Issue #7 May 2014

The Saturday Six: Truth In Pinterest Boards

May 31, 2014 // 58 Comments

Pinterest used to be about knitting, cooking, inspirational quotations, kittens, puppies, weddings, makeup and fashion. That’s when women ruled the Pinterest boards and everything was rainbows and unicorns on rainbows. Men thought Pinterest was stupid and gay… and women and gay people were OK with that. “Let them think [Click For More]

LAP Investigates: The Ice Cream Shoppe

May 29, 2014 // 42 Comments

Here at LAP, we keep our finger on the pulse of all the latest controversies and sources of political discord. Perhaps the most significant and polarizing issue facing the modern world has come to a head recently, and in an unprecedented exposé, we’ve gone undercover at the very source of the conflict—no, not Ukraine—the local ice cream [Click For More]

Wrong Hands Comic: Bump On A Log

May 28, 2014 // 7 Comments

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________ —– MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE: Facebook: Long Awkward Pause Twitter: @LongAwkPause Podcast: iTunes or PodOmatic Would you like to see a topic discussed on L.A.P? [Click For More]

LAP’s 12 Step Guide to Assembling Cheap Furniture

May 27, 2014 // 83 Comments

Knowing how to assemble cheap furniture is an important domestic skill that is often overlooked today. It’s not as valuable as learning how to iron out the perfect pleat, or how to remove alcohol-enriched vomit stains from your microsuede, but it’s up there. Please note that no matter what type of cheap furniture piece you decide [Click For More]

The Saturday Six: The United States of What?

May 24, 2014 // 53 Comments

It’s no secret that the rest of the world is not all that fond of Americans; it’s somewhat rightly deserved. American’s are proud. We are even proud of things we should not be proud of, like the fact that we are #1 in obesity, or #1 in daytime talk show drivel, or even #1 in bacon memes. But to us, all that matters is that [Click For More]

Kevin Spacey Pays It Forward During a Nacho Bar Interview

May 23, 2014 // 45 Comments

Though known for being tight-lipped about his private life, earlier this month it became no secret Kevin Spacey loves Mexican food. So it was no surprise when the two-time ®Oscar winner chose to meet for our interview at a quiet table in the back of Casa de Papitas, or “House of Chips,” a Hollywood-area nacho bar nicknamed “The [Click For More]

Pat Sajak Overheats with Global Warming Tweet

May 21, 2014 // 55 Comments

What does Pat Sajak's tweet about global warming prove? That he doesn't know he's just Pat Sajak and that cough medicine is very strong. Also, this is the only thing you'll read all day that mentions Rolf Benirschke. [Click For More]

Introblurting: Raising the ‘Socially Awkward’ Bar

May 20, 2014 // 40 Comments

Everybody please put your hands together in party-clap fashion for today’s guest poster, Rachelle from A Rich Full Life In Spite Of It, as she dances her way down the Soul Train line and takes her place in front of the podium and hot-mic. *Feedback* Be sure to check her site out HERE, where Rachelle gives her humorous take on parenting, [Click For More]

The Strange Phenomenon of Drawing Creepy Children to Sell Food

May 19, 2014 // 22 Comments

Do you have children? Do you feed them? If you answered YES to both of these questions, then I have another one for you. When you feed your children; do they look like crazy, demon possessed, insane asylum patients? The Corporate America of yesteryear certainly felt that they did – as evidenced by many of the advertising [Click For More]

The Saturday Six: Photoshopping Sad Batman

May 17, 2014 // 39 Comments

It was announced that Ben Affleck was going to play Batman in the new movie: Batman vs. Superman. And the internet imploded…Rubix’s Cubes solved themselves…Zebras and Lions started dinning together…fruit cakes started selling in droves… No one wanted Ben Affleck to play Batman. Why? I don’t know. Ben can do [Click For More]

Should Ninjas Wear Fedoras?

May 16, 2014 // 24 Comments

Here at LAP, we like to consider ourselves good law-abiding citizens. Unless, of course, we are actually out having fun and not abiding by the law. All that aside, we have been intently following the story of recent mansion robberies in Southwest Florida. Not tensions in the Middle East or the deterioration of Social Security, but a bunch of [Click For More]

A Charming Interview With A Snake Whisperer

May 14, 2014 // 39 Comments

I hop into John Everhart’s van. No, he didn’t offer me candy. I kind of wished he did, because on the side of this particular van is a picture of John and a rather big, ugly Burmese Python. Over the picture in a font that probably predates the 1970’s is the moniker; John Everhart Snake Whisperer. The back of the van is hollowed [Click For More]

Divergent Star Shailene Woodley’s Shocking Confession

May 12, 2014 // 76 Comments

In a shocking confession that rocked the pop culture world, Shailene Woodley, star of the blockbuster film Divergent, revealed that she has suffered from a severe form of bodily disfigurement since childhood. The condition manifests with what many consider to be grotesque physical symptoms that include a slender physique, elongated limbs and a [Click For More]

In Honor of Mother’s Day: The “Forever Resentful Mother” Meme’s Greatest Hits

May 11, 2014 // 6 Comments

Forever Resentful Mother is a meme series featuring a photo of a middle-aged woman holding a glass of red wine with captions that portray her as emotionally manipulative and bitter about her children’s existence. The meme has been around since early 2012 when it first appeared on Reddit. In honor of all the mothers out there this Mother’s [Click For More]

The Saturday Six: Funny and Creative Business Card Designs

May 10, 2014 // 31 Comments

You know what you hardly see anymore nowadays? Those fishbowl things at the local restaurant that you drop your business card into and win a burrito or free gelato for a week. You know why? Because everyone’s information is online, which means people don’t need to carry business cards anymore. And do you know what has [Click For More]

Why Reed Richards of the Fantastic Four is the Biggest Dick Ever

May 9, 2014 // 44 Comments

The Marvel Universe is full of really, really smart people who then become super heroes. They are educated and empowered and use these amazing skills for the benefit of mankind – because that’s what you’re supposed to do with super-smarts and an iron suit made of weapons. By the way, all of these guys are insanely smart way before they [Click For More]

Over the Line Podcast #5 with Actor Tony Hale

May 7, 2014 // 5 Comments

On Today’s Show: Special Guest: Actor Tony Hale from Arrested Development and Veep. Tony Hale is best known for his role in the comedy series Arrested Development as Byron “Buster” Bluth. Currently he plays Gary Walsh, the sycophantic personal aide to the vice president of the United States on the HBO comedy Veep, for which he [Click For More]

Nerdboy Dating 101

May 5, 2014 // 62 Comments

Here at Long Awkward Pause, we noticed that our dating advice is skewed primarily toward the female side of our readership. Always wanting to avoid a lawsuit take care of our loyal readers, we decided to try a piece from a male point of view. Unfortunately, most of the staff who pee standing up were busy with the exception of one… Rants. [Click For More]

The Saturday Six: Weird Pictures

May 3, 2014 // 68 Comments

A parable: Once upon a time there lived a Fox. A very well spoken, very educated Fox. A Fox that enjoyed the finer things in life, like expensive wine, fast cars, barbecued turkey legs, and the opera. One day as the Fox was leaving for work in his 2014 Maserati Granturismo, he noticed that his neighbor, Black Bear was sitting on his porch step [Click For More]

Purging Facebook Friends: Psychological Warfare At Its Finest

May 2, 2014 // 50 Comments

Deep in the bunkers here at the Long Awkward Pause Command Post, we often receive emails from helpful readers who alert our crack team of investigative journalists to important breaking news stories. In accordance with our strict standards of journalistic integrity, we carefully review every submission, especially the ones that contain Starbucks [Click For More]