Children are our future and the choices they make today are a precursor to the America we will live in tomorrow. Therefore, I have decided to live blog the 2014 Nickelodeon Kid’s Choice Awards hosted by Marky Mark. I have never watched a Kid’s Choice Awards before, but I have seen the commercials for years thanks to the viewing habits of my two daughters. Every time some one gets slimmed on the show, I will do a shot of Jim Beam. Actually, every time some one doesn’t get slimmed I’ll do a shot of Maker’s Mark in honor of host Marky Mark.
7:45pm: Why did they schedule this to air at the exact same time as the friggin’ NCAA Tournament’s Sweet Sixteen games? Don’t they know my brackets are alive and I still have a shot at winning my pool?
7:50pm: Voting is still open on nick.com and my 6-year-old is already voting for all the wrong crap. STOP THAT! The Voice is not your favorite reality show, it’s Wipeout damnit! GIMME your iPad!
7:55pm: Sigh. So long basketball, hello Spongebob… really Nickelodeon, this is the lead in? Spongebob?
7:59pm: A character on Spongebob is doing an impersonation of Frank Booth from Blue Velvet.
8pm: The show begins! Some dude dressed as Blank Man (oh, his name is Todrick Hall. I’ll look up who he is later) is signing about Selena Gomez. We are not off to a good start. Holy moley, now he’s mashing in the song Timber.
8:02pm: A boy band (I guess?) who I’ve never heard of before is in the aisles rapping about the Kids Choice Awards in case anyone doesn’t realize where they are. I’ll look up who they are later.
8:03pm: Todrick Hall is now on a wrecking ball. Thankfully he’s is not nude.
8:04pm: Pharrell has acquired a new Arby’s hat. This one is green. He must have a closet full of them.
8:05pm: Marky Mark appears. Say hello to your mother for me. He is wearing a black t-shirt and slacks with neon yellow sneakers.
8:05pm: Chris Rock is in the front row!
8:05pm: Marky Mark mentions slime 300 times. He cockily tells us everyone is getting slimed but him. Mark then walks around while stagehands shoot slime at him. They miss. It’s all very staged. You ain’t fooling me Wahlberg!
8:07pm: Lea Michelle and LL Cool J are our first presenters. LL COOL J IS SHOUTING AT US FOR SOME REASON. The nominees for Favorite Funny Star are then ducked to us on duck calls via a video by the former frat boys of Duck Dynasty.
8:09pm: LL Cool J says “Jesus Christ” on a kid’s show as he unslimes the envelope containing the name of winner Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart is slightly taller than a Hobbit and he comes on stage with his two children to accept.
8:12pm: Shaun White is introduced to talk about which slime event was chosen by the children of America. Slime rodeo beats out slime bathtub races and slime obstacle course. Shaun runs off stage and Mark assures us that he is going to slime Shaun White into oblivion.
8:13pm: Mark tosses it to the “Mosh Pit” with Carlos Penavega and Zendaya. Who the hell are Carlos Penavega and Zendaya?! I will look up who they are later. They are also sitting down. Who sits down in a mosh pit? Anyway, Penavega and Zendaya are going to update us on stuff and are going to choose a kid to give out a trophy. They start randomly pointing at people.
8:17pm: We’re back. Marky Mark tosses it to Pharell Williams and Big Bang Theory’s Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting who wander around stage trying not to step in slime. Pharrell tells us he’s wearing his favorite Spongebob PJs. He looks like a banana but there is indeed a Spongebob logo on the back. Cuoco-Sweeting wants Wahlberg back out on stage and demands to know why he thinks he is going to avoid a sliming.
8:19pm: Marky Mark tells us he once tried to unsuccessfully slime himself and then steps away as Pharrell and Kelly gets slimed. If this is not staged then Wahlberg definitely paid off some people tonight. Kaley introduces the nominees for Favorite Female Singer which features people from the “orange carpet” singing along to the songs of the nominees. One of those people is The Hoff.
8:22pm: The winner is Selena Gomez who walks up and gives kisses and then rambles on about how this is awesome.
8:23pm: Former New York Giant Michael Strahan is introduced and walks up with Austin Mahone and Cody Simpson and informs us that one of them will lose their slime cherry live tonight. They look horrified. I’ve actually heard of Cody Simpson. I will look up who Austin Mahone is later. Strahan asks the kids of America to vote for which of these young men will get violated. Our choices are Austin, Cody, or both. Gee, I wonder if America will pick both?
8:25pm: We are back in the mosh pit with Debby Ryan and Tia Mowry Hardrict…I’ll look up who they are later. Wait a minute, what happened to Zendaya and Penavega? They’re done for the night? I thought they were going to update us and choose trophy kids. Anyway, our new non-moshers ask for everyone to take a selfie in unison just to stick it to Ellen.
8:30pm: Chris Rock and his daughter are our next presenters. He asks the audience if they’re ready for Grown Ups 3 and then makes them chant for a movie NO ONE WANTS TO HAPPEN. He introduces the nominees for Favorite TV Actress. Ariana Grande wins and walks on stage holding a purse because if she left it in her seat someone would steal all her drugs… oh my God, Rock is plugging Grown Ups 3 again. Stop. Please, Chris. Grande comes back to the podium and Chris forces her to stand there with her purse and award while he introduces Favorite TV Actor. Ross Lynch wins. I’ll look up who he is later.
