The Official Handshake Etiquette Guidebook
Shaking hands is a greeting ritual that dates back to the early Neolithic period. Apparently somewhere around that time people decided it was more appropriate than licking someone’s face to acknowledge a clan member. There’s your fun history fact for the day.
This custom and its many variations have lead to some confusion after the advent of Instagram, but fret not! We have officially been commissioned by The International Handshaking and Other Hand Gestures Council to construct a brief quick-reference guide to hand-humping. It was a free gig. We take what we can get…
Below you’ll find a list of handshakes that are internationally recognized by the council. Please print this list and keep it for future reference in case you meet people not on Facebook.
1. The Double Embrace
This variation is an intimate one which involves a two-handed grab by one of the hand-shaking parties.
See below:
An extremely polite gesture until the ten second mark is reached. If the ten second mark is surpassed, the hand shaker is dropping a sexual hint.
See below again:
The Double Embrace is equivalent to placing your face next to somebody’s ear and softly blowing a Rod Stewart tune.
2. The Noodle Fingers
In the event that you find yourself hand-locked with a person whose fingers have the muscle density of wet spaghetti noodles, remove your hand and instruct them to lift more dumbbells and less Rubik’s Cubes. Shaking hands with a Noodle Fingers is like shaking hands with a toddler, or a gerbil.
Buck up. This is a time to match grips, not fondle raw eggs.
Don’t put yourself at risk for public humiliation and/or a broken hand. Especially if you find yourself matched with the next grip on our list.
3. The Vice Grip
Ok, UNCLE. UNCLE!!!
There are many complex ligaments and bones in the hands that make masturbation possible for both men and women. Don’t put somebody on a six month hiatus from that privilege. Use your gorilla-freak fists for something more practical like husking walnuts.
If the potential hand-shaking party is known to be a user of this cruel tactic, it’s socially acceptable to salute them instead. Or just pretend like you didn’t see them at the party.
4. The Curtsy Shake
What is this, fucking Colonial America?
5. The Four-Finger Zinger
Let’s try this again: when the webbings between pointer and thumb meet during the handshake, that’s the signal to close grips. The object of the game is not to see who can grab the other person’s fingers first. It’s a shady display of dominance. Counter this haughty hand-shaker with a stiff hand chop to the side of the neck.
“Oh, hey Mark, good to see– *PI YOW!*”
6. The Opposing Techniques Shuffle
It happens to the best of us: one party commits to the fist bump while the other is committed to a traditional grip. After the awkward mashing of incompatible hands, it’s customary for the two parties to then break into a quick game of Rock, Paper, What Fucking Handshake are we Doing Here?
Do not ever approach a casual handshake opportunity with some fancy street derivative, as this could delay the meet and greet and create a scene. Put your arm at a ninety degree angle, homie, and put ‘er there.
7. The Shwefty Lefty
Holy, um, what? Malfunction. Malfunction. Does not compute.
The only time a left-handed handshake is ever acceptable is if the right arm is broken or missing. Otherwise, what galaxy cluster do you park your space bike on?
This is a right-handed society and we’ll pretend that little mishap didn’t happen.
Baha. Haha.
Bonus Handshakes:
8. The Patty Cake Shake
Here we have a man who was raised by wolves taking part in his first hand shake tutorial. Sometimes it takes a couple tries. Nothing wrong with a little improvisation.
9. The Sloppy Seconds Shake
It’s kinda like watching the runt of the pack trying to find a free nipple.
10. The No Shakey Fakey
Eh, whatever. Wasn’t important.
Dick.
—–
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Reblogged this on Chowderhead and commented:
Everything you need to know about shaking hands. Seriously.
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I needed this. My greatest difficulty is knowing when to go into broshake mode and when to go straight shake mode. As I get older, assuming that I can still broshake whenever I want can be embarrassing if the person I’m shaking hands with goes old school because they assume I’m not cool enough to broshake. I end up with situation 6 which nobody wants, but is just another sad part of growing old.
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Oh man, a number 6 will sour your day. My buddy did that to me recently and I was like, Dude? What…what…why did you do that? Broshake is a keeper too. Thank you for that.
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When some guy gives me the “curtsy shake,” I counter with the “vice grip.” I think it’s so sexist, don’t you?
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I lick their faces…
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I don’t care what organ you have between your legs; if we’re shaking hands I expect a firm, fair shake. Way to put that sissy boy in his place.
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This is too funny, I’m going to be using some of these, to annoy the hell out of my siblings. Hehehe…;) Thanks!
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You’re welcome! Share it with every single person on your Facebook page. Awareness is key.
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Ok haha if you say so;)
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Reblogged this on Aftermath Of Lauren and commented:
Guys, check these out, you never know when they’ll come in handy…
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Thanks for the reblog, chick!
