satire

10 New Major Endorsements Won By Donald Trump

February 19, 2016 // 9 Comments

Last week, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign had received a major boost when in a public appearance, former vice-presidential candidate and TV personality Sarah Palin went on raving and incoherent rant about Donald Trump and America, which most experts agreed constituted an endorsement of Donald Trump’s candidacy for president. But [Click For More]

So….Got Any Big Plans for the Weekend?

February 12, 2016 // 7 Comments

You almost forgot again, didn’t you? Well, never mind, you’ve just got time. Stop what you’re doing, before it’s too late. Clear your schedule. Have you taken care of dinner? Are you wearing the right clothes? Be sure that you’ve carefully set the mood, down to the last detail. You can’t afford to screw this [Click For More]

Ode to Mountain Dew

February 8, 2016 // 13 Comments

According to Wikipedia, in 1940 two Tennessee beverage bottlers named Barney and Ally Hartman invented the formula for Mountain Dew. Below is my tribute to those two fine men: I walked into the 7-11 and quickly made my way to the back of the store where the drink coolers are located. Immediately, I could see it staring back at me. The [Click For More]

See? We don’t know what Taco Bell’s new menu item is either

February 5, 2016 // 26 Comments

There are certain perks that come with being a syndicated columnist. For example, just last month at the Oregon Plumbling Convention, I was honored with delivering the opening plunge in the Northwest Clogged Commode competition. In terms of prestige, this is like ringing the opening bell at the New York Stock Exchange. At least in the competitive [Click For More]

LAP chews fat with Surgeon General about obesity problem

January 29, 2016 // 40 Comments

Like many of you, I’ll never forget where I was when I heard the shocking news that obesity had officially become the No. 1 preventable health crisis in the nation. In fact, I can even tell you which super-sized meal I was eating. With millions of Americans resolved to lose weight for the New Year, now is the perfect time for us to [Click For More]

Eclectic; A Hipster Conversation

January 22, 2016 // 14 Comments

byline: Jude the Hipster Eclectic; a hipster conversation From the Merriam Webster online dictionary- ECLECTIC: (n) one who uses a method or approach that is composed of elements drawn from various sources; one who uses an eclectic method or approach. For the most part, people who use the term “eclectic” really piss me off. Generally, people [Click For More]

Men That Cannot Get Laid

January 18, 2016 // 23 Comments

Have you ever met a straight man and thought to yourself…hmmmmmmmmmmm the only vagina you have ever seen was the one that you gave you life? The reason why they are not dating, or having any sort of a sexual relationship with a woman is because they lack communication skills. Period. End of story. Some men just do not get the concept of how to [Click For More]

2016: We Aren’t Potty Trained

January 14, 2016 // 11 Comments

2015 has come and is gone the way of anyone’s intestines after a two-hour long Indian food fest: down the drain, hopefully without the help of a plunger or a plumber. Let me further this metaphor, and I apologize ahead of time if you are currently eating. Let’s imagine that each year represents a pair of underwear in America’s [Click For More]

Handmade Is The New Sexy

January 11, 2016 // 13 Comments

We all received that special gift this past holiday. The one that someone close to you formed out of earthly elements or with wool sheared from an exotic animal. Exotic to you if you’ve never been closer to a sheep than the ones on your onesie your husband bought you as a joke but that you secretly love because it’s got a poop shoot. [Click For More]

Canada turns to LAP to broker peace with U.S.

January 7, 2016 // 36 Comments

Special Report ALBERTA, Canada — In an unprecedented move aimed at easing tensions between the U.S. and Canada following Justin Bieber’s request for permanent U.S. citizenship, Canadian officials have agreed to what they are calling a “mutually offensive [Click For More]

General Tso, who are you?

January 4, 2016 // 7 Comments

General Tso, who are you? Wikepedia describes you as a general who lived in Xiangyin during the 1800’s, yet the dish named after you was never eaten there, nor anywhere else near your city. What gives General? Who are you General? The world wants to know. The “chef’s special” wants to know. The mall food court wants to know who you are. I [Click For More]

LAP TV: Yelp Reviews!

December 28, 2015 // 5 Comments

This is the first episode of this series; it will definitely get better. I am still learning about writing comedic material, and shooting. So bear with me, but this first episode focuses on Yelp and some reviews that were a bit over the top. There will be more episodes soon to follow. This initial episode focuses on Denny’s. I hope you enjoy [Click For More]

Comedy Throwback: Who The Comedians Of Today Remind Me Of

December 22, 2015 // 5 Comments

Sometimes it’s fun to play stupid games like, “Who is the Richard Pryor of today?” So why not? But, before we get into this, I want to make it clear that I’m not trying to argue that any of these modern comedians are on par with the legends I am comparing them to. Nor am I saying they’ve necessarily been influenced by them, [Click For More]

How to prepare yourself for seeng ‘The Force Awakens’

December 18, 2015 // 9 Comments

Last night I was among those relative few who, either through luck or Jedi mind trick, got to see the premier of what is arguably the biggest release in movie history. And by “arguably” I mean we could argue about it, but you would be wrong. Should you continue to argue, I will have a Wookie pull your arms out of their sockets. While [Click For More]

‘The Force’ will be strong with one staff member sooner than others

December 17, 2015 // 7 Comments

By this time tomorrow, one of the staff members here at LAP will be cooler than the rest. Except for Brainrants. No one is cooler than ‘Rants. Mostly because you can leave off half his name and it still sounds cool. Try that with the rest of us and the result sounds like someone grunting in the bathroom stall next to you: [Click For More]

A vote for me is a vote for anyone but Trump

December 6, 2015 // 21 Comments

For those of you who have been following me in my pursuit of “Performer of the Year” in the A Star is Born competition at The Public Blogger, then you know I’ve made the Final Four! *sound of old dog stretching* If you haven’t been following because you’ve had more important things to do, such as working on your [Click For More]

Your Thanksgiving questions answered by Mr. Knowitall

November 19, 2015 // 20 Comments

It’s been 395 years since that first Thanksgiving, when the Pilgrims and Wampanoag Indians sat down together in celebration and, much like the Americans of today, made a solemn vow not to eat more than your standard bull elk. We know this because of a passage recently discovered in the diary of Pilgrim Edward Winslow, who described the first [Click For More]

Are the only sexy politicians the ones on TV?

November 12, 2015 // 23 Comments

When television entered the American mainstream, it was hailed as a miracle of the modern age. With the flick of a switch, we were connected to the world around us and it was a good thing. Just ask Martha. Decades later and television is now so much more than sitcoms and the nightly news. It’s a babysitter for our children. It’s an [Click For More]

How to Use Social Media Without Irritating the F*ck Out of Everyone

November 3, 2015 // 27 Comments

I admit it. I was digital-stalking someone. In fact, I was stalking him so hard, I spit out my oatmeal. It landed on my computer screen and slid down from his Twitter follower number that had jumped from under two hundred to over five thousand since the day before. My stalkee had bought fake followers and I was livid! There are people you stalk [Click For More]

Social Saturdays Volume Six

October 31, 2015 // 10 Comments

Welcome to another installment of: Social Saturdays! This is where we find out what the staff members of Long Awkward Pause are Tweeting, Facebooking, Instragraming, MySpacing, Ebaying, Emailing, Halloweening, and whatever else they maybe doing instead of writing articles. You are probably following most of them anyway…and if you’re [Click For More]