While some are at war with Christmas, others are celebrating the new made up holiday of Merry Trumpmas:
The remainder are either pulling out that flame retardant fake Christmas Tree, the one with the bottom row of branches that the factory installed lights won’t come on anymore, but that’s ok. We will just cover them up with stacked up presents, and as an added bonus it also keeps the cat from biting on the bulbs and electrocuting itself, which coincidentally is how they burnt out in the first place. Others will be hunting down that perfect live tree that someone else tracked through the tree farm to cut down, but that’s OK too, because the whole house will smell like fresh Christmas tree for 48 hours before the needles start turning brown and dropping off at a rapid pace despite our best efforts for keeping the damn thing alive.
“Keep spraying it with water!”
“You have to spray underneath the branches! I saw that on YouTube!”
“I’m spraying! I’m spraying!”
The next thing to do is to dig the Christmas ornaments out of the garage or attic. The box that is filled with wrapped memories of Christmas past. Delicate little treasures, carefully wrapped in tissue paper from years ago…but, oh wait, everyone was so sick of looking at the tree, and no one wanted to take it down, and when someone finally did…(Dad!)…they just threw all the ornaments in an old Amazon.com box that Aunt Betty sent the Grapefruit of the Month Club subscription in…even though someone in the house is allergic to citrus…but Aunt Betty is like 80 years old and doesn’t believe in allergies. So anyway, the ornaments were just thrown in the box and several pieces of toilet paper were laid on top for “protection”.
A lot of good that did. Most of them were crushed. Most of the good ones at least. The weird ones always survive, year after damn year,
Here is a collection of some of the most unusual Christmas Tree ornaments that will be hanging on the Long Awkward Pause Christmas tree:
Besides being a writer, Ned is also a fireman, What better way to celebrate what these brave men and women do for us day in and day out, then to turn them into merpeople and hang them on the Christmas tree. FYI: It’s much easier to put out fires with a fish tail.
What’s your favorite cheese for the holidays? I personally like Gouda no matter what time of year it is, but I know some folks are picky. By the way, purchase those Havarti ornaments early, those are always the first to go. Brie, not so much.
Children, gather around the fireplace as I tell you the story of the Christmas Pumpkin Head Demon Cat….
What makes this one weird is the fact that whales actually feel that Christmas has gotten too commercialized, and they don’t celebrate it anymore. In fact it’s banned in many different whale territories across the globe, so they certainly would not appreciate ornaments representing them. Especially in silver which makes them look fat.
Adam and Eve were around before Christmas obviously, or else Adam would know better than to get Eve an apple as a gift…she already has 20! Plus last year he got her Snake Skin boots, so it’s hard to top that.
Oh yes, the Christmas fortune cookie. A tradition dating long ago to a time when the dogs of the neighborhood invaded the house and ate the freshly cooked Christmas turkey. Then everyone had to go out to dinner at the only restaurant open in town…which was a Chinese one…
Or was that a movie?
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