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No worries;) More posts like these, and my entire blog will be made up of you x
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Kickass, thanks!!
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This is hilarious! I never knew there were so many handshakes. I’m pretty sure of guilty of #5. Let’s try this again, shall we? I’m going to work on the patty cake shake just to annoy people.
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Thanks, Amy! When we meet (sometime before The Apocalypse) I expect big things from you. I’m not afraid to hand chop you if I have to 😉
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I was at a bar last weekend, and the bartender was this smokin hot guy. He introduced himself, so I reached out to shake his hand. He gave me a #4. I don’t hide my emotions well. He found me later and apologized for his pussified hand shake and then gave me a proper one, but still. He will never get past the curtsy. Ever.
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I like the way you handled the situation. That’s the way it should be handled. Did he try to kiss your hand?
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No. He just gave me a real handshake and told me he was embarrassed when he saw the look on my face. Like I said, I don’t hide my thoughts well. I guess “you’re a douchbag” was written all over my face.
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Are you calling me douchebag? Because if you are, we’re throwin’ down like, yesterday.
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It’s just like hand holding, Adam. Apparently, there’s a wrong way and a right way.
Wrong: http://i.imgur.com/cPVHmoa.jpg?1
Right: http://i.imgur.com/Sn6CZ4i.jpg?2?7670
See what I’m saying?
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1…2…3…4…I declare a thumb war..in order to make this hand hold correct. Do you guys even like each other?
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Actually, I’m being held hostage and this is my subliminal message to you….
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Oh snap! Hang on, count to a billion, and I’ll be there to save you! Don’t stop counting, Amy! Don’t stop counting!
Wait, for real? I’m low on gas right now, so I just wanna be sure and stuff.
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A billion? I’m not sure I can count that high. What then? Help!!!!!!
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Count to ten in German then! Without spitting!
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So what about ambiguous liquids or gels on the hands? I’d avoid licking someone’s face in that scenario.
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Rants, I would encourage it if given that scenario.
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Nobody likes sloppy seconds.
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Speak for yourself! Wait, no no! Where’s the edit button on this thing?
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Well unless the seconds are from my own previous meal… wait that’s a different thing.
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What kinda meal are we talkin’ about here? Just to be clear.
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too funny. but don’t laugh at lefties, we might smack you with our smudgy hands:-)
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I’m laughing hysTERically right now! Come at me, smudgy hands!
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when you least expect it, kid! 🙂
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Reblogged this on sed30's Blog and commented:
Always been fascinated by body language
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Thank you sir! I dig that shirt.
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The No Shakey Fakey was awesome. Haha!
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I couldn’t pass it up. I hate that shit..
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The #4 is permissible if your are not proficient in firearms and are still fighting with swords. Examples: Olympic fencing and saving a damsel in distress from a castle.
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Oh come on! I think it’s cheesy. You’re pulling my leg. I hope you’re pulling my leg. You’re pulling my leg, right?
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Nope. Fencers shake with their left hand.
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Men who build fences?
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No I am talking men of the blade, those who go Mano y Mano with nothing but cold steel in their hands. Those who practice the art of the foil, the épée, and the saber.
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Hey wait a minute…
…wasn’t that a Captain Morgan commercial?
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This. Is. Hilarious. Just this morning, the radio people came back from break. Over the break, guy sneezed into his hand, licked the goo and said, “Hmm, tastes like cheese puffs.” Girl then schools him in sneeze etiquette by giving him a tissue and telling him to blow, and next time sneeze into the tissue. She tells him not to come anywhere near her til he sanitizes himself. They start their banter and it turns ugly. He then offers a truce and invites her to shake his hand, and she almost does! Haha. She realized at the last minute and pulled her hand away. That was funny, but your post is hilarious.
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Thanks so much, chick! Sorry I’m late. I’m usually much more punctual than this, but I’m free now to banter if you so chose…
Your story is disgusto by the way, and I actually witnessed that in real life and still bring the story up to this day. My grandma took the grand kids (us) to some shady buffet for geriatrics once, and some dude sneezed all over his hand, then proceeded to lick his palm like an ice cream cone. It scarred me for like. The sneeze guard was the best thing ever invented. Buffets are the worst thing ever invented, and they cancel out, so no more buffets because booger stigma.
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EEW. I thought the guy was doing it for entertainment. Never thought it would happen in real life. Gross. Buffets are the worst. Sneeze guards are 100% foolproof aren’t they? Sneeze drops will never find their way through that gaping hole used to access food.
Another phrase that strikes fear is, “Let us now offer the sign of peace.” The priest says it in church and I’m always like a deer in the headlights when the person next to me extends hand.
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What does church mean?
