The Saturday Six: Weird Toys for Kids?
The innocence and bill free days of childhood….
If we could only go back for one day…
A day filled with Chuck E Cheese and Christmas and Easter and Birthday Parities and late night scary movies on channel 10 with your best friend…
But we can’t.
Right now, you are actually late for work because you sat down to read this…
Damn adult responsibilities!
Don’t worry though, your boss will understand. He/She was late because they were reading it too.
Below are some kid’s toys, but probably and hopefully none that you recognize.
We are not quite sure what toy test group let these things pass:
Facilitator: “Ok, welcome to our toy test group. If you could let the children just play with the Viruses Of The World Action Figure Playsets on their own…that would help us determine how popular we think this toy will be. Also make sure each child wears the provided surgical face mask and gloves as the toys are made with 50% of the actual virus…for authenticity of course.”
Anyway…
Happy Saturday!
1. Pee And Poo Dolls
Omawarisan: “Pee and Poo live together in perfect harmony, side by side in my porcelain bowl, oh lord why can’t we?”
BrainRants: Of course. This set is a perfect complement to your stuffed Barney and plush Justin Bieber. Also, if your pee is that yellow, you either need water or have issues. Seek help.
Ned: Great. This should prolong the potty-training process by at least five years…
List of X: If my doctor ever asks me to provide a urine and stool sample, this is what I’m bringing.
2. God Action Figure With AK-47
Omawarisan: I kind of miss when God used to smite folks. No one gets smote anymore. It’s all “Lo and the Lord spake that he felt dissed and thus he busted a cap in their asses.”
BrainRants: This toy is factually incorrect. Everyone knows that God prefers American-made weapons. The Real God would never choose an AK.
Ned: What makes God’s AK-47 even more special is that it has a magical never-ending clip so you never have to reload! Plus it’s guaranteed not to jam! [On a side note: Why does God have such a HUGE CROTCH?!]
Chris: [On Another Side Note: Ned! Why are you looking at God’s crotch?!]
List of X: “My name is The Lord. You killed my son. Prepare to die.”
3. Pole Dancer Barbie
Omawarisan: Does this come with a package of play meth?
BrainRants: I had a thought about a guy using this with a different ‘pole’ but this is a family blog, right?
Ned: If they made it life-size, it would open up a whole new market of consumers.
List of X: Ummm… Ned… They already make these dolls life-size, they just decided to start marketing them to a younger audience.
4. Kid’s Play Tattoo Set
Omawarisan: I hope this comes with a dictionary. It’s never too late to learn that, in tattooing, spelling counts.
BrainRants: This is worthless unless that plastic “needle” actually hurts the way a real tat does, because pain builds character.
Ned: It won’t be long until they start offering free tramp stamps to the local Brownie troop.
List of X: The play tattoo set comes with a play laser for tattoo removal, and a play bottle of tequila to get play-drunk and decide that a play tattoo is an awesome idea.
5. Shape Shifter Punisher
Omawarisan: Excuse me, while I whip this out.
BrainRants: The “John Holmes’ Other Career” action figure.
Ned: There’s a reason he’s called “The Punisher.”
List of X: If this shape doesn’t shift back after four hours, please consult a toy physician.
6. STD Plush
BrainRants: Which only goes to prove it’s never too early to start teaching boys the consequences of being a man-ho.
Ned: I’m pretty sure Chlamydia and Herpes are part of a Greek action hero set, along with Fallopia and Testiclese. The other two must be villains.
List of X: Why does chlamydia looks so much like a pig from the Angry Birds?
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Hey, y’all… we just ruined a lot of people’s weekend and might have destroyed some sanity. Yay us!
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We rock
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I like to think so.
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Who needs sanity? I’d much rather be sniggering over my tea, and procrastinating the start of my NaNoWriMo novel. Don’t know what that is? Look it up!
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I’m NaNo-ing. You go!
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Like the NaNo dealio in your blog’s side-bar. I wonder if I’m digitally savvy enough to stick one on my site…if nothing else it’s a way for all your friends and followers to egg you on with insults if you’re slipping behind schedule, eh?
