Before the advent of marketing, there was a time when people lived in grass huts and ate acorns for breakfast. It was a much simpler time back then, because people didn’t have to stand in line on Black Friday to buy TVs to watch Kim Kardashian. Instead, they drew pictures of her on rocks with sticks covered in animal dung.
Nowadays it’s all about consumerism, which is Latin for “everybody go buy more stuff.” And without a crafty slogan, we’d all be standing in front of shelves and staring at generic boxes, scratching our heads like all the other primates. Dur.
Today’s Saturday Six proves that you don’t need a master’s degree in manipulation to sell a product. Thanks to some college kid on jello shots, here are six revised brand slogans that are a little less frilly, and a lot more honest in their advertising. Enjoy.
1. Come To My Hut for Dinner
Chris: The BBQ pizza scares me…what is that meat they use? Is it even legal?
Katie: Another alternative: “People eat here for some reason (and that reason is because they hate themselves).”
Ned: Can’t find what you’re looking for on our salad bar? Try the sneeze guard!
2. An Even Better Buy
Chris: So true. I can’t even tell you the last time I have been in a Best Buy. Maybe it was the time I bought my Nintendo 64…
Katie: A decision you’ll regret as soon as four polo-wearing employees start circling, and you’re just trying to read some technical specifications. [Editor’s note: truedat]
Ned: Because no one wants to be seen in Radio Shack. [Editor’s note: #speakforyourselfned]
3. Lackluster Videos
Ned: We’re pretty sure VHS will eventually make a comeback.
Chowderhead: What’s a late fee? [Editor’s note: I’m not sure what a late fee is either.]
4. Commodity Suds
Ned: In case living on an island founded by prisoners wasn’t bad enough…
Chowderhead: Australians need to incorporate more vowels into their beers.
5. Hives Five
Chris: The internet: turning everyone into that doctor who barely passed medical school.
Ned: For those times when Dr. Oz’s miracle cure is still being shipped in the trunk of a Mexican Volkswagen.
6. Not Pockets
Katie: It’s like Russian Roulette, but with Russian Roulette at least you have death to look forward to, not diarrhea.
Ned: When you’re just not in the mood to deal with the food snobs at 7-11.
Chowderhead: How about: “promotes greasy skin and reduces dish duty time by 100%”
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