life

So….Got Any Big Plans for the Weekend?

February 12, 2016 // 7 Comments

You almost forgot again, didn’t you? Well, never mind, you’ve just got time. Stop what you’re doing, before it’s too late. Clear your schedule. Have you taken care of dinner? Are you wearing the right clothes? Be sure that you’ve carefully set the mood, down to the last detail. You can’t afford to screw this [Click For More]

LAP chews fat with Surgeon General about obesity problem

January 29, 2016 // 40 Comments

Like many of you, I’ll never forget where I was when I heard the shocking news that obesity had officially become the No. 1 preventable health crisis in the nation. In fact, I can even tell you which super-sized meal I was eating. With millions of Americans resolved to lose weight for the New Year, now is the perfect time for us to [Click For More]

Eclectic; A Hipster Conversation

January 22, 2016 // 14 Comments

byline: Jude the Hipster Eclectic; a hipster conversation From the Merriam Webster online dictionary- ECLECTIC: (n) one who uses a method or approach that is composed of elements drawn from various sources; one who uses an eclectic method or approach. For the most part, people who use the term “eclectic” really piss me off. Generally, people [Click For More]

The Cost of The 12 Days of Christmas

December 24, 2015 // 14 Comments

On the First Day of Christmas my True Love gave to me…. A Partridge in a Pear Tree: True Love Spends: Pear Tree: Around $20 Partridge: $15-20 Your cost: To upkeep the pear tree: $390 a year Bird maintenance: $200 to $400 a [Click For More]

How to prepare yourself for seeng ‘The Force Awakens’

December 18, 2015 // 9 Comments

Last night I was among those relative few who, either through luck or Jedi mind trick, got to see the premier of what is arguably the biggest release in movie history. And by “arguably” I mean we could argue about it, but you would be wrong. Should you continue to argue, I will have a Wookie pull your arms out of their sockets. While [Click For More]

‘The Force’ will be strong with one staff member sooner than others

December 17, 2015 // 7 Comments

By this time tomorrow, one of the staff members here at LAP will be cooler than the rest. Except for Brainrants. No one is cooler than ‘Rants. Mostly because you can leave off half his name and it still sounds cool. Try that with the rest of us and the result sounds like someone grunting in the bathroom stall next to you: [Click For More]

A vote for me is a vote for anyone but Trump

December 6, 2015 // 21 Comments

For those of you who have been following me in my pursuit of “Performer of the Year” in the A Star is Born competition at The Public Blogger, then you know I’ve made the Final Four! *sound of old dog stretching* If you haven’t been following because you’ve had more important things to do, such as working on your [Click For More]

Happy Thanksgiving 2015

November 26, 2015 // 2 Comments

As another Thanksgiving comes and goes, with the smell of turkey and over zealous pigskin testosterone filling the air, plus the promise of Black Friday starting on a Thursday…around 6 pm…looming ahead of us like bright shiny gold filled gum drops dropped by a half naked pudgy baby…we at Long Awkward Pause are thankful [Click For More]

Your Thanksgiving questions answered by Mr. Knowitall

November 19, 2015 // 20 Comments

It’s been 395 years since that first Thanksgiving, when the Pilgrims and Wampanoag Indians sat down together in celebration and, much like the Americans of today, made a solemn vow not to eat more than your standard bull elk. We know this because of a passage recently discovered in the diary of Pilgrim Edward Winslow, who described the first [Click For More]

South Sobian Tinder

November 16, 2015 // 14 Comments

There is a small country located just south of Siberia called South Sobia. It’s small. It’s poor, but its people are proud. They work hard. They are mostly farmers and bar keeps. In fact, there are almost as many farmers as there are bar keeps. Weird. In the middle of South Sobia is where the library is located, and in the library [Click For More]

Homecoming Season Advice

November 5, 2015 // 15 Comments

I came out of my cave and realized that we’re getting close to homecoming and/or prom season and other holiday-related date situation seasons. By the way, the sun was really bright. It hurt. Moving on… I decided that all of the LAP Angry Dads out there (you know who you are) need a helpful guide to this perilous time of the [Click For More]

7 Ways to Get your Kid to Drop the Video Game…in a Flash

October 20, 2015 // 63 Comments

“No. I can’t leave,” my son says, his voice tight and low. “I’m in the middle of a raid!” These words are from the mouth of my tweener son, twelve years of know-it-all and dedicated gamer of the multiplayer variety. Typically, he shares his two-word vocabulary of “Good” and “K” sent via [Click For More]

In Which The Dog and I Discuss the New Pope

October 13, 2015 // 17 Comments

I had a conversation with the dog today. We were talking about the new pope. For the first time ever, I am actually not only aware of the Pope’s activities, but I am also finding I actually kinda like this Pope. I tried to explain this to Malachi, but it turns out, he’s not a very [Click For More]

The Sisterwives Mistakenly Interview Us

September 15, 2015 // 25 Comments

There is a group of powerful women writers who have collected together and formed the website: The Sisterwives. Should it be whom have collected? I don’t know. The grammar police will email me soon. They always do. I probably should have paid more attention in English class, but alas I have always run away from the thought of putting words [Click For More]

Ten Current Topics That Are Taking Over Our Lives

September 7, 2015 // 19 Comments

People tend to believe they are master minds, however, eventually the stuff they bring to the table has been created by using 2500 different recipes, and unfortunately, people just don’t want to consume it any longer. Here is a list of topics that are just taking over our [Click For More]

Our passion for football could get us hurt here at LAP

September 4, 2015 // 18 Comments

Like millions of red-blooded, unathletic men across America, I will now be spending a good portion of my Saturdays sitting on the couch, eating handfuls of assorted snack foods and whining every time a player from my team makes even the teeniest mistake. It doesn’t matter that these men are performing feats of athletic skill I can only achieve [Click For More]

What If Modern Man Interfered With The Boston Tea Party…

August 24, 2015 // 19 Comments

Let’s travel back in time for just a second… And we are going to take a modern day 2015 man with us, with his iPhone 6, his Old Navy apparel, and his forward-thinking ways. 1773 Sons of Liberty: Thank you all for coming to this meeting to discuss our displeasure in receiving another tax on our tea. Once again we had no say in English [Click For More]

Let’s face it, scientists: some genes are meant to be folded

July 30, 2015 // 10 Comments

It was 15 years ago this week that the bucardo mountain goat became extinct after a tree fell on the last of its species in northern Spain, prompting scientists to ponder the age-old question: If a tree falls on a goat in the woods, does it make a sound? To that end, U.S. and Spanish researchers are collaborating to utilize cells preserved in [Click For More]

If You Make A Guy Pinterest Famous

July 6, 2015 // 24 Comments

If you make a guy Pinterest famous… It might explain why the cashier at CVS is giving you weird looks… At first you were thinking it was the huge armpit stains on your shirt, but now…now you know better. She recognized you from your uber popular and super cool Pinterest board: 51 Tie Dye Do It Yourself Projects That has to be [Click For More]

Grads: Don’t look back… because your old room is already a hot tub

May 29, 2015 // 30 Comments

To this year’s high school graduates: As you cross the stage to receive your diploma, remember that you’re crossing a brand new threshold in your young life. That’s because, in most cases, your parents have already arranged for the contents of your room to be hauled onto the front lawn and sold, probably during the graduation ceremony [Click For More]