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How to prepare yourself for seeng ‘The Force Awakens’

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Last night I was among those relative few who, either through luck or Jedi mind trick, got to see the premier of what is arguably the biggest release in movie history. And by “arguably” I mean we could argue about it, but you would be wrong. Should you continue to argue, I will have a Wookie pull your arms out of their sockets.

While I’m not going to give away any surprises (Chewbacca sees an electrolysist on Tatooine!), let me put your fears to rest that J.J. Abrams has created a perfect blend of nostalgia and new adventure, tied together with engaging characters who, unlike the last trilogy, don’t appear to be rehearsing for an episode of “The Young and the Restless.”

In short: I will be seeing this movie again.

Soon.

Likely several times. Or at least until someone notices I’ve been in the same theater for four straight days. Probably because of the smell.

Although I won’t tell you anything about the movie that will spoil it, I will tell you a few things to help you prepare for the full experience.

To begin with, for at least for the next several weeks you can expect to be in line, sitting behind or using the restroom next to people who look like this:

 

I already have a hard time using a urinal next to someone else. This didn't make it any easier.

I already have a hard time using a urinal next to someone else. This didn’t make it any easier.

 

I don't remember this guy from any of the movies. It's possible he was there to see "Sisters" and just dresses like this. If so, my bad...

I don’t remember this guy from any of the movies. It’s possible he was there to see “Sisters” and just dresses like this. If so, my bad…

You can also expect to witness unintentional re-enactments of scenes from previous movies as people in costume try finding a seat in packed theaters…

Star Wars 6.5
No Hope for a seat
It is a time of civil war as theater-goers throughout the galaxy battle for seats at the latest Star Wars movie. After arriving late for her rendezvous with the Rebellion, Princess Leia desperately searches for an empty seat, determined to avoid sitting next to the Fat Guy dressed as Jabba the Hut...

 

In addition, be prepared to feel a little ashamed of yourself — possibly even awkwardly out of place — if, like me, you didn’t take the opportunity to dress up for the occasion. Seriously. Who’s the odd man out in this picture?

Yep, that would be me. Anyone want to play "One of These Things Is Not Like the Other?" Exactly — why bother?

Yep, that would be me. Anyone want to play “One of These Things Is Not Like the Other?” Exactly — why bother?

Lastly, when you go to see The Force Awakens, you can expect to cry.  A lot. I’m not giving away any spoilers by saying that. I’m just telling you that once the screen erupts with the Star Wars theme song and the opening title hits the screen, you’re going to cry.

Or openly weep so much that even the guy sitting next to you dressed as Darth Sidious begins to get uncomfortable.

But hey! Who cares! Star Wars is BACK! And it’s awesome again. And at least for a little while the world will share a common experience that has nothing to do with Donald Trump or the Kardashians.

And the only hate mongering will be aimed at where it should be:

The New Order.

 

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Especially since (Spoiler Alert!) there’s no Jar-Jar Binks to be seen in this movie…

 

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About Ned's Blog (35 Articles)
I've been a journalist and humor columnist at the Siuslaw News for 16 years. I'm also a volunteer firefighter. If the newspaper ever burns down, I will have some explaining to do. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

8 Comments on How to prepare yourself for seeng ‘The Force Awakens’

  1. Thank God JJ Abrams didn’t fcuk up this series like he did Star Trek, or I’d have to kill him.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. At the showing I went to, Princess Leia was also looking for a seat. Except this Leia happened to be a man.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Jar Jar Binks is not in the movie? Why, that’s not a spoiler, it’s an exact opposite of a spoiler – (an improver?) – that makes me want to see this movie even more.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I am so not disappointed.

    Liked by 1 person

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