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The Official Handshake Etiquette Guidebook

August 14, 2014 // 90 Comments

Shaking hands is a greeting ritual that dates back to the early Neolithic period.  Apparently somewhere around that time people decided it was more appropriate than licking someone’s face to acknowledge a clan member.  There’s your fun history fact for the day. This custom and its many variations have lead to some confusion after the [Click For More]

LAP’s Staff Contest Winner Pictures

July 14, 2014 // 37 Comments

Congratulations again to our contest winner, Catherine! She’s the author of the blog, Always a Redhead, and sole proprietor of the only Long Awkward Pause swag on the planet to date.  Well, that is unless there’s another Long Awkward Pause that we’re not aware of that is preparing to spank our butts with a copyright [Click For More]

The Saturday Six: Popular Brand Slogans Revised

June 21, 2014 // 23 Comments

Before the advent of marketing, there was a time when people lived in grass huts and ate acorns for breakfast.  It was a much simpler time back then, because people didn’t have to stand in line on Black Friday to buy TVs to watch Kim Kardashian. Instead, they drew pictures of her on rocks with sticks covered in animal dung. Nowadays [Click For More]

Long Awkward Pause Pop Quiz Winner Announced!

June 19, 2014 // 35 Comments

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Boy, placing an exclamation point after a contest announcement really hypes it up, eh?  Exclamation points add so much excitement!  Without one, the context completely changes. But enough of the grammar lessons, because [Click For More]

LAP’s 12 Step Guide to Assembling Cheap Furniture

May 27, 2014 // 83 Comments

Knowing how to assemble cheap furniture is an important domestic skill that is often overlooked today.  It’s not as valuable as learning how to iron out the perfect pleat, or how to remove alcohol-enriched vomit stains from your microsuede, but it’s up there. Please note that no matter what type of cheap furniture piece you decide [Click For More]

Talking in Circles with Circle Talkers

April 23, 2014 // 79 Comments

What’s up? It’s an easy question that should illicit a straightforward and immediate reply. In fact, “not much” would be adequate enough, because that would mean that the conversation is now over and we can all move on with our lives with a sense of closure in regard to the initial inquiry into your present state of affairs. Most normal [Click For More]

The Saturday Six: Hilarious Quotes by Famous Comedians

April 5, 2014 // 51 Comments

What makes you laugh? Besides internet cat videos? Besides farts? Besides someone with a heavy German accent pronouncing the phrase, “I would like to butter your biscuit.” What makes you roll on the floor laughing? Or ROTFLs? Maybe pajamas with the butt flap open? Or PJsWTBFOs? Maybe old ladies eating corn on the cob? Or OLECOTCs? [Click For More]

LAP Featured on WordPress News

April 1, 2014 // 10 Comments

In case you missed it: For the first time ever, this is not a spoof news announcement: The entire LAP cast was featured on WordPress News, so please join us for an insightful interview into the underworkings and underwears of of this marvelously disorganized humor mag of sorts! CLICK HERE to read the full interview We will also be offering a [Click For More]

The 12 Most Commonly Misinterpreted Road Signs

January 31, 2014 // 63 Comments

Road Signs can be tricky when passing at a high rate of speed.  Coffee and cell phone distractions don’t help either.  Here’s a handy guide to help avoid any confusion the next time you’re encountered with any of the following road or walking signs. 1.)  DESIGNATED STUNT-BIKING AREA Remember to wear a safety helmet where boobs [Click For More]

Lady Gaga Gets Devoured by Vanity Fair

January 6, 2014 // 39 Comments

One year ago today, the infamous beef-humping Lady Gaga graced the cover page of Vanity Fair.   *Cough..Putz* A non-reputable and overpaid media source heralds Gaga as one of the world’s most popular icons in Music and Fashion today, but poll studies show however, that the entire continent of Africa disagrees.   When asked, the same [Click For More]

Publicity Stunt

December 27, 2013 // 0 Comments

Originally posted on Breezy Books:
Christopher De Voss. Nice guy who writes some pretty cool stories and makes me laugh with his blog. I’m a fan since June of 2012. Are you wondering why I’m mentioning him, when I’m supposed to be yammering about Adam [Click For More]

Captcha-Cracking for Dummies

December 13, 2013 // 30 Comments

The topic of Internet Security is hotter than a pancake these days.  Hacker outbreaks are occurring now on almost a weekly basis, and every time it happens, everybody scrambles around changing all of their personal passwords from ‘password’ to ‘123456’.  Smooth move. Unfortunately, many online hosting sites feel very differently about [Click For More]

Thanksgiving 2013

November 28, 2013 // 13 Comments

From our family here at Long Awkward Pause, to your family where ever they may be: Happy Turkey Day! I’ve just been told that by saying Happy Turkey Day, instead of saying the traditional Happy Thanksgiving, we may have confused the people of the country of Turkey, whom actually do not have a day of celebration called Turkey Day. We mean no [Click For More]

Ask the Staff: A Question for Chowderhead

November 27, 2013 // 28 Comments

***** Occasionally we will get probing questions from our readers for the staff to answer. Occasionally we don’t. This could or could not be one of those occasions. You decide which. ***** Question for Chowderhead: Ok we had a question dropped in the box the other day that has be absolutely stumped.  The question comes from a dude by the name [Click For More]

Kiss’ Album ‘Destroyer’ Goes Platinum

November 11, 2013 // 30 Comments

Nov 11, 2013 On this day in Pop Culture History, KISS – the self-proclaimed biggest band in the world – propelled to the top of the rock charts, going platinum with their album Destroyer. Another equally notable event on this day worth mentioning:  Some kid in China farted. Twice. The immense popularity of this once controversial [Click For More]

Picture Prompt: While My Keytar Gently Weeps. In my Bed.

October 11, 2013 // 38 Comments

Chowderhead says: Before putting on my bifocals, I thought I was looking at a crash test dummy about to get scooped up by a tractor shovel: Man, I was way off. But that woulda been just as cool as learning how to play the piano..while the same time. If that were me laying in bed playing the piano, I’d get about three notes in [Click For More]

Long Awkward Pause Takes On The Picture Prompt

October 7, 2013 // 20 Comments

Howard Gantz, manager here. It’s hard to believe it’s October already! Christmas is less than 90 days away. You are welcome for that thought! We at Long Awkward Pause have a great October planned for you! Speaking of October, be sure to grab your tickets to the L.A.P. Annual Halloween Costume Party. This years event will be held at [Click For More]

The L.A.P. Tour Book Is Available!

September 17, 2013 // 29 Comments

Howard Gantz, Manager here! The long awaited Long Awkward Pause Official Photo Concert Tour Book For Dummies is on sale for a limited time! Pick up your yours today! There is only a limited number of copies available! Here is a small sampling of what you will find inside: Over 400 pages of photos and stories! Autographed copies available for an [Click For More]