comedy

Happy Thanksgiving 2015

November 26, 2015 // 2 Comments

As another Thanksgiving comes and goes, with the smell of turkey and over zealous pigskin testosterone filling the air, plus the promise of Black Friday starting on a Thursday…around 6 pm…looming ahead of us like bright shiny gold filled gum drops dropped by a half naked pudgy baby…we at Long Awkward Pause are thankful [Click For More]

SOCIAL SATURDAYS VOLUME EIGHT

November 21, 2015 // 3 Comments

It’s time for another installment of: Social Saturdays! Social Saturdays is the feature where we find out what the Long Awkward Pause staff members are Tweeting, Facebooking, Instragraming, MySpacing, Ebaying, Snapchatting, or Emailing lately. Hell, I think one of us is still on Friendster. You’re probably following most of them [Click For More]

Your Thanksgiving questions answered by Mr. Knowitall

November 19, 2015 // 20 Comments

It’s been 395 years since that first Thanksgiving, when the Pilgrims and Wampanoag Indians sat down together in celebration and, much like the Americans of today, made a solemn vow not to eat more than your standard bull elk. We know this because of a passage recently discovered in the diary of Pilgrim Edward Winslow, who described the first [Click For More]

South Sobian Tinder

November 16, 2015 // 14 Comments

There is a small country located just south of Siberia called South Sobia. It’s small. It’s poor, but its people are proud. They work hard. They are mostly farmers and bar keeps. In fact, there are almost as many farmers as there are bar keeps. Weird. In the middle of South Sobia is where the library is located, and in the library [Click For More]

Social Saturdays Volume Six

October 31, 2015 // 10 Comments

Welcome to another installment of: Social Saturdays! This is where we find out what the staff members of Long Awkward Pause are Tweeting, Facebooking, Instragraming, MySpacing, Ebaying, Emailing, Halloweening, and whatever else they maybe doing instead of writing articles. You are probably following most of them anyway…and if you’re [Click For More]

Saving the Earth from an asteroid could come down to a good paint job

October 30, 2015 // 21 Comments

Scientists and Hollywood can agree on one thing: It’s only a matter of time before the Earth is destroyed. Most likely by an asteroid. Possibly as early as this evening. That’s because scientists at the PanSTARRS observatory in Hawaii tell us astroid TB145 will have a near-miss with the Earth tonight around 5:45 p.m. (PST). The discovery [Click For More]

Chewbacca Arrested While Campaigning for Vader

October 29, 2015 // 7 Comments

So apparently, this past Sunday, while we were all watching football and discussing Donald Trump’s hair, Chewbacca was in Odessa, Ukraine getting arrested. Why, you ask? Let me ‘splain… Your see, Darth Vader (his real name, FTW) was making his play for mayoral candidacy under the Ukraine Internet Party (UIP). Now you might know [Click For More]

The Creepiest Cookies Ever

October 28, 2015 // 11 Comments

Halloween is coming up and this time around it falls on Saturday, so there’s bound to be a ton of costume parties everywhere. Whether you’re attending one or hosting, there’s a lot of things to do to get ready for the big night. I know one of my dilemmas is whether I should stay at home and pass out candy to the trick-or-treaters or [Click For More]

My Interview With A Long Awkward Pause Hater

October 26, 2015 // 18 Comments

Not everybody is going to like what you do, and that’s fine. Art comes in many forms and if we all liked the same style of it, then the world would be a rather boring place. Imagine if nothing but romance novels, country music, 18th century French paintings, and boxed wine were all we had…. I know about 6 of you just said, “Hell [Click For More]

Lamar Odom – I Don’t Care

October 23, 2015 // 27 Comments

Sick of hearing about Lamar Odom, cocaine, hookers and his wife? Me too. Let's do something about it. [Click For More]

7 Ways to Get your Kid to Drop the Video Game…in a Flash

October 20, 2015 // 63 Comments

“No. I can’t leave,” my son says, his voice tight and low. “I’m in the middle of a raid!” These words are from the mouth of my tweener son, twelve years of know-it-all and dedicated gamer of the multiplayer variety. Typically, he shares his two-word vocabulary of “Good” and “K” sent via [Click For More]

Social Saturdays Volume Five

October 17, 2015 // 22 Comments

Welcome to another installment of: Social Saturdays! This is where we find out what the staff members of Long Awkward Pause are Tweeting, Facebooking, Instragraming, MySpacing, Ebaying, Emailing, Nipple Tweeking, and whatever else they maybe doing instead of writing articles. You are probably following most of them anyway…and if [Click For More]

I’m the Male Jennifer Aniston

October 15, 2015 // 14 Comments

Why are you laughing? It’s true in so many ways. We’re both damn good looking even though we’re on the wrong side of forty. We’re both adored and emulated by people around the world. We both have been on television shows – History Channel for me (which I should tell you about sometime) and some little-known NBC sitcom for her. [Click For More]

In Which The Dog and I Discuss the New Pope

October 13, 2015 // 17 Comments

I had a conversation with the dog today. We were talking about the new pope. For the first time ever, I am actually not only aware of the Pope’s activities, but I am also finding I actually kinda like this Pope. I tried to explain this to Malachi, but it turns out, he’s not a very [Click For More]

Social Saturdays Volume Four

October 10, 2015 // 32 Comments

Welcome to another installment of: Social Saturdays! This is where we find out what the staff members of Long Awkward Pause are Tweeting, Facebooking, Instragraming, MySpacing, Ebaying, Emailing, Pope Stalking, and whatever else they maybe doing instead of writing articles. You are probably following most of them anyway…and if you’re [Click For More]

The End Of The World Didn’t Happen, Again.

October 8, 2015 // 26 Comments

The end of the world was yesterday. Sick of these end of the world predictions? I've got the answer. [Click For More]

How To Slow Down Time

October 5, 2015 // 4 Comments

It’s not only that time goes by so quickly or our attention spans are low. It’s context. Within a two-week period, we jump from a summer state-of-mind to fall just because Costco decides it’s time to sell Halloween stuff right after 4th of July. I see Halloween orange and black, and I immediately think Thanksgiving, because, pumpkin-overlap. [Click For More]

Social Saturdays Volume Three

October 3, 2015 // 20 Comments

Welcome to another installment of: Social Saturdays! This is where we find out what the staff members of Long Awkward Pause are Tweeting, Facebooking, Instragraming, MySpacing, Ebaying, Emailing, Noodling, and whatever else they maybe doing instead of writing articles. You are probably following most of them anyway…and if you’re not, [Click For More]

Mars + Facebook Down = End Of The World

October 1, 2015 // 24 Comments

“There is water on Mars! There is water on Mars!” screamed Lidia, our present secretary here at the offices of Long Awkward Pause. Lidia generally has time for such revelations because all she does all day is check Facebook and play Candy Crush. To her defense, there is not much else to do. We generally do not receive a whole lot of [Click For More]

Warning labels could be impeding the Natural Selection process

September 28, 2015 // 38 Comments

There was a time when manufacturers included warnings on their products as a way to provide useful information that could potentially save our lives. Or, at the very least, our eyebrows and/or stomach lining. However, that all changed more than a decade ago when McDonald’s had to serve up a McMillion dollars to the woman who didn’t realize [Click For More]