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Warning labels could be impeding the Natural Selection process

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There was a time when manufacturers included warnings on their products as a way to provide useful information that could potentially save our lives. Or, at the very least, our eyebrows and/or stomach lining.

However, that all changed more than a decade ago when McDonald’s had to serve up a McMillion dollars to the woman who didn’t realize that spilling hot coffee on yourself while behind the wheel of a car can lead to a condition commonly known as “The Open-Road Lap Dance.”

In truth, that condition is really just an extension of the more common rule known as “Cause and effect,” which states:

‘Cause I’m dumb enough to place hot coffee next to the most vulnerable spot on my entire body, I am, in effect, going to do something even dumber by spilling it there. Probably before I leave the drive-thru.

Though the woman claimed to be unfamiliar with either of these two concepts, she WAS familiar with the judicial system, and how her coffee mishap could lead to litigation and a new home in the Hamptons. That landmark decision opened the floodgates to a barrage of wrongful injury cases aimed at sending a clear message to American businesses:

We will buy your products.
We will use your products.
And, God willing, we will hurt ourselves with your products and retire early.

Because of this, manufacturers have been forced to hire consultants who do nothing but sit around trying to think up ways stupid people could hurt themselves with their products. Coincidentally, LAP was able to gain access to one of these brainstorming sessions (although access was limited for fear that someone might hurt themselves). While we’re not at liberty to divulge the company’s identity, we can tell you there are at least five ways a stupid person can fatally injure themselves with a bar of Irish Spring.

The reason we bring this up is because of an actual, real-life warning label discovered yesterday on the handle of a friend’s new baby stroller, which reads:

Always remove child before folding

First of all, we’d like to point out that this time-saving tip was NOT included anywhere in the instruction manual. Had our friend known how much easier the folding process would have been by simply removing his child first, he wouldn’t have spent nearly an HOUR trying to pry his son loose from the grip of his $200 stroller.

Ha! We’re kidding, of course! He never, at any time, actually folded up his son inside the stroller. At least not without his son’s written consent (which, by the way, an attorney keeps on file.)

Ultimately, this experience led to the discovery of more examples of warning labels aimed at those who would otherwise be eliminated through the Natural Selection process.

This first example was sent in by Phillip Rankin of Coral Springs, Fla., who cut out the following warning from a box of Band-Aids:

For serious injuries please seek medical attention

That’s good advice, everyone. At least until Band-Aid comes out with a super-absorbent “severed limb” option, preferably in the less obvious “skin-colored” tone that can be worn by people on the go.

This next example of impeding the Natural Selection process is from Wilma Pettig of Marrietta, Ga., who found this helpful warning on a box of nails:

Do not swallow nails; may cause irritation

And that’s just on the way down. Imagine how irritable you’ll be the next morning when they’re on the way out.

Here’s an example from a can of primer in my own home:

Do not spray contents into face

That’s right. If you seem to be going through a lot more paint than you expected (and your retina’s are primer gray) try flipping the nozzle the opposite direction.

And in case someone is still in danger of committing a fatal act of stupidity because they won’t take the time to read this, here are a few visual warnings which — unfortunately for the rest of us — might save your life:

Another good reason to avoid wire coat hangers…

If you've already swallowed that box of nails, this won't matter much.

If you’ve already swallowed that box of nails, this won’t matter much.

These next two could explain why wooded areas are less populated…

Because sometimes, deciding which end is not going to chew through your flesh is difficult.

Because sometimes, deciding which end of a chainsaw isn’t going to chew through your flesh is difficult.

Still, it's cheaper and faster than a vasectomy.

Still, it’s cheaper and faster than a vasectomy.

In case sudden death isn’t enough of a deterrent…

“F#$% THAT! I’ll touch the fence at the risk of dying, but I’m sure as HELL not going to pay $200 for it!”

Sadly, most people will burn themselves while trying to read about not burning themselves…

Simply put, coffee will hurt you. Period.

Simply put, coffee will hurt you.

And lastly, most of us here at LAP took the “reproductive” portion of health class more than once. Mostly because it showed boobs. So we’re kind of experts on the subject. Because of this, we can say with certaintly that Viagra is the cause of newborns, not the other way around…

If you newborn's erection lasts for more than four hours, he may have a future in porn

If you newborn’s erection lasts for more than four hours, he may have a future in porn

Good luck out there, everyone!

