Mars + Facebook Down = End Of The World
“There is water on Mars! There is water on Mars!” screamed Lidia, our present secretary here at the offices of Long Awkward Pause. Lidia generally has time for such revelations because all she does all day is check Facebook and play Candy Crush.
To her defense, there is not much else to do.
We generally do not receive a whole lot of phone calls or foot traffic through the front door…with the exception of a food delivery or Rant’s daily gun wax shipment.
“What do you think that means?!” Lidia asked each one of us. She grabbed me by the collar and shook me so I hard I dropped my Peanut Butter and Chocolate Chip Granola bar. She was breathless. “What….does…that…mean? Life? Life on Mars?!”
“I don’t know!” I responded back, bits of granola in my teeth. “I’m guessing women with three boobs?”
Lidia stopped and looked at me in such utter disgust like I had just pooped my pants. (Which I hadn’t done since Kindegarten, FYI!)
“What are you talking about?! This makes no sense! Three boobed women?!”
I laughed. “Have you never seen Total Recall with Arnold Schwarzeneggar?”
Lidia grabbed my cheeks in her sweaty hands. “Don’t you understand you childish, little man? This is the find of the century! This means there might be life on another planet! And all you can think of is some dumb movie?!”
“Well…” I stammered. “Sort of…come on! She had three boobs!”
Lidia stomped off to go find someone else to talk too, which allowed me to go to my laptop. After a quick Google search, I came across an article on the NY Times website.
Quickly skimming through it, it said…and I quote:
So….
If I am to understand this right…
Through my thorough, but quick skimming of this article on the NY Times website, that someone so painstakingly researched and talked to several actual NASA scientists about….
We actually did not find water, but hydrated salt…which is the result of water once being there…at some point…in the history of a billion-plus year old universe…
I wasn’t quite as moved to hysterics and tears as Lidia was, but I was able to give a rather impressive, “Hmmmmm!” out loud.
Just as I gave my rather impressive, “Hmmmmm!” out loud, suddenly Facebook went dark!
I saw Ned stand up from his chair and say, “Hey, suddenly Facebook went dark!”
Jack also stood up from his chair and said, “Yup.”
I stood there for a second. Suddenly, things did not feel right. The hairs on the back of my neck were tingling, so I quickly moved away from the air conditioner and they stopped.
My stomach dropped.
I came to the realization that Facebook went down just as NASA released information that they found hydrated salt on Mars.
My brain started clicking and going into overdrive.
Facebook went down.
Mars has salt.
Salt was there because water was there at some point.
Water supports life on Mars.
Life on Mars are Martians.
Martians have three boobs.
Martians surprise attack Earth because we discovered their existence.
Martians are sneaky and shut down Facebook as their first wave of attack!
Martians hate Facebook. Martians prefer Twitter.
I quickly open up my Twitter and searched for: Martian Invasion. I find this account: @marsinvades.
There are no tweets from this account. It only has 11 followers.
I assume all 11 are Martians.
©WARNER BROS. PICTURES
I thought maybe I should tell Lidia my findings, but she had already quit for the day. She left in haste leaving behind a half eaten Twix bar on her desk and her computer open. On her screen was this image:
source: facebook
“Hmmmmmmmm!”
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Yeah, well, those streaks have been noticed for many years- the water conclusion is new. When something is millions of miles away and someone says : “This is there but I haven’t seen it – just deduced its existence” , I am a touch more than skeptical. Deduction assumes the knowledge of the surrounding facts as well as knowledge of what processes are occurring. Deduction is suspect when speaking of an environment that no person has ever visited and that exists on another planet. If they had said that they had seen a liquid flowing down a hill, I would still be skeptical that it was water. Anything short of a chemical analysis would not be sufficient proof for me, even if I were standing there watching it. After all this is another planet folks, not the other side of the road.
