The innocence and bill free days of childhood….
If we could only go back for one day…
A day filled with Chuck E Cheese and Christmas and Easter and Birthday Parities and late night scary movies on channel 10 with your best friend…
But we can’t.
Right now, you are actually late for work because you sat down to read this…
Damn adult responsibilities!
Don’t worry though, your boss will understand. He/She was late because they were reading it too.
Below are some kid’s toys, but probably and hopefully none that you recognize.
We are not quite sure what toy test group let these things pass:
Facilitator: “Ok, welcome to our toy test group. If you could let the children just play with the Viruses Of The World Action Figure Playsets on their own…that would help us determine how popular we think this toy will be. Also make sure each child wears the provided surgical face mask and gloves as the toys are made with 50% of the actual virus…for authenticity of course.”
1. Pee And Poo Dolls
Omawarisan: “Pee and Poo live together in perfect harmony, side by side in my porcelain bowl, oh lord why can’t we?”
BrainRants: Of course. This set is a perfect complement to your stuffed Barney and plush Justin Bieber. Also, if your pee is that yellow, you either need water or have issues. Seek help.
Ned: Great. This should prolong the potty-training process by at least five years…
List of X: If my doctor ever asks me to provide a urine and stool sample, this is what I’m bringing.
2. God Action Figure With AK-47
Omawarisan: I kind of miss when God used to smite folks. No one gets smote anymore. It’s all “Lo and the Lord spake that he felt dissed and thus he busted a cap in their asses.”
BrainRants: This toy is factually incorrect. Everyone knows that God prefers American-made weapons. The Real God would never choose an AK.
Ned: What makes God’s AK-47 even more special is that it has a magical never-ending clip so you never have to reload! Plus it’s guaranteed not to jam! [On a side note: Why does God have such a HUGE CROTCH?!]
Chris: [On Another Side Note: Ned! Why are you looking at God’s crotch?!]
List of X: “My name is The Lord. You killed my son. Prepare to die.”
3. Pole Dancer Barbie
Omawarisan: Does this come with a package of play meth?
BrainRants: I had a thought about a guy using this with a different ‘pole’ but this is a family blog, right?
Ned: If they made it life-size, it would open up a whole new market of consumers.
List of X: Ummm… Ned… They already make these dolls life-size, they just decided to start marketing them to a younger audience.
4. Kid’s Play Tattoo Set
Omawarisan: I hope this comes with a dictionary. It’s never too late to learn that, in tattooing, spelling counts.
BrainRants: This is worthless unless that plastic “needle” actually hurts the way a real tat does, because pain builds character.
Ned: It won’t be long until they start offering free tramp stamps to the local Brownie troop.
List of X: The play tattoo set comes with a play laser for tattoo removal, and a play bottle of tequila to get play-drunk and decide that a play tattoo is an awesome idea.
5. Shape Shifter Punisher
Omawarisan: Excuse me, while I whip this out.
BrainRants: The “John Holmes’ Other Career” action figure.
Ned: There’s a reason he’s called “The Punisher.”
List of X: If this shape doesn’t shift back after four hours, please consult a toy physician.
6. STD Plush
BrainRants: Which only goes to prove it’s never too early to start teaching boys the consequences of being a man-ho.
Ned: I’m pretty sure Chlamydia and Herpes are part of a Greek action hero set, along with Fallopia and Testiclese. The other two must be villains.
List of X: Why does chlamydia looks so much like a pig from the Angry Birds?
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