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Should Ninjas Wear Fedoras?

issue #7

Here at LAP, we like to consider ourselves good law-abiding citizens. Unless, of course, we are actually out having fun and not abiding by the law. All that aside, we have been intently following the story of recent mansion robberies in Southwest Florida. Not tensions in the Middle East or the deterioration of Social Security, but a bunch of multi-million dollar home invasions in the state shaped like a penis.


Because ninjas.

Before you think us shallow, let us give you yet another reason why we found this story so intoxicating:

Ninjas wearing fedoras.

We’d also like to point out there was a $26,000 reward being offered by the FBI for any information that would lead to the robbers. A cool 26 grand could certainly buy a lot of sock monkeys and Nutella.

Unfortunately for us, the trio of ninja robbers has recently been captured and our dreams of rolling around in chocolate have been dashed. However, that’s more than made up for in the comfort and knowledge that the streets of Collier County are once again safe from men who take fashion advice from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.

Let’s take a moment to focus on what’s truly important about this story. Some rich people were robbed. By ninjas. Wearing fedoras. At a time when the fedora has become the Ed Hardy of head ware, it only stands to reason that a fat ninja would don such an appropriate accessory.

But, we’d like to prove, once and for all, fedoras really aren’t that bad. Just look at all these influential people who chose to make a statement by flaunting the head piece made popular during Prohibition.

Popes have been wearing fedoras for years; you just didn’t know it. Pope Francis finally had the balls to wear one out in public. Just look at him, he’s even throwing gang signs. West SIIIIDE! Gangsta.

It’s easy to see why Pope Z would feel so comfortable donning a fedora considering the son of God started the trend about 2014 years ago. Pay attention the next time someone says smoking will kill ya.

One must admit, the commander in chief looks like he was born to wear a fedora. Anyone wanting to purchase this gingham fashion statement, let us know and we’ll be sure to work something out.

Dateline NBC’s Chris Hansen owns the monopoly on making pedophiles squirm. And with good reason. How intimidating must it be to be interrogated by a man wearing a peacock feather? Why don’t you take a seat…

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer. That’s one bad ginger.

RIP, Corey Haim. The Oscars may have forgotten about him during their annual memoriam but we certainly haven’t. The Academy clearly never watched The Lost Boys. Corey was the subject for most of the shitty poetry written during the 80s by prepubescent love-struck 13-year-old girls.

Not wanting to leave out the ladies, here’s Tina Fey. That’s one bad bitch, right there. She doesn’t even take off her fedora to shave. Here’s to hoping for a Tiny Fey/Chuck Norris lovechild sometime in the near future.

So the next time you’re dashing out of the house, go ahead and grab your coat and fedora. Don’t think of greedy ninjas. Instead, think of Tina, making out with Chuck, and making a baby.

**Special thanks to Chowderhead for his amazing photographic editing skillz.



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About missmelisamae (5 Articles)
Miss Melisa Mae is an avid fan of anything Chuck Norris and vodka. If she could meet Chuck Norris while drinking vodka, all the better. She has a B.A. in B.S. and likes referring to herself in the third person because it makes her feel special. Her mother may or may not have dropped her as a baby.

23 Comments on Should Ninjas Wear Fedoras?

  1. Hahahah!
    Love it!


  2. We might go to hell for this.


  3. Now if only the hipsters would leave this classic piece of headwear the fuck alone. Nothing ironic about fedoras. Nice to see Dope Pope Daddy F with a fedora, since as you point out, Jesus wore one too. No idea why the church removed fedoras from dogma… unless hipsters.


  4. Likely this is a more serious response than you would ever want – but alas it’s the internet so I can say anything right? Okay, here’s my randomness for today: I kind of pine for the days when people wore hats…namely whatever time period they wore top hats, or whatever level hat is slightly less pretentious than a top hat. Regardless of the exact style and history (I am no scholar by any means), I think it would be neat in a way. I was at an art show last year and another artist actually sold these sorts of hats, like top hats with a cool, even steampunk, vibe to them and I don’t know, just something about them. Now if I bought something like that I’d likely be put in a home or contacted by my wife’s attorney, but I like to dream of a time, or maybe a dim fall evening in the woods whereby a guy like me could wear a hat like that. There is just something about the formality, confidence or authority good headgear commands.

    For the record though, I have no designer to wear a fedora. I’m not sure that hat commands anything save for ridicule, sorrow and suspicion.


    • missmelisamae // May 16, 2014 at 5:46 pm //

      In all honesty, I actually like fedoras. However, in this day and age they have come to be inexplicably tied to a culture not nearly as dignified as when they were first introduced. Long gone are the days when men (and women) would dress to impress. *Le sigh


  5. That made me laugh out loud, especially the big B.O. in his colorful hat!


  6. Ninjas in fedora hats! The things I learn on LAP! I had no idea this was going on. Ha ha. They must like the Crouching Tiger, no doubt about it. And Tina Fey rocks the fedora. She always looks good.


  7. I think they caught the wrong guys, because that dude in the surveillance footage is clearly Justin Timberlake.


  8. What about the tennis player Roger Fedora?


  9. Csagohan // May 18, 2014 at 3:46 pm //

    Why not a 4/20 smoke weed erryday doobie in the hands of jesus?


  10. Sadly, I still love the fedora and continue to wear one. Of course I would never look as spiffy as Tina Fey.
    Are you kidding me about Corey Haim? The Oscars did not include him? Lost Boys remains one of my all time favourite movies. I have it on VHS, 2 DVDs and 2 CDs of the soundtrack. Did I mention I love that movie?


  11. Tina Fey really rocks that close-shaven look. I need to know how she does it. Maybe I’ll buy myself a fedora too.


  12. Reblogged this on the "Amazing" Life of an Invisible Teenager and commented:
    Again Ninjas and Fedoras what could go wrong?!


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