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Daytime TV: Stealing Your IQ Points One Channel At A Time

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Occasionally I leave the office and eat my lunch at home. I get to spend an hour away from the LAP compound (where the microwave still hasn’t been repaired since Chowderhead’s famous Chef Boyardee incident) [Editor’s Note:  it was a faulty fuse], plus I get the added bonus of catching a few minutes of daytime TV.

Sometimes though, no matter how many times you change the channel, daytime TV makes you stupider by the minute.

tooth

– POWER ON –

“…and our guest today is 20-year-old Janet, a mother of seven, who is here today to confront her cheating boyfriend and ask him once and for all if he has…”

– CLICK –

“…poor credit, no credit, or bad credit? No problem! Come on down to Wacky Jerry’s Used Car Emporium and we’ll get you on the road! Visit Wacky Jerry, and before you know it you’ll be…”

– CLICK –

“…injured in a car accident, and you may be entitled to a cash settlement. Don’t wait. Call the law offices of Will Soodeirass and Associates today…

weird lawyer copy

 

…and speak to one of our highly qualified, very serious sounding representatives, who will help you…”

– CLICK –

“…sue her, Judge Judy. I had no choice. The ring is worth about one hundred and twenty dollars plus the money I got for all those empties I recycled, but when she caught me in the backseat of my Honda Civic with her cousin, she called the wedding off. I told her if she didn’t give the ring back I’d have no choice but to…”

– CLICK –

“…go now to the sixteenth, where Berkelson is lining up a fourteen-footer for birdie. He’s got a real tester here, Gary. The green slopes sharply downhill and to the left, and with this dry weather we’re likely to see…”

– CLICK –

“…that rat bastard in the bathroom BEEEEEP-ing that hairy slut who said she was my best friend. Well, I dropped my bingo dabber and charged at that BEEEEEEP, grabbed her by the ponytail and said…”

– CLICK –

“…are you looking for a new career? Then you owe it to yourself to call this number today. We’ll send you our free brochure filled with glossy pictures of successful-looking people explaining how in less than four months you can start a brand new career as an…”

– CLICK –

“…old, smelly, worn out mattress. That is, until I called and ordered this new E-Z-SLEEP adjustable bed. I may be a has-been actress who now makes a living doing crummy daytime infomercials, but I can choose from one of over two thousand comfortable positions to sleep…”

– CLICK –

“…in the back lot at Wacky Jerry’s Used Car Emporium, where we accept all trade-ins! Big ones, small ones, rusty ones…heck, it doesn’t even have to belong to you! Push, pull, or drag in your old junker and we’ll give you cash, cash, cash! This is Wacky Jerry and I want to tell you that…”

– CLICK –

“…the ring is mine, your honor. It’s his fault the wedding was cancelled, so I get to keep the ring. My friend’s cousin is thinking about being a lawyer when he gets out of prison and he told me that I could keep the ring, the lava lamp, the Lynyrd Skynyrd box set, and…”

– CLICK –

“…a titanium, diamond-studded putter with an extra-long, flexible graphite shaft  [Editor’s Note:  he said ‘flexible shaft’], which he says has really turned his game around. I had a chance to speak with Berkelson this morning on the practice range, and he told me that when he lines up each putt, he visualizes…”

– CLICK –

“…a brand new career as a dental hygienist, an automobile mechanic, a computer programmer, a legal secretary, a neurosurgeon, an obscene greeting card writer, a medical office assistant, a long-haul truck driver, a professional beekeeper, a private detective, a graphic designer, an interior decorator, or…”

– CLICK –

“…a lawyer who won’t stop working until you get paid. Doctors are human, and they make mistakes. At the law offices of Will Soodeirass and Associates, we make them pay. Call us today and…”

– CLICK –

“…we’ll throw in this luxurious inflatable reading pillow as a free gift, just for trying out the E-Z-SLEEP adjustable mattress. If for any reason you’re not completely satisfied, just return the mattress to us with no obligation, and you can…”

– CLICK –

“…GO BEEEEP YOURSELF, YOU FAT, IGNORANT PIECE OF WHALE BEEEEEEP! YOU CAN KEEP HIM! AND IF I EVER SEE EITHER ONE OF YOU ON THE STREET, I’M GONNA PUT MY FOOT UP YOUR BEEEP BEEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEEEP BEEEEEEP…”

– POWER OFF –

*Sigh*.