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When i first heard of this story, I thought it was actual water. After researching, I learned it was evidence of water that could have been there. Needless to say I was really disappointed. I think to assume we are the only life in a universe full of planets would be narrow minded, but I also think it’s funny we always think the other life is so far advanced than us. What if they were behind us? Then we would be the space invaders.
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The argument doesn’t really apply within our solar system but as for visitors from another planet, the assumption that we are the new kids on the block is likely to be true. The Milky way, where our planet Earth circulates, is the new subdivision in the neighborhood. The universe is about 10 billion years old but the Milky Way is about half that. The chances of other life developing ahead of us when they have billions of years of head start, is most likely. I too think we would have to be megalomaniacs to believe we are the only life in the universe.
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I agree with that…but let me throw this on the table. Did we evolve out of a need or a desire too? Our planet going through several catastrophes and conditions that shaped and made it what it is today. Evidence by the fact that some species needed to evolve to survive, while others did not. So, if another planet supports life, it may have life on it that never needed to advance and grow because they planet never changed in anyway, shape, or form.
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That’s an interesting take on evolution. Personally I have some issues with evolution- I don’t think the mechanism suggested by Darwin works as quickly or definitively as it would have to in order to explain how we ended up the way we are- or the way any species is for that matter. We have gone through around 250,000 generations and yet some of our advancements should take many times that in order for selection to work. On top of this there are some strange exceptions to evolution. In the entire history of our species, we have lived in a gravity well. That would imply that all our systems would have integrated gravity into their operating mechanisms. And yet, it turns out that humans, and other animals, can operate perfectly well in a zero gravity environment- a place we have never been in millions of years of development. Peculiar what? There are other issues that don’t ring true with evolution as well. I do believe that the concept is a driver – I do not think it is alone in drafting our development. I am suspicious that although the Earth may have been the shipyard in which we were built – the plans may have come from elsewhere.
To return to your question – why are we not like crocodiles or cockroaches, both of which have remained at the same evolutionary position for millions of years.I suspect that is so because there is a plan of some sort – we are designed to evolve and other species were not. I suspect that life on earth is much like the structure of a skyscraper-for every three floors it goes above ground, it must have one floor or the equivalent (i.e. steel beams driven into the soil) below the ground for support. In other words, one has to look at the gene pool from a planetary perspective and as such for changes to be stable, then some genetic material much remain unchanged as a base.
My guess is that this same change/unchanged balance is likely present to support genetic development. If that is the case then there will be components of alien fauna like our crocodiles and components like us (in terms of evolutionary development – not necessarily physically like us).
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Well yes, that is basically what I meant, but in a much dumber way. Good points.
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I like to think of Martians who enjoy a good margarita, as evidenced by the traces of salt found on Mars.
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Mars has water. I’ve seen it. Not as much as Lidia’s sweaty-ass hands, but it’s there. I’ve probably just said too much.
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You always do, but that’s why we like you.
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Some people think I have Tourettes.
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Doctor Who found water on Mars several years ago . . . it didn’t end well then, either.
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I don’t watch…what happened to the good doctor?
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Oh, he escaped; the first settlers on Mars weren’t so lucky – and all because the water got to them. One drop and they were done for. In fact, the episode was called “The Waters of Mars”.
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Very original title. I haven’t watched Doctor Who since the Tom Baker days.
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Baker is the best Doctor before the Eccleston reboot.
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All seems very logical to me but hey I’m a man and you got me at three boobs.
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Three boobs for the win.
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At least you are allowed to have Facebook. We’ve been banned. We can’t even listen to Pandora radio anymore. I’m down to watching old Iron Chef Japanese episodes on YouTube. Sorry. This was all completely irrelevant.
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Where are you that Facebook and Pandora are banned? I know some countries have strict internet polices.
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I work for the fantastic state of Louisiana (eye roll).
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That’s like another country.
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True.
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“It’s not a legit LAP post if it doesn’t mention boobs.” — anyone who’s ever blogged on LAP
This is good to know.
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Boobs make the world go round…
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