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In Which The Dog and I Discuss the New Pope

I had a conversation with the dog today.  We were talking about the new pope.  For the first time ever, I am actually not only aware of the Pope's activities, but I am also finding I actually kinda like this Pope.  I tried to explain this to Malachi, but it turns out, he's not a very adept conversationalist.

Me: The Pope is on Twitter. 


What's a Twitter? It sounds yummy!

What’s a Twitter? It sounds yummy!

No, dog.  Twitter is a social networking site…like Facebook.  Only with hastags.

Ooh! What's a hashtag? It sounds delicious.

Ooh! What’s a hashtag? It sounds delicious.

It’s not a food.  It’s like that wonky little number symbol that’s on a telephone…

Nevermind.  Forget it.  The point is, this new Pope, he’s actually pretty cool.  I’m not even religious and I like him.   

Why? Does he taste good?

Why? Does he taste good?

No, man.  He’s the head of the Roman Catholic Church.  He’s a big deal to Christians everywhere.  He has, like, supreme and universal power over the whole Church.  People all over the world look to him for spiritual guidance…   In Christian theology, he’s the traditional successor to Saint Peter, to whom Jesus gave the keys of Heaven.

. . .um

. . .um

He’s like, um… the main guy…how do I explain this…?  Like, he would give you all the treats and walkies and belly scratchin’s you could want, if you only follow the rules.  

Walkies? Belly scratchins'? Ooh, I like him. I like him a lot!

Walkies? Belly scratchin’s? Ooh, I like him. I like him a lot!                               …Does he give you belly scratchin’s?

Well, no.  But that’s not why I like him…

 I’m not religious.  I’m an atheist, you know?  But even though I’m not religious, a lot of people in the world are Christians.  And with this new Pope, for the first time in a long time, I feel like the Church may make some important social steps forward.   You see, buddy, there are a lot of different people in this country and not all of them are very nice.

Not nice?  Like... no walkies??  Or belly scratchin's?

Not nice?  Like… no walkies??  Or belly scratchin’s?

No walkies.  No belly scratchins.  No head pettin’s or treats or cookies or cakes or marriage licenses…  Because they follow these rules written in this very old book, and they want everyone else to follow them too, whether we believe in the book or not.  

Marriage licenses-es?  What's that?  It sounds tasty.

Marriage licenses-es?  What’s that?  It sounds tasty.

No, man, you don’t eat it!  It’s a piece of paper! 

Geez...fiiiine. You don't have to be all testy about it.

Well I like paper…Geez.  Can I at least pee on it?

No,dude! Look, just forget it.  We’re getting off track here.  I’m trying to tell you why I like this guy.  I like this Pope because when the mean people look to him and ask him if it’s okay to be mean to someone who doesn’t believe in their rules and their faith, he tells them “no.”  He is taking the Church away from the strict and unyielding view it has historically held on some subjects. He is telling people, mean people and all people, to take a step away from all the judgement and punishment that is really not theirs to dole out in the first place, and he’s trying to balance the rules of the Church with the love and mercy that Jesus intended.  

... I think I get it... maybe...

…Well, that sounds sorta nice, I guess…

For instance, take this whole Kim Davis thing…  She’s one of those big, ol’ meanies who not only wants to force everyone to follow her rules, she doesn’t even follow them all.  She doesn’t think people different than her deserve to be happy.

Well, that doesn't sound good.  No walkies...

Well, that doesn’t sound good.  She’s like…no walkies, then…?

Nope, not good.  Worse than no walkies.  Kim Davis is like…like… the nurse at the vet’s office that tries to stick a thermometer in your butt.


WHAT?! ?! 

Man, I hate that...

Man, that IS bad. 

Yup… she’s a real bitch.

A bitch??!

Wait… A bitch??!

Not THAT kind of bitch, buddy.  Besides, you’re neutered…but if you want, you can pee on her.

De Voss invited me to do a guest post here today.  I must say, I’m honored.  Thanks, Chris…but you still can’t see my boobs. – ARQ

Oh well, you can find AlienRedQueen here, where she writes fiction, commentary, and trains doggies.


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About alienredqueen (1 Article)
Mama, wife, animal lover. artist, writer, aspiring novelist certified dog trainer, mother, animal lover, ‘cat lady’, gamer, horror movie fanatic and zombie apocalypse survivor college graduate, avid book consumer (burp!) lover of music (ecclectic), but especially Industrial and Alternative rock and metal collector of tattoos and piercings

17 Comments on In Which The Dog and I Discuss the New Pope

  1. This is a scream. I just walked the Camino Santiago de Compostela and although am completely agnostic, developed a whole new level of understanding of why religions exist and how especially Catholicism achieves what it does via ritual and awe, etc. What a relief that alternative belief systems are more acceptable in our times! My Catholic friend posted a Facebook about Pope Francis having just said that some very good people have no God belief and some horrible people are spouting God beliefs – it’s wonderful that he gets it and is comfortable saying it.

    Malachi is adorable.

    Liked by 2 people

    • Thank you! Malachi KNOWS he is adorable. lol He’s a booger. Yes, it’s weird, although I am atheist, I still find old churches extremely peaceful. SOmething to do with the large vaulted ceilings, old wood work and stained glass. I suspect it is the hush and awe, as you say, of the place.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I wish my dog spoke English…then again maybe I don’t. I tend to call it an asshole under my breath a lot….

    Liked by 3 people

  3. Honestly, my cat wasn’t too impressed with the new Pope either. Maybe it has to do with the fact that the Church still hasn’t reversed its position on cats and dogs not being allowed into heaven.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I suspect that if our pets understood our religious issues then they wouldn’t make very good pets anymore.

    Liked by 2 people

  5. It’s been my experience that dogs generally have good instincts when it comes to people. Our dog has nipped every one of my daughter’s boyfriends. I trust his judgement. I also trust Malachi’s. If he doesn’t bite the Pope, I’ll give him a thumbs-up.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’d like to believe that too, but I am not so sure. I’m actually a dog trainer IRL as well, and I’ve learned that often when a dog acts “fearful” or apprehensive of a certain type of person, it often boils down to nothing more than the fact that they have not been socialized to that type of person . Dogs aren’t great at generalization. If, for example, they have been around “a lot” of people,. but never or only rarely, say, an old person, or a black person (I knew of a dog who didn’t “like” black people, (and since dogs are not really capable of ageism or racism in human terms) a dog may be more likely to exhibit suspicion of said person.
      Oooor, your daughter’s boyfriend is an asshole, and your dog is not used to being around assholes. lol

      Liked by 1 person

  6. The longer I live, the more I like my dogs and cats. They are who they are, no pretenses. Dogs are often a great judge of character, but just a Malachi points out, any asshole with the right treat trumps an angel that smells like a cat. 🙂

    I think Ned’s nip test is a great idea.

    Liked by 2 people

  7. Reblogged this on alienredqueen and commented:

    Yay! I am honored to be a guest contributor to Long Awkward Pause today. Check it out, and while you’re there, feel free to poke around some. 😀


  8. Xenolicker // October 15, 2015 at 6:08 am //

    The Pope is Dope! (but don’t leave him alone with your children…)


  9. Hilarious post.
    *barks in laughter*

    Liked by 1 person

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