Let us Band together and Eradicate the world from Spiders
Contrary to what many scientists believe, there are only two varieties of spiders in the world:
1.) fugging nasty spiders
2.) fugging nasty spiders with fur
Right now you should be wiping invisible spiders off of your leg. This is a healthy human reaction.
Let’s try one more test:
Right now you should be levitating above your chair, gagging, and wiping invisible spiders off of every square inch of you body.
If you passed both tests, congratulations. You have a healthy spider reflex.
Spiders are the sadistic psychopaths of the animal kingdom. They dazzle with intricate and beautifully crafted webs of all geometric shapes and sizes. That is until some unsuspecting flying tourist is violently wrapped into a cocoon of death, melted into a sticky sludge, and sucked into the stomach of one of these eight-legged demon freaks.
Finding one inside the house calls for an immediate plan of action:
1. The Discovery
Same reaction as walking into a public bathroom stall and discovering that the previous guest did not flush. It’s a mixture of horror, shock and disgust. The discoverer backs out of the area far enough to maintain visual contact and immediately calls for backup.
Witness #1: Eek! Save me!
Witness #2: What! What’s the matter! Is the house on fire?
Witness #1: There’s a spider in here!
Witness #2: Good. God. Well, looks like we won’t being using this room anymore. Lock the door and throw a towel under it while I grab the kerosene.
2. The Debate
Eradication is dependent upon the terms and conditions:
Witness #1: Kill it!
Witness #2: Hell no. You kill it.
Witness #1: I’m not going to bed until you kill it.
Witness #2: Fine. Don’t go to bed then.
Witness #1: I will divorce you if you don’t kill it.
Witness #2: Fine. Divorce me.
Witness #1: No sex for a month if you don’t kill it.
Witness #2: Ok, let’s not over-react here. Get me some toilet paper and a can of mace. I’ll wait here to make sure it doesn’t move.
3. The Hunt
The hunting procedure is like a scene from Predator. Sweat slowly drips down a concentrated brow. Silence. The breath slows. Vision becomes more acute.
Meanwhile, the spider is playing solitaire on the ceiling and wondering what all the commotion is about. It has no idea of its impending demise. It draws three and plays a Queen of spades. It shifts two of its eyes toward the man slowly moving closer. It draws three and plays a two of clubs.
The hunter holds a blow torch in one hand (just in case) and two rolls of wadded up toilet paper in the other hand. The hunted shifts slightly sensing danger. The hunter slowly inches toward the prey. The hunted quickly abandons its activity and little playing cards fly everywhere.
The hunter dives.
The hunted hits the ejector seat button.
The battlefield moves to the bed sheets.
4. The Retreat
This is the part where both parties retreat and draw up a revised battle plan. While the hunted is tunneling through cotton caverns, the hunters are jumping around brushing off their extremities as part of the cleansing ritual.
Witness #1: Where is it!
Witness #2: I think it hatched its babies all over me!
Witness #1: Stop, drop and roll! Stop, drop and roll!
5. The Capture
The hunter slowly inches toward the battle ground in a beekeeper suit and slowly peels back the layers of bed sheeting…
…and burns that mother to a crisp.
Go play cards somewhere else, you furry fugging bastard.
—–
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Only good spider is a dead spider 🙂
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PETA emailed me today by the way.
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Yes. That is the only reaction to spiders. Ever.
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Concurring.
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Spiders are our friends, they eat bugs, so gently pick up the little guy that’s in the house and gently place him/her outside. 🙂
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Spiders also sleep in your ear holes at night..
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You wouldn’t like my house then. I like spiders and their webs. Spiders eat flies (that try to land on you and your food). Spiders are shy and don’t try to buzz around my head. 🙂
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I almost drank one once on accident. Try that out and report back.
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I accidentally ate one. They’re rather bitter, and I doubt the spider enjoyed the experience.
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Hilarious !!!! 😀 😀
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Thank you!
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We catch and release spiders here too. Especially this time of year with the windows open, they can please eat the flies before they try to come in here.
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I catch and release more than I flush, but there are certain kinds that I just can’t risk having them do sprints around my hand. I don’t know what they are called, but they are as big as a quarter and they run as fast as I can walk, I shit you not.
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So what I’m getting here is to never approach a spider that you find in a Karate dojo. Got it.
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Yes.
