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Canada turns to LAP to broker peace with U.S.

image                                                 Special Report ALBERTA, Canada — In an unprecedented move aimed at easing tensions between the U.S. and Canada following Justin Bieber's request for permanent U.S. citizenship, Canadian officials have agreed to what they are calling a "mutually offensive compromise" by granting temporary citizenship to one staff member from Long Awkward Pause.

“We think allowing anyone from LAP citizenship in our country for 24 hours is more than enough to make up for 10 years of Justin Bieber,” said Pierre Bidet, a spokesman who helped broker the decision. “However, if there is an attempt to extend the citizenship beyond 24 hours, we are prepared to jettison Rob Ford across the channel and into Seattle.”

After hours of closed-door deliberation, LAP announced it had selected a representative and, coincidentally, run out of beer. “From what we remember from the meeting, the two aren’t related,” said LAP staff member Jack DeVoss. “But we chose Ned because he was the most qualified. Plus he got there late and was sober.”

As a result, Ned Hickson will be allowed 24 hours as an official Canadian citizen once travel arrangements are made and a chaperone has been assigned.

News and Social Drinking corespondent Ned Hickson

News and Social Drinking corespondent Ned Hickson

“I’m very excited about the opportunity to live as a Canuck,” said Hickson, who has already begun preparing for the transition by adding the letter “u” to words unnecessarily. “I’m also taking a Rosetta Stone language course so I will be fluent in Canadian and not have to depend on a translator… I mean ‘translatour.'”

While details are being finalized, Ned has prepared this Special Report for LAP-TV…

 


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About Ned's Blog (35 Articles)
I've been a journalist and humor columnist at the Siuslaw News for 16 years. I'm also a volunteer firefighter. If the newspaper ever burns down, I will have some explaining to do. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

36 Comments on Canada turns to LAP to broker peace with U.S.

  1. While you’re up there, first apologize and then determine how willing they are to taking Celine Dion back.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I thought you were already given a special 24 hour Canadian Citizenship a year ago or so? We’ve granted you time again? What in heaven’s name are we thinking up here? The maple syrup must have gone to our heads.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. Ned is welcome here any time. I’m sure his arrival at the airport will be akin to The Beatles arrival in the US. Maybe a little less screaming. Perhaps a few less people. Ok… maybe me and the other three Canadians who read LAP. We’ll be there.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. It’s a trap, Ned! They’re going to tax you for all you have ($4.59 worth of baby oil and red thong underwear) and subject you to all kinds of state-paid surgeries!

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Bieber has applied for US citizenship??? Hahahaha. 😀 But will your citizenship dept dare to approve him? Americans are very smart people, but sometimes …

    We will gladly take you in return, Ned. (Do we get to keep you?) Alberta is great – I lived there for many years. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • But sometimes… yeah, Trump.

      I’ve actually been to Alberta, Nova Scotia, Victoria, B.C. (not “before Christ”) and spent time on Campbell River. All gorgeous! And before Bieber…

      Like

  6. Better pack your fleece-lined boxers. It’s nippy up here. *grin*

    Like

  7. You’ll love it up there… you can touch the dancers.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Thanks for getting “about” right…your indoctrination has already begun (or as the Americans spell it “begn”)

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Very humourous. When you Rush up there, close the damn door letting all that cold air down here would you, please? It’s going to be about 3 degrees F here in South FrozenHellDakota this weekend, which translates to about 16 below zero C (Commie) degrees. Good time to drink some Canadian whiskey instead of Molson, eh?

    Liked by 1 person

    • Holy S@#T! I thought scraping down my car window this morning with a Starbucks gift card was rough! Stay warm and remember the election season is starting, so there will be a lot of hot air coming your way soon…

      Like

  10. I would say delicious poutine makes up for any characters of ill repute they’ve sent down here, but I think Americans would have invented it sooner or later. And probably with more cheese.

    Liked by 1 person

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