Oh, and don’t say you haven’t been warned…

Ned Final Author Box

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About Ned's Blog (35 Articles)
I've been a journalist and humor columnist at the Siuslaw News for 16 years. I'm also a volunteer firefighter. If the newspaper ever burns down, I will have some explaining to do. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

37 Comments on Warning labels could be impeding the Natural Selection process

  1. Sadly my eyes are primer grey….but so is my tongue! So that’s a plus!

    Like

  2. Hmmm…. that warning on the coffee cup is specific to coffee, which means that none of the warnings apply to hot tea…. also, not a peep about never trying to spray hot coffee into face or trying to stop hot coffee with your genitals…. Also, nothing about hot coffee and newborns…
    Basically, what I’m trying to say is that that coffee cup stil has great earnings potential.

    Like

  3. Thanks Ned! I am having my morning coffee as I read this and laughed out loud. I wasn’t aware this activity was so fraught with danger. I have put on my safety helmet. eye protection, steel toed boots and safety vest. Hope this will ameliorate the danger somewhat. Love the picture at the top of the piece with the worker lying in the street with a red lightning bolt protruding from his abdomen. Painful for sure. I used to haul nails and was not aware that they could disrupt the digestive system – thank you for that eye-opening information.

    Warnings like these are rampant in our society as we cater to the least bright amongst us. When I was the safety director for a gas tanker company I was responsible for training each new recruit in the rules and regulations of each of the fuel distribution centers from which we hauled petroleum. Suncor, a major Canadian oil company, had a 20 page safety manual that listed the policies and procedures for their loading terminal. At one point the manual had been updated and someone had cut and pasted information into a less than informative configuration.

    The page dealing with fire procedures in the loading racks finished with : “Any driver who catches on fire is required to STOP DROP And ROLL.” To which the update had added:
    “Failure to do so will result in immediate ejection from the terminal and suspension or possible termination of loading privileges.”

    When reviewing this section with new hires I impressed upon them that should they catch fire, and run screaming across the yard, they would be asked to leave and could possibly not be allowed back in -= at the very least until they had extinguished themselves.

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    • Paul, I never would have made it past the “In which order should you stop, drop and roll?” question…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Bwahahaha! they were anal about safety. At each loading rack there was a metal sign with a list of steps to take in case of a spill during loading. It was a very detailed 20 step procedure. I was at one loading rack and some one had used a permanent marker to add :

        Step #21: Proceed immediately to the Unemployment Insurance office.

        Liked by 1 person

      • Anal about safety…
        What kind of comnpany did you say you worked for?

        Like

      • Ha! It felt that way sometimes. Ha! They had so many rules that the rules contradicted the rules. They had a rule that trucks had to be shut off while drivers got their paperwork. Well, in the winter the windshields would be frosted and the brake pressure would be low. I showed them that and they made a rule that trucks had to remaining running to warm up while drivers got their paperwork. They didn’t repeal the rule that trucks had to be shut off at the same time as they were required to be running. Ha!

        Liked by 1 person

      • Ned – stop, drop, and roll is a well known phrase in the fire protection world.
        STOP running around screaming and waving your arms. It’s undignified and can scare the pigeons, who are patiently waiting for their human flambe to finish cooking.
        DROP to the ground. You’ll remind us of peaceful times watching the yule log burn in the fireplace, and we need that reflective peace sometimes.
        ROLL on the ground, as debris on the ground might stick to your burning flesh, and you can serve as a human lint brush, in a way.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. These are funny but unfortunately that hot coffee case was more serious than this spin on it: http://www.lectlaw.com/files/cur78.htm

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  5. One of my favorite warning labels are on hair dryers. WARNING: Do no use in the shower and my ultimate favorite. Do no use while sleeping!?? WTH? 😛

    Liked by 1 person

  6. You panzies. Only five ways to kill yourself or others with Irish Spring? Please.

    Also, I disagree with the nail warning. I eat nails for breakfast. They only cause irritation when I poop the barb wire later… technically, not the nails’ fault.

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  7. I do love warning signs. We saw one recently on an outdoor paved area near a shopping mall that said “Warning, ground may get wet when it rains.”

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  8. “Always remove child before folding”

    Oh for pity sake, [slaps head] I’ve been looking for the little tyke for hours…. Gotta go!!

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Could it be we have too many Lawyers? I think not. Warning: comment has no logic.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. I love these. Classic. I have to remember to hold the correct end of the chainsaw – that one always gets me.

    Like

  11. Since when is there a two cup limit on coffee? I thought that was the minimum!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Who knew how versatile chainsaws could be?

    Liked by 1 person

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