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The Saturday Six: Popular Brand Slogans Revised

saturday 6


Before the advent of marketing, there was a time when people lived in grass huts and ate acorns for breakfast.  It was a much simpler time back then, because people didn’t have to stand in line on Black Friday to buy TVs to watch Kim Kardashian. Instead, they drew pictures of her on rocks with sticks covered in animal dung.

Nowadays it’s all about consumerism, which is Latin for “everybody go buy more stuff.”  And without a crafty slogan, we’d all be standing in front of shelves and staring at generic boxes, scratching our heads like all the other primates.  Dur.

Today’s Saturday Six proves that you don’t need a master’s degree in manipulation to sell a product.  Thanks to some college kid on jello shots, here are six revised brand slogans that are a little less frilly, and a lot more honest in their advertising.  Enjoy.

Happy Saturday!

1.  Come To My Hut for Dinner

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Chris: The BBQ pizza scares me…what is that meat they use? Is it even legal?

Katie: Another alternative: “People eat here for some reason (and that reason is because they hate themselves).”

Ned: Can’t find what you’re looking for on our salad bar? Try the sneeze guard!

2.  An Even Better Buy

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Chris: So true. I can’t even tell you the last time I have been in a Best Buy. Maybe it was the time I bought my Nintendo 64…

Katie: A decision you’ll regret as soon as four polo-wearing employees start circling, and you’re just trying to read some technical specifications.  [Editor’s note: truedat]

Ned: Because no one wants to be seen in Radio Shack.  [Editor’s note:  #speakforyourselfned]

3.  Lackluster Videos

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Ned: We’re pretty sure VHS will eventually make a comeback.

Chowderhead:  What’s a late fee?  [Editor’s note:  I’m not sure what a late fee is either.]

4.  Commodity Suds

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Ned: In case living on an island founded by prisoners wasn’t bad enough…

Chowderhead:  Australians need to incorporate more vowels into their beers.

5.  Hives Five

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Chris: The internet:  turning everyone into that doctor who barely passed medical school.

Ned: For those times when Dr. Oz’s miracle cure is still being shipped in the trunk of a Mexican Volkswagen.

6.  Not Pockets

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Katie: It’s like Russian Roulette, but with Russian Roulette at least you have death to look forward to, not diarrhea.

Ned: When you’re just not in the mood to deal with the food snobs at 7-11.

Chowderhead:  How about: “promotes greasy skin and reduces dish duty time by 100%”

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21 Comments on The Saturday Six: Popular Brand Slogans Revised

  1. Watching movies, drinking beer, eating junk food, and checking out your symptoms from all the movie watching, beer drinking and junk food eating.

    Sounds like the typical Saturday night for some people. Once again, you guys peel back the banana skin to reveal everything we didn’t really want to know about ourselves.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Reblogged this on Ned's Blog and commented:

    Each Saturday, I and the rest of the staff at Long Awkward Pause take turns chiming in on “The Saturday Six,” which is a series of (Warning: spoiler alert!) six related things which should probably be destroyed after reading. Think of it as “Mystery Science Theater,” except not nearly as sophisticated…

    Liked by 1 person

  3. It’s good stuff. Me and boyfriend like to cook and make our own pizza, so very seldom do we get sick on BBQ pizza. I’ve had it before and had to consult with webmd once to get rid of the acid reflux. It was so bad, I could not swallow for days if you know what I mean.

    Like

  4. yep. love thes.

    Like

  5. Oh I love self-diagnoses on the weekend.

    Like

  6. Brilliant, as always! True dat. Applaud the Jellyfish.

    Like

  7. No Australian drinks Fosters these days. It’s either XXXX (fourex) or VB I think. Personally I prefer the XXXX.

    Like

  8. If the kids were clever on jello shots, what we you guys on?

    Like

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