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Exactly. I know most spiders eat annoying things like flies and other crawly shit. But I kill them anyway, because A) brown recluse and B) black widow.
Truckloads of nope.
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I think we have those brown reclubs here, but I’m not sure. Those are both not ones that I want to find in my shoe in any case.
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Nope squared.
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Aww. Honestly, I don’t mind spiders. I capture them in a cup and take them outside all the time. They just LOOK ooky.
I used to hate them. I remember waking my parents up in the middle of the night screaming because there was a spider on the ceiling. They thought I was getting murdered by the hillside strangler or something and ran in to the room in a panic. Man, were they pissed.
But at some point I just shifted and now I’m cool with the spideys. It’s all a state of mind. They’re just trying to survive.
Roaches, though. NOT WITH A 10-FOOT POLE.
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In our house, we have a bug/spider cup and paper set aside specifically to catch and release. They can just as easily serve their purpose outside of our house.
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Aww, I love that! You’re a good man, Calahan. 🙂
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My wife and I are both big saps.
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You mean you run from trees a lot?
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I found a hatch in progress once. There where fucking HUNDREDS of them crawling around on my lamp shade (thankfully not the one I put on my head when I’m drinking). What do you do then, huh?
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Honestly, I would take the lampshade off, then outside and shake them all off into a bush or similar temperatured environment. That’s just me, though.
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That sounds like way too much work, Ace Ventura. 😉
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You said 10 foot pole…
Look, no. There are certain situations where disposal is the only option. I will not bargain with a nasty fugging furry one to jump into a water glass. They don’t like being under a mobile glass unit, and they always find the little opening at the bottom before the toss.
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Oh, come on! Grow a 10-foot pole! (Sorry, had to.)
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The real poisonous spiders are the megacorps and megabanks with their lackey politicians whose web traps millions into subsistence standard of living.
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Well, yes. Those spiders too, Carl.
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My daughter declared to day that she would happily sacrifice our house to the world’s spiders as long as a) she never found one anywhere else ever again and b) she never had to return home.
Personally I’d rather donate someone else’s house. Maybe floridaborne’s?
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I’ll put you gals in touch. And then I will flee screaming and wiping my face.
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Great post as usual but not very nice sharing the moving photos of spiders.
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Pretty nasty, eh? The bottom one gives me the heeber jeebers!
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Yeah its so yucky my scalp started itching like when someone mentions nits, then shivers down my back.
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Stop nit-picking! (what’s a nit?)
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Oh hahaha head lice are called nits in New Zealand
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Oh man. Thankfully, I have never had a case. That is the absolute walk of shame in grade school. I’m remembering one poor little chicky right now..
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Yeah iv never had them but when ever someone mentions them I can’t help scratching my head
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Don’t touch my hat. Just in case. 🙂
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Bahahahaha sweet as
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I couldn’t have said it better myself. Spiders = NO!
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Your comment = yes
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My child takes care of all the spiders. I run from the room. That’s not my department.
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Mz Reese, which department exactly are you currently employed under?
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I’m Queen of the Castle, of course!
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Duh!
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I just got to the place to ignore mine and we can live in peace. Oh f*cking no. *angryface*
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I do that sometimes too and then I wake up with a earache the next morning. For some reason.
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I hope it doesn’t migrate to your head…oh no!
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Can’t…. Stop….wiping…imaginary???….spiders…off of me!!!
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Check your face. You missed one.
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omg the spider post!!!
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Yes!
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The only good spider is a DEAD spider. *shudders* Thanks so much for the nightmares I’ll have tonight… O_O (This WAS pretty good though!)
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Thanks, and you’re welcome \m/
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I. Hate. Spiders. I loved this post and hated it simultaneously.
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My work here is done.
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I remember years ago seeing a hairy spider on a wall (the hairs ALWAYS make ’em look more menacing…don’t ask me why). I grabbed a really thick catalogue ‘cos the thicker the book, the less chance you have of feeling any of the spider’s bodily parts. So, I proceeded to count to ten and when I reached ‘ten’, I had to start over because I was gripped by fear ‘n’ stuff. Meanwhile the spider froze, which made the whole incident such much more traumatic FOR ME. After two rounds of counting to ten, I still couldn’t squeeze the thing against the wall and ended up spraying it with hairspray until its legs stuck together and it solidified into a crusty hairy ball and dropped to the floor with a crispy thud. Yea, that’s how rock ‘n’ roll IAM 😉
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