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Possible Outcomes of Building a Wall Along the American Border

The current debate over whether or not it is necessary to construct a wall along the United States border is a complex and delicate subject. As a resident of one of the potentially affected states (Minnesota), I have compiled a by-no-means-comprehensive list of pros and cons outlining some scenarios that would possibly stem from erecting a barrier between America and Canada. Pro---The first, and most obvious benefit of a wall: it will keep Canadians out. American jobs will go to American people. American currency will stay in America. Con---You can kiss authentic Canadian cuisine goodbye. Imagine, instead of a real Canadian using his finger or other long, dangling digit to put the hole in your Bagel de Montréal, this will now be done by a pock-faced American teenager that cannot locate Saskatoon on a map. Americanized poutine simulacrum will proliferate. No more shipments of ketchup-flavored potato chips.

Pro—Three studies have shown that catapults are the most effective way to get over border walls. Therefore, stock in an obscure Canadian ballistic laboratory will skyrocket, and American investors will suddenly have no problem with Canada. Con—The investors will collectively lose millions after throwing their money at what turns out to be a backwoods moosemilk distillery run by a Canuck with a slingshot.

Trebuchet1

source: pages.cs.wisc.edu

Pro—A massive network of underground tunnels will be dug underneath the wall. We will cap the exit holes on the American side, and use drone strikes to demolish the Canadian entrances. Thousands will be trapped beneath the Earth’s surface, and they will evolve into a blind albino race capable of absorbing nutrients from clay. The pro here is that racism will not exist in this culture, because they are blind. Con—When the albinos inevitably make their way earthside, whether in Canada or America, hobby stores will find it virtually impossible to keep clay in stock. The owners will send their minions on a rush to clay-rich regions, giving rise to boomtowns and all of their associated vices (prostitution, massive slaughter of indigenous peoples, ruthless barons, greedy tycoons, uncouth lawmen, cowpokes riding into saloons on horseback, etc.). Hobby store owners will be the new royalty, and America will soon smell like the deepest, darkest recesses of Bob Ross’ afro after a marathon painting session.

Pro—Mexico will become the voice of reason and intervene. Future Mexican presidente Ronaldo Rodreaganez will give a historic speech, broadcast to America on Telemundo, that goes something like this: “Señor Trump (not Donald, by this time his grandson will have inherited the American dictatorship), tear down this wall.” Con—Microscopic fibers from the current Trump’s hair were sprinkled into the wall’s concrete mixture, and as that concrete set, Donald spoke to the wall every night, telling it xenophobic anecdotes and tales of his business prowess, which caused the barrier to form a think narcissistic skin that is indestructible. America falls into something similar to the Japanese period of Sakoku, in which no outsiders can enter, and no natives can leave.

Pro—David Hasselhoff will one day perform a concert on the wall. Con—The social and political messages of his music will be overshadowed by the Hoff’s well-defined cheekbones and swiveling hips. He will also be pelted by an unopened can of Molson Ice, further souring Canadian/American relations.

Sides will be taken. Hashtag activists will wear out their ‘shift’ and ‘3’ keys. Bunkers will be stocked with French fries and gravy. A counter movement will form, wanting to dig a trench instead.

The storm is coming.

 


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15 Comments on Possible Outcomes of Building a Wall Along the American Border

  1. Your idea has some merit, but people from Canada — or even other countries! — might still be able to enter the US. The obvious solution is to cover the entire country with cement, build four huge huge walls and put a roof over the top thus turning the country into completely safe concrete box. Which country could fail to thrive under such conditions?

    Liked by 1 person

  2. You know, if we build the wall tall enough, it’ll keep those cold-ass polar vortexes out too. Not to mention future versions of Bieber.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. We could build the wall out of balloons and hot air. Line up all the presidential candidates and ask them to blow. Also, a climate-change friendly solution. *grin*

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I for one can’t wait until albino mole men replace Nascar dads as the target demographic. The commercials are going to sound much better.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. What’s the plan for the Great Lakes and Niagara, wall or no wall? It might be too difficult to build a wall across a lake or through a waterfall, but if there’s no wall, some Canadians will slip through – definitely Canadian geese, but the Canadian people could too.

    Like

  6. Vivre les croustilles du ketchup!

    Like

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