I guess there’s always Burger King.

coolchick

 

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About Ad-libbed (3 Articles)
He is 26% husband, 31% father, 24% humorist, 43% guy responsible for picking up the dog poop in the backyard, and 87% guy who never really understood how percentages work. He is tolerated by his wife, two teenaged daughters, and the indefatigable Superdog. He writes, rambles and muses about any topic that grabs him, and every gripping adventure committed to print becomes completely riveting in his own mind. He’d be incredibly rich and famous if it weren’t for the fact that he's not, and for some reason he's written this in the third person.

36 Comments on Daytime TV: Stealing Your IQ Points One Channel At A Time

  1. 1jaded1 // June 4, 2014 at 7:10 am //

    Lost 50,000 brain cells reading this. Now I’m in the deficit, thanks. Funny.though, so I think everything’s even…maybe.

    Like

    • Sorry Jaded. Since that last lawsuit, we try to cap the lost brain cell count at no more that 25,000 cells per LAP visit. The Maury Povich reference is what pushed us over. Glad to hear it nearly balanced out in the end though.

      Like

  2. Man, I really want to know what happened with the couple and the random tooth. Will they work through this and live happily ever after?!?! Heavy issues on daytime Tv.

    Like

    • Heavy issues indeed. After extensive DNA testing, the tooth turned out to be from one of Michael’s old girlfriends whom the lie detector test proved he was still in contact with. Michael also failed the test where they put a sexy decoy in the green room and secretly video taped the incident before the show, but it turned out that Michael’s mom had cell phone video footage of Arica kissing Jimmy, Michael’s ex-best friend. Um…not that I was watching or anything…

      Like

  3. You want to try 8 hours straight of kids’ TV. I’m shit hot on my numbers and shapes, but I’ve also been driven to clinical insanity.

    Like

  4. NotAPunkRocker // June 4, 2014 at 9:22 am //

    I was going to mock this, but then I remembered that I watched that show last night with the three dozen kids on it. And I had full control of the remote, too.

    I’m part of the problem, obviously.

    Like

    • That’s not your fault. The inability to change the channel is a symptom of a paralyzing condition called Catatonic TV Remotaphrenia, which can easily be triggered by toddler beauty pageants and practically any reality television series. Science is still working on a cure.

      Like

      • NotAPunkRocker // June 4, 2014 at 7:04 pm //

        Oh, thank you. Hopefully when they find the cure, they discuss it on The Learning Channel. It’s educational!

        Like

  5. I wonder what TLC has on during the daytime… My boyfriend and I were watching that show about the little couple last night, and it’s hard to believe that channel could sink any lower during the daylight hours.

    Like

  6. It’s illustrations like this that remind me I need to just say no to such things. the absurdity of it all.

    Like

  7. Hilarious! This makes me glad I have rabbit ears instead of cable or satellite.

    Like

  8. Today’s television options have led to an increase in thumb strain injuries.
    Somewhere there’s a class action suit building. *grin*

    Like

    • Come to think of it, you’re right. I’m feeling that strain myself. Plus a potentially severe head injury from banging my head on the coffee table when I slipped in my own drool after watching 36 straight minutes of infomercials. I believe there’s a “Ka-ching!” in my future.

      Like

  9. I think my brain i s bleeding from this brief exposure to the radioactivity of Daytime TV…
    Great post, though!

    Like

    • The shopping channel has a great deal on tin foil hats, Hook. If you act now, they throw in a free extendable back scratcher that’s yours to keep just for calling in. Just pay the shipping and handling! Mine should be arriving any day.

      Like

  10. This. This is genius.

    Like

  11. I feel more stupid by the second. I guess it was a good decision to get rid of cable. 🙂

    Like

  12. Day-Time television has been on a downward spiral ever since “The Banana Splits” was canceled.

    Like

  13. What’s a bingo dabber? On second thought, I don’t want to know.

    Like

  14. Burger King it is!

    Like

    • Plus you always get that fashionably cool paper crown! They always get so grumpy though when you ask for one when you have no kids with you…

      Like

  15. Haha really on point and the transitions were brilliant. Original and humourous – what more can you want? Apart from a million dollars..

    Like

  16. This would be a lot funnier if it wasn’t the spot on truth. As a TV Producer I must hang my head in shame. As an unemployed TV Producer I can say, “That’s what you get when you let go all the good ones”.

    Like

  17. Good read. You have a great sense of humor, I’m looking forward to more posts. I can always use a good laugh.

    Like

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