hunter slowly inches toward the prey.  The hunted quickly abandons its activity and little playing cards fly everywhere.

The hunter dives.

The hunted hits the ejector seat button.

The battlefield moves to the bed sheets.

spider-gif-deleted-1014294

4.  The Retreat

This is the part where both parties retreat and draw up a revised battle plan.  While the hunted is tunneling through cotton caverns, the hunters are jumping around brushing off their extremities as part of the cleansing ritual.

Witness #1:  Where is it!

Witness #2:  I think it hatched its babies all over me!

Witness #1:  Stop, drop and roll!  Stop, drop and roll!

5.  The Capture

The hunter slowly inches toward the battle ground in a beekeeper suit and slowly peels back the layers of bed sheeting…

flame-thrower-o

…and burns that mother to a crisp.

Go play cards somewhere else, you furry fugging bastard.

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About Adam (18 Articles)
Meh.

59 Comments on Let us Band together and Eradicate the world from Spiders

  1. Only good spider is a dead spider 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Yes. That is the only reaction to spiders. Ever.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Spiders are our friends, they eat bugs, so gently pick up the little guy that’s in the house and gently place him/her outside. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  4. You wouldn’t like my house then. I like spiders and their webs. Spiders eat flies (that try to land on you and your food). Spiders are shy and don’t try to buzz around my head. 🙂

    Like

  5. Hilarious !!!! 😀 😀

    Liked by 1 person

  6. NotAPunkRocker // September 22, 2014 at 9:40 am //

    We catch and release spiders here too. Especially this time of year with the windows open, they can please eat the flies before they try to come in here.

    Like

    • I catch and release more than I flush, but there are certain kinds that I just can’t risk having them do sprints around my hand. I don’t know what they are called, but they are as big as a quarter and they run as fast as I can walk, I shit you not.

      Like

  7. So what I’m getting here is to never approach a spider that you find in a Karate dojo. Got it.

    Liked by 2 people

  8. Exactly. I know most spiders eat annoying things like flies and other crawly shit. But I kill them anyway, because A) brown recluse and B) black widow.

    Truckloads of nope.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Aww. Honestly, I don’t mind spiders. I capture them in a cup and take them outside all the time. They just LOOK ooky.

    I used to hate them. I remember waking my parents up in the middle of the night screaming because there was a spider on the ceiling. They thought I was getting murdered by the hillside strangler or something and ran in to the room in a panic. Man, were they pissed.

    But at some point I just shifted and now I’m cool with the spideys. It’s all a state of mind. They’re just trying to survive.

    Roaches, though. NOT WITH A 10-FOOT POLE.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. The real poisonous spiders are the megacorps and megabanks with their lackey politicians whose web traps millions into subsistence standard of living.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. My daughter declared to day that she would happily sacrifice our house to the world’s spiders as long as a) she never found one anywhere else ever again and b) she never had to return home.
    Personally I’d rather donate someone else’s house. Maybe floridaborne’s?

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Great post as usual but not very nice sharing the moving photos of spiders.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Spiders = NO!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. My child takes care of all the spiders. I run from the room. That’s not my department.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. I just got to the place to ignore mine and we can live in peace. Oh f*cking no. *angryface*

    Liked by 1 person

  16. Can’t…. Stop….wiping…imaginary???….spiders…off of me!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  17. omg the spider post!!!

    Liked by 1 person

  18. The only good spider is a DEAD spider. *shudders* Thanks so much for the nightmares I’ll have tonight… O_O (This WAS pretty good though!)

    Liked by 1 person

  19. anitadesignstudio // September 30, 2014 at 6:10 pm //

    I. Hate. Spiders. I loved this post and hated it simultaneously.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. anitadesignstudio // October 2, 2014 at 5:06 pm //

    I remember years ago seeing a hairy spider on a wall (the hairs ALWAYS make ’em look more menacing…don’t ask me why). I grabbed a really thick catalogue ‘cos the thicker the book, the less chance you have of feeling any of the spider’s bodily parts. So, I proceeded to count to ten and when I reached ‘ten’, I had to start over because I was gripped by fear ‘n’ stuff. Meanwhile the spider froze, which made the whole incident such much more traumatic FOR ME. After two rounds of counting to ten, I still couldn’t squeeze the thing against the wall and ended up spraying it with hairspray until its legs stuck together and it solidified into a crusty hairy ball and dropped to the floor with a crispy thud. Yea, that’s how rock ‘n’ roll IAM 😉

    Like

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