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I live and work in an all female environment, where handshakes are much rarer than they are in the male world. I am glad of it. There is nothing more awkward than holding wobbling jelly in your hand, unsure of how tightly you should grasp it. After all, if you didn’t apply some force, all of its five fingers would slide out of your palm and splatter on the ground. How embarrassing would that be, to have your hand on the pavement instead of at the end of your arm?
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On the embarrassment scale, I would have to rate that somewhere between accidentally farting and getting pulled over for doing 10 under the speed limit. Do you remember Creepy Crawlers? Or is that totally not your generation?
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I am afraid I do not although the name is familiar! What are they?
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It was this jelly shit that you put into a mold of a bug. When it dried you had a gummy worm-looking thing to play with.
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I like it!
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What is there not to like about a poisonous gummy bug?
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This was hilarious, but let’s get real: it’s a serious issue! I never know what to do when meeting someone for the first time. Handshake? Hug? Or, my usual go-to, awkward wave from afar?
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Thanks, chick! And I’m being completely serious. This is something that our political candidates should be taking stances on. Hey, you ever do that hug/kiss on the cheek thing? God that can be weird. Nothing more awkward than burying your nose into somebody’s ear after committing last second.
See? Maybe we should just go back to licking each others faces to make it easy.
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I hate receiving handshake #1 it always takes a turn to “I want to molest you” type of move.
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Yup, pretty much. I got number one’d kinda recently. It felt like second base.
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Hilarious. Where’s my book already. More posts!
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Whatup, chick! Actually, I do have one in the works. I’m a prologue and three chapters in right now, but I’m spread thin at the moment. My goal is to have it first drafted by spring. So far, it’s funny as shit. I’ll prob start writing again too on Chowderhead once it gets cold because I fucking hate winter.
What you been up to? How’s the freelance biz?
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Hey! That sounds awesome. I can’t wait to buy the first SIGNED copy. Been busy…hustling with my photography. It’s going pretty well…so I’m pumped with that.
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Kickass! Officially famous. Imma swing by and check out what you been up to. Haven’t been on much lately. Keep in touch otherwise, C-Dub \m/
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Hilarious as usual 🙂
I say we all start sniffing butts like the canines do. So much less ambiguity.
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I like your idea! Here, let me smell yours real quick..
I’m gonna do some reading this weekend too. I need to catch up on your shenanigans. You..butt sniffing..banana….holder, you.
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Be careful, I had hummus for lunch…
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BaaaaaaaaaaaaaaRutal!
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It’s just far easier to give the person a bear hug. 🙂
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May I have a hug, celebrity contest winner?
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If we ever meet in person, certainly, else in the meantime, it will have to be one of those virtual hugs. ({})
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What is that little symbol that you drew there, Catherine?
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Reblogged this on Diary Incarnate and commented:
human nature cracks me up – Mr De Voss’ writing does too.
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Thanks for the reblog, chick!
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I was just double checking WHO wrote this – YOU or De Voss?
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I wrote it. But we can pretend Chris did if that gets us more brownie points, as I am a team player.
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I think it was Chris who said Brownie Points are for babies. I’m fixing this right now. This was damn funny Chowderhead. (So…I’m a chick – why do I feel the need to get on the back of a motorcycle now…? ) Have a good one!
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Say ten Hail Mary’s and do a double shot of Jäger and all shall be forgiven. And thanks! Glad you liked it. Now get on that bad motor scooter and ride \m/
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A client from a few years back had the vice grip of death. She (yes, I said she) was very small & petite so I was not prepared for the pain that was inflicted. I went home and iced my hand. The next meeting we had included several of my colleagues (all men). I made sure my hands were full as I greeted her and made the introductions. It was very entertaining watching as each man shook her hand and a little tear would form in the corner of their eye. Afterward they descended upon me with one question, “What’s with the handshake?!” Ahhhhh, the happy memories.
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Chiropractor?
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Marketing.
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Sales?
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So glad the council commissioned the right people to do this research. Your findings are incomparable. Eh, whatever. 🙂
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Thank you, sir. And thanks for the No Shakey Fakey 😉
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Shame the “swift kick in the testicles – now shake you bastard” doesn’t feature.
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Remind me to always shake your hand.
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Deal!
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I had the #6 handshake happen with a barber, recently. I went in for a normal handshake, he was going in for a bro-tastic, multi-layered shake that looked more like a slew of obscenities in sign language. Half-way through, I actually said, “Well, now it’s just awkward.”
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So soo sorry to hear about that, Mike. Are you a gif somewhere on the Internet now because of it?
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I wish.
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Gotta hand it to ya. Of course, more scientific research needs to be done on the racial and cultural influences. As an uncool white man, I’ve always had diificulty keeping up with Black guys – who seem to develop new and creative (convoluted) hand shakes in their sleep. Also, what about high fives? Fist bumps?
I trust you and Chris to continue your fine research into this important subject. Perhaps you could get a government reseach grant.
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