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I refuse to participate mostly due to the fact that NaNoWriMo sounds like something Mork from Ork would say.
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Number 5 made me spit my coffee!
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Sorry. Was it French Vanilla?
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Just plain old black coffee. I don’t really like to add anything to my coffee most days.
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Oh. I like French Vanilla. And soon…peppermint!
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❤️❤️😂😂😹 thanks for the laughter!!
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Thanks for stopping by!
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The crotch of numbers 2 and 5 have something in common. That’s where the brains are housed on the man who thought them up.
Ugh.
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That’s the place we men think best.
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Some, not all. 🙂
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We do kinda suck ass that way.
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I think it’s a bell curve of suck-ass. With some asses that suck more than others. 🙂
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Hey! I’m in the room!
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Number 2 on the list has a crotch so big, I thought he was wearing an adult diaper at first. Are you sure that action figure wasn’t Alzheimer’s Ken?
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I’m not sure those STDs are anatomically correct. Also, do they come with any accessories?
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Yes. They come with pills and a restraining order.
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Yes. They are called “symptoms”.
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So no matter what, chlamydia is always ugly, though The Pox is kinda cute. How’s that for the “third date” chat?
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That’s more like a fourth date chat.
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can’t touch UNICEF in making poo cute https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Pj4L7C2twI
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I honestly don’t want to touch anyone making poo cute.
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Poo Cute is the name of my rock-n-roll band.
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So funny! thanks 🙂
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Thank you for the visit!
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If I had a daughter, I’d get her started with the poll-dancing doll so that by her early teens she could be supporting me with her tips. That’s smart parenting. I’ll get my boys the tattoo set…where I live they could make a killing slinging ink–why not start in elementary school?
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Planning for the future…very smart!
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Oh, and is shape-shifter punisher really constipated as well as having other problems?
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This is what happens when you go to Mexico for plastic surgery.
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I thought nr. 5 was bad. Then I saw nr. 6…. Awesome post though ^^
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We thank you! Come see us again!
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I got my xmas shopping list all figured at now. Ha ha. (Are these real??) You guys are hilarious.
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Sadly…these are real.
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Reblogged this on The Nudge Wink Report and commented:
What would NWR do without LAP when another one of our field reporters goes missing? It was Tom’s turn at the terminal this weekend. He must have indulged in way too much Halloween candy and is busy behind a locked bathroom door somewhere. Hopefully, not a public bathroom. Because ew. So once again Long Awkward Pause slips in the side door of the NWR sweatshop and saves the day. Enjoy!
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You guys rock!
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Reblogged this on Blogdramedy and commented:
What happens when one of our field reporters fails to report for duty over at The Nudge Wink Report? Tap Long Awkward Pause on the shoulder and say, “Come hang at our place. We got cold beer.” And then issue a BOLO for Tom and hope he hasn’t gotten lost on his mountain. Check out this week’s Saturday Six via LAP!
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Thank you!
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Now I have to write a new Christmas list, sigh.
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You still have time…
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buahahahahaaa… thanks for this laugh, was truly epic and the comments…Ned …… *shakes head*
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Ned rocks!
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This was great, thanks. I, too, wondered why God’s crotch was so prominent. There’s no shame in looking at it, in fact you couldn’t not look at it. Where did you find the toys??
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The toys were found in Google of course.
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Way to ride to the rescue in such a spectacular fashion! But I suspect that NWR and LAP are really the same people. After all, has anyone ever seen both groups in the same room at once?
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Shhhh!
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Shape Shifter Punisher and Pole Dancer Barbie got drunk and gave themselves tattoos and plush STDs. God was not happy and smote (because I love that word!) them down with his AK-47. Holy pee and poo…. The End.
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You should become a writer… Oh wait…
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What can I say that hasn’t been said. Thank God I haven’t got kids! Speaking of God
List of X, you are my favourite with, “My name is The Lord. You killed my son. Prepare to die.”
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List of X is the man!
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