comedy

10 New Major Endorsements Won By Donald Trump

February 19, 2016 // 9 Comments

Last week, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign had received a major boost when in a public appearance, former vice-presidential candidate and TV personality Sarah Palin went on raving and incoherent rant about Donald Trump and America, which most experts agreed constituted an endorsement of Donald Trump’s candidacy for president. But [Click For More]

So….Got Any Big Plans for the Weekend?

February 12, 2016 // 7 Comments

You almost forgot again, didn’t you? Well, never mind, you’ve just got time. Stop what you’re doing, before it’s too late. Clear your schedule. Have you taken care of dinner? Are you wearing the right clothes? Be sure that you’ve carefully set the mood, down to the last detail. You can’t afford to screw this [Click For More]

See? We don’t know what Taco Bell’s new menu item is either

February 5, 2016 // 26 Comments

There are certain perks that come with being a syndicated columnist. For example, just last month at the Oregon Plumbling Convention, I was honored with delivering the opening plunge in the Northwest Clogged Commode competition. In terms of prestige, this is like ringing the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange. At least in the competitive [Click For More]

LAP’s Cooking Playlist

February 1, 2016 // 12 Comments

I have two major passions in my life. Oops, forgot about the kids – make that THREE major passions in my life. But this isn’t a mommy blog, so you’re stuck with the other two. The first is food. Pretty obvious considering my blogging name, right? I love making food, eating other food that people made for me, reading about food, [Click For More]

LAP chews fat with Surgeon General about obesity problem

January 29, 2016 // 40 Comments

Like many of you, I’ll never forget where I was when I heard the shocking news that obesity had officially become the No. 1 preventable health crisis in the nation. In fact, I can even tell you which super-sized meal I was eating. With millions of Americans resolved to lose weight for the New Year, now is the perfect time for us to [Click For More]

Eclectic; A Hipster Conversation

January 22, 2016 // 14 Comments

byline: Jude the Hipster Eclectic; a hipster conversation From the Merriam Webster online dictionary- ECLECTIC: (n) one who uses a method or approach that is composed of elements drawn from various sources; one who uses an eclectic method or approach. For the most part, people who use the term “eclectic” really piss me off. Generally, people [Click For More]

Men That Cannot Get Laid

January 18, 2016 // 23 Comments

Have you ever met a straight man and thought to yourself…hmmmmmmmmmmm the only vagina you have ever seen was the one that you gave you life? The reason why they are not dating, or having any sort of a sexual relationship with a woman is because they lack communication skills. Period. End of story. Some men just do not get the concept of how to [Click For More]

2016: We Aren’t Potty Trained

January 14, 2016 // 11 Comments

2015 has come and is gone the way of anyone’s intestines after a two-hour long Indian food fest: down the drain, hopefully without the help of a plunger or a plumber. Let me further this metaphor, and I apologize ahead of time if you are currently eating. Let’s imagine that each year represents a pair of underwear in America’s [Click For More]

Handmade Is The New Sexy

January 11, 2016 // 13 Comments

We all received that special gift this past holiday. The one that someone close to you formed out of earthly elements or with wool sheared from an exotic animal. Exotic to you if you’ve never been closer to a sheep than the ones on your onesie your husband bought you as a joke but that you secretly love because it’s got a poop shoot. [Click For More]

Canada turns to LAP to broker peace with U.S.

January 7, 2016 // 36 Comments

Special Report ALBERTA, Canada — In an unprecedented move aimed at easing tensions between the U.S. and Canada following Justin Bieber’s request for permanent U.S. citizenship, Canadian officials have agreed to what they are calling a “mutually offensive [Click For More]

General Tso, who are you?

January 4, 2016 // 7 Comments

General Tso, who are you? Wikepedia describes you as a general who lived in Xiangyin during the 1800’s, yet the dish named after you was never eaten there, nor anywhere else near your city. What gives General? Who are you General? The world wants to know. The “chef’s special” wants to know. The mall food court wants to know who you are. I [Click For More]

LAP TV: Yelp Reviews!

December 28, 2015 // 5 Comments

This is the first episode of this series; it will definitely get better. I am still learning about writing comedic material, and shooting. So bear with me, but this first episode focuses on Yelp and some reviews that were a bit over the top. There will be more episodes soon to follow. This initial episode focuses on Denny’s. I hope you enjoy [Click For More]

The Cost of The 12 Days of Christmas

December 24, 2015 // 14 Comments

On the First Day of Christmas my True Love gave to me…. A Partridge in a Pear Tree: True Love Spends: Pear Tree: Around $20 Partridge: $15-20 Your cost: To upkeep the pear tree: $390 a year Bird maintenance: $200 to $400 a [Click For More]

Comedy Throwback: Who The Comedians Of Today Remind Me Of

December 22, 2015 // 5 Comments

Sometimes it’s fun to play stupid games like, “Who is the Richard Pryor of today?” So why not? But, before we get into this, I want to make it clear that I’m not trying to argue that any of these modern comedians are on par with the legends I am comparing them to. Nor am I saying they’ve necessarily been influenced by them, [Click For More]

How to prepare yourself for seeng ‘The Force Awakens’

December 18, 2015 // 9 Comments

Last night I was among those relative few who, either through luck or Jedi mind trick, got to see the premier of what is arguably the biggest release in movie history. And by “arguably” I mean we could argue about it, but you would be wrong. Should you continue to argue, I will have a Wookie pull your arms out of their sockets. While [Click For More]

Weird Christmas Ornaments

December 14, 2015 // 13 Comments

While some are at war with Christmas, others are celebrating the new made up holiday of Merry Trumpmas: The remainder are either pulling out that flame retardant fake Christmas Tree, the one with the bottom row of branches that the factory installed lights won’t come on anymore, but that’s ok. We [Click For More]

Geisha Silver Porn: The Reissue

December 8, 2015 // 16 Comments

The internet. Home to weirdos in search of naked silver geishas. What does that even mean? I’m not sure. I’m just a polite(ish) girl with a clever moniker — Gunmetal Geisha — playing messenger and bringing you the bizarre search terms that lead to my blog, gunmetalgeisha.com. Aside from the garden variety pervy searches, [Click For More]

Possible Outcomes of Building a Wall Along the American Border

December 3, 2015 // 15 Comments

The current debate over whether or not it is necessary to construct a wall along the United States border is a complex and delicate subject. As a resident of one of the potentially affected states (Minnesota), I have compiled a by-no-means-comprehensive list of pros and cons outlining some scenarios that would possibly stem from erecting a [Click For More]

Megacon Fan Days 2015 (The Mini Convention That Roared)

December 1, 2015 // 10 Comments

You have been standing in line for an hour. Ahead of you sits three kids wearing pokemon hats, two grown adults dressed as Captain American, four Norman Reedus clones and a partridge in a pear tree. Also, there is someone who looks like a cross between the Incredible Hulk and Spider-man. But you are not sure… You ask him. Yes. He is [Click For More]

Dumb Stuff the Weather Guy Says

November 30, 2015 // 36 Comments

Winter is coming – everyone’s least favorite season. Between the snow and cold, we get to deal with falling on our asses because of ice, and shoveling tons of white crap off our walkways. Unless you live in Florida, of course. I excluded California since they shovel tons of white shit year-round. Weather people are supposed to [Click For More]