8:36pm: Marky mark introduces America Ferrera who introduces Aloe Blacc who is going to sing Wake Me Up. I can not make fun of this because he’s The Man. Seriously. Aloe Blacc is awesome. Go download his album. I’ll wait. Ok? Good. Let’s continue.
8:43pm: Wahlberg introduces Will Arnett and Jenna Mays. They claim they are dressed as time travelers. They make several unfunny time travel jokes. Our next award is Favorite TV Show. Sam and Cat win which means Ariana Grande has to bring her purse back on stage which she does.
8:47pm: Former Nick star and current SNL funny man Kenan Thompson is on video introducing the first ever Lifetime Achievement Award from Nickelodean. Facepalm. It goes to Dan Schneider who apparently created every Nick original show ever. Former Nick stars flood the stage and the years have not been kind. Ouch. I hope they all get slimed. No such luck.
8:50pm: Dan Schneider comes on stage and I actually recognize him from the movie Good Burger (he played the owner of Good Burger). This has gone on forever. Apparently they do not play people off at the Kid’s Choice Awards…maybe they slime people off? Please, slime these people. Slime them now. SLIME THEM! Nobody gets slimed. DAMNIT!
8:53pm: Back to the mosh pit where no one moshes. Jake Short and Bella Thorne (I’ll look who they are later) are there. Bella gives a total of zero f**ks and recaps two awards that the band One Direction were awarded. The band thanks us from a pre-recorded video because they are in hiding.
9:00pm: Marky Mark is back with Optimus Prime on a video screen who tells Mark that “forces” are preparing to slime him. Those forces are Mark’s co-stars from Transformers 4 (holy shit, they made a fourth one!), Jack Reynor and Nicola Peltz. They stand behind a slime cannon while Mark plugs Transformers 4 again. They fire at Wahlberg and miss. Optimus reappears and slimes Reynor and Peltz. Wahlberg escapes again!
9:01pm: Captain America and Kristen Bell from Frozen are next. Captain America asks her if she wants to build a snowman, which is really inappropriate for a kid’s show. Via video Ryan Seacrest tells us the nominees for Favorite Movie Actor. Adam Sandler wins and I have now lost all hope for the future of America. Sandler accepts in his best Superman t-shirt and calls his brother a bed-wetter on live basic cable TV. He then references Bedtime Stories, a movie from six years ago and speaks in tongues. Not even Chris Rock knows what the hell is going on. For some reason 30 orange balls drop from the sky. WTF?!
9:04pm: We are back in the mosh pit with James Maslow and Peta Heavens To Murgatroyd. I’ll look up who they are later. They toss it to commercial.
9:09pm: We’re back and Marky Mark introduces Andy Samberg and actually drops a “say hello to your mother for me.” Samberg introduces David Blaine who only brought a deck of cards and is immediately slimed to death like he’s in Fist of the North Star. Seriously, they just killed David Blaine.
9:10pm: After we’re done witnessing the live murder of David Blaine, wrestlers the Bella Twins and Jon Cena are at the podium. Cena is yelling at us about noise. They introduce the nominees for Favorite Male Buttkicker. Iron Man wins because he is Iron Man. Duh. Anyway, Tony Stark walks on stage and gives the best speech of the night. He drops an Avengers 2 plug and tells us to kick life in the face.
9:14pm: Michael Strahan is back to announce that both Cody Simpson and Austin Mahone will be executed…I mean slimed, and then they are. It’s gross and Strahan tries not to slip in the aftermath as he throws it back to the mosh pit.
9:15pm: In the mosh pit are Sophia Grace, Kendall Schmidt, and Rosie. Sophia and Rosie are maybe 5 and 3 years old respectively and someone dressed them like Pepto Bismal. They are from Australia or someplace because their accents are thick as kangaroos. Rosie doesn’t blink and it’s so goddamn creepy I may have to stop this. I will not be looking up who they are later. Yeeeesh.
9:21pm: Jim Parsons is in Sheldon mode talking about the science of sliming at a white board. He slimes part of the audience like it’s a damn Gallagher concert. He promises more slime for the people who got seats safely out of the AoE, but then “Bazinga!” thems with a confetti shower instead. Suddenly, Queen Latifah is on the video screen introducing the nominees for Favorite Animated Movie. Frozen wins and Kristen Bell accepts presumably after Captain America snowmaned her backstage.
9:24pm: Wahlberg is back and introducing the slime rodeo. Shaun White is at an undisclosed location with two slime cowboys who are riding hoses spewing out slime. Shaun White tries to dodge but is indeed slimed into submission as Mark promised.
9:30pm: Mark is back and gives a shout out to his family. Kevin Hart is there with Mark’s kids who then betray their father by setting him up with a knock-knock joke and pressing a big button and sliming him with 800 gallons of snot.
9:32pm: Mark thanks everyone and introduces American Authors who sing Best Day of my Life. The lead singer of American Authors looks like Andrew Garfield’s older brother. There are bizarre Oompa Loompas on stage behind the band. I may be drunk. I don’t know. This all happened so fast.
9:36pm: They drop balloons like it is New Year’s Eve and roll credits.
9:39pm: I’m switching back to basketball.
R.I.P. David Blaine