LAP’s 12 Step Guide to Assembling Cheap Furniture

Knowing how to assemble cheap furniture is an important domestic skill that is often overlooked today.  It’s not as valuable as learning how to iron out the perfect pleat, or how to remove alcohol-enriched vomit stains from your microsuede, but it’s up there.

Please note that no matter what type of cheap furniture piece you decide to purchase, the assembly procedure will always require a minimum of 12 steps.  If you follow this how-to guide accurately, the procedure should end up being a complete pain in the ass.  That’s how you’ll know you did it right.

Estimated time to complete average assembly: 7 hours – 2 weeks.
Level of competency required: none – very little.

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Preassembly

After you’ve made your purchase, begin the preassembly stage by lugging the piece of shit into your living room, making sure to damage any walls and/or casual bystanders within close proximity to your box.  Be sure to lift the piece with your back, not your legs.

Inside, you will notice that the contents of your box have been carefully packaged by either a NASA engineer, or Jesus Christ, as they are the only two people capable of bending the laws of physics, making it possible to fit a sofa into a box the size of a microwave. 

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Begin Assembly

We are now ready to begin assembly.  Please do not skip any steps.

Step 1:  

Remove all parts from box and pretend to take inventory.  Use fictional furniture jargon while pre-fitting parts, and comment on the hue and type of wood the furniture is made of.  Make reference to a distant family member or friend that is good at woodcrafting.   

Step 2:

Unfold the assembly diagram and run a pointed finger along part assembly map to indicate deep thought and concentration is taking place.  After studying diagram for 15 minutes, turn part assembly map over and begin reading English interpretation.  

Step 3:  

Determine how many beers will be required to complete assembly.  If your estimated required beer amount exceeds current stock, you will need to purchase more beer.  

Step 4:

A.)  Insert Steely Dan CD into player.
B.)  Hit ‘play’ button.  
C.)  Adjust volume to ‘ambient’ setting.

Furniture assembly workshop seen in photo above.  Note:  no cheap furniture pieces are featured in this particular workshop photo, but the ambient lighting part was done correctly.

Step 5:

Locate packages containing screws, nuts, and bolts.  Do not use scissors while attempting to open the package, as this will only oversimplify the procedure.  To open package, firmly grasp both ends with clenched fists and violently rip apart.  You will need to lose at least one screw, nut, or bolt before continuing to the next step.  

Step 6:

A.)  Organize pieces on the floor from largest to smallest.  
B.)  Take picture of organized parts layout.
C.)  Post photo to Facebook along with caption.

Step 7:

Practice putting furniture piece together by assembling incorrectly.  During this step, accidentally break at least one piece found on the parts inventory list.  

Step 8:

A.)  Remove Steely Dan CD from disk player
B.)  Turn stereo to “off” mode.

Step 9:

Disassemble piece and organize parts again from smallest to largest.  If any parts were broken during the trial assembly step, fuck em.  Revise assembly diagram with black Sharpie pen taking into account the parts that will no longer be available for use.

Step 10:

Take a chips and salsa break.  

Step 11:

Begin assembling furniture piece again.  Note:  misplace Allen wrench minimum of three times while tightening fasteners during this step.  Do not overtighten fasteners.  Under-tightening fasteners will insure that furniture piece will remain unstable, thus requiring multiple future re-tightening procedures.  In the event that fasteners need retightening, return to this step.   

Step 12:

When repackaging your item, use clear packaging tape.  Avoid duct tape, twine, or hot glue.  When asked by customer service return specialist the reason for returning the item, indicate that it was the incorrect hue.  Request money back and do not accept an in-store credit.  If an in-store credit is issued, use the credit to buy Advil and vodka.  If in-store credit is used to buy another piece of shit furniture, begin this tutorial again starting at preassembly stage.

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