Latest And Greatest

The Saturday Six: Weird Toys for Kids?

 saturday 6

 The innocence and bill free days of childhood….

If we could only go back for one day…

A day filled with Chuck E Cheese and Christmas and Easter and Birthday Parities and late night scary movies on channel 10 with your best friend…

But we can’t.

Right now, you are actually late for work because you sat down to read this…

Damn adult responsibilities!

Don’t worry though, your boss will understand. He/She was late because they were reading it too.

Below are some kid’s toys, but probably and hopefully none that you recognize.

We are not quite sure what toy test group let these things pass:

Facilitator: “Ok, welcome to our toy test group. If you could let the children just play with the Viruses Of The World Action Figure Playsets on their own…that would help us determine how popular we think this toy will be. Also make sure each child wears the provided surgical face mask and gloves as the toys are made with 50% of the actual virus…for authenticity of course.”

Anyway…

Happy Saturday!


1. Pee And Poo Dolls

 Pee-and-Poo-Plush-10-Weird-Toys-for-Kids

Omawarisan: “Pee and Poo live together in perfect harmony, side by side in my porcelain bowl, oh lord why can’t we?”

BrainRants: Of course.  This set is a perfect complement to your stuffed Barney and plush Justin Bieber.  Also, if your pee is that yellow, you either need water or have issues.  Seek help.

Ned: Great. This should prolong the potty-training process by at least five years…

List of X: If my doctor ever asks me to provide a urine and stool sample, this is what I’m bringing.

2. God Action Figure With AK-47

 God-Almighty-10-Weird-Toys-for-Kids

Omawarisan: I kind of miss when God used to smite folks. No one gets smote anymore. It’s all “Lo and the Lord spake that he felt dissed and thus he busted a cap in their asses.”

BrainRants: This toy is factually incorrect.  Everyone knows that God prefers American-made weapons.  The Real God would never choose an AK.

Ned: What makes God’s AK-47 even more special is that it has a magical never-ending clip so you never have to reload! Plus it’s guaranteed not to jam! [On a side note: Why does God have such a HUGE CROTCH?!]

Chris: [On Another Side Note: Ned! Why are you looking at God’s crotch?!]

List of X: “My name is The Lord. You killed my son. Prepare to die.”

3. Pole Dancer Barbie

 Stipper-Pole-10-Weird-Toys-for-Kids

Omawarisan: Does this come with a package of play meth?

BrainRants: I had a thought about a guy using this with a different ‘pole’ but this is a family blog, right?

Ned: If they made it life-size, it would open up a whole new market of consumers.

List of X: Ummm… Ned… They already make these dolls life-size, they just decided to start marketing them to a younger audience.

4. Kid’s Play Tattoo Set

 tattoo

Omawarisan: I hope this comes with a dictionary. It’s never too late to learn that, in tattooing, spelling counts.

BrainRants: This is worthless unless that plastic “needle” actually hurts the way a real tat does, because pain builds character.

Ned: It won’t be long until they start offering free tramp stamps to the local Brownie troop.

List of X: The play tattoo set comes with a play laser for tattoo removal, and a play bottle of tequila to get play-drunk and decide that a play tattoo is an awesome idea.

5. Shape Shifter Punisher

shape-shifter-punisher

Omawarisan: Excuse me, while I whip this out.

BrainRants: The “John Holmes’ Other Career” action figure.

Ned: There’s a reason he’s called “The Punisher.”

List of X: If this shape doesn’t shift back after four hours, please consult a toy physician.

6. STD Plush

std_plushies

BrainRants: Which only goes to prove it’s never too early to start teaching boys the consequences of being a man-ho.

Ned: I’m pretty sure Chlamydia and Herpes are part of a Greek action hero set, along with Fallopia and Testiclese. The other two must be villains.

List of X: Why does chlamydia looks so much like a pig from the Angry Birds?

————————–

MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE:

Facebook: Long Awkward Pause

Twitter: @LongAwkPause

Tumblr: Long Awkward Pause Mag

Podcast: iTunes or PodOmatic

Would you like to see a topic discussed on LAP?  Click HERE.

Advertisements
About Christopher De Voss (132 Articles)
One Of The Hosts Of Podcast 42. Online Producer for The Over The Line Show. Voice over actor, writer on various websites, published author, should not eat cheese but still does. Follow me on twitter: @chrisdevoss

54 Comments on The Saturday Six: Weird Toys for Kids?

  1. Hey, y’all… we just ruined a lot of people’s weekend and might have destroyed some sanity. Yay us!

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Number 5 made me spit my coffee!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. ❤️❤️😂😂😹 thanks for the laughter!!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. The crotch of numbers 2 and 5 have something in common. That’s where the brains are housed on the man who thought them up.

    Ugh.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I’m not sure those STDs are anatomically correct. Also, do they come with any accessories?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. NotAPunkRocker // November 1, 2014 at 11:21 am //

    So no matter what, chlamydia is always ugly, though The Pox is kinda cute. How’s that for the “third date” chat?

    Liked by 1 person

  7. can’t touch UNICEF in making poo cute https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Pj4L7C2twI

    Liked by 1 person

  8. So funny! thanks 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  9. If I had a daughter, I’d get her started with the poll-dancing doll so that by her early teens she could be supporting me with her tips. That’s smart parenting. I’ll get my boys the tattoo set…where I live they could make a killing slinging ink–why not start in elementary school?

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Oh, and is shape-shifter punisher really constipated as well as having other problems?

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I thought nr. 5 was bad. Then I saw nr. 6…. Awesome post though ^^

    Liked by 1 person

  12. I got my xmas shopping list all figured at now. Ha ha. (Are these real??) You guys are hilarious.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. nudgeandwink // November 1, 2014 at 4:58 pm //

    Reblogged this on The Nudge Wink Report and commented:
    What would NWR do without LAP when another one of our field reporters goes missing? It was Tom’s turn at the terminal this weekend. He must have indulged in way too much Halloween candy and is busy behind a locked bathroom door somewhere. Hopefully, not a public bathroom. Because ew. So once again Long Awkward Pause slips in the side door of the NWR sweatshop and saves the day. Enjoy!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Reblogged this on Blogdramedy and commented:
    What happens when one of our field reporters fails to report for duty over at The Nudge Wink Report? Tap Long Awkward Pause on the shoulder and say, “Come hang at our place. We got cold beer.” And then issue a BOLO for Tom and hope he hasn’t gotten lost on his mountain. Check out this week’s Saturday Six via LAP!

    Liked by 1 person

  15. Now I have to write a new Christmas list, sigh.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. buahahahahaaa… thanks for this laugh, was truly epic and the comments…Ned …… *shakes head*

    Liked by 1 person

  17. This was great, thanks. I, too, wondered why God’s crotch was so prominent. There’s no shame in looking at it, in fact you couldn’t not look at it. Where did you find the toys??

    Liked by 1 person

  18. Way to ride to the rescue in such a spectacular fashion! But I suspect that NWR and LAP are really the same people. After all, has anyone ever seen both groups in the same room at once?

    Liked by 1 person

  19. Shape Shifter Punisher and Pole Dancer Barbie got drunk and gave themselves tattoos and plush STDs. God was not happy and smote (because I love that word!) them down with his AK-47. Holy pee and poo…. The End.

    Like

  20. What can I say that hasn’t been said. Thank God I haven’t got kids! Speaking of God
    List of X, you are my favourite with, “My name is The Lord. You killed my son. Prepare to die.”

    Like

Comments are closed.

%d bloggers like this: