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A vote for me is a vote for anyone but Trump

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For those of you who have been following me in my pursuit of “Performer of the Year” in the A Star is Born competition at The Public Blogger, then you know I’ve made the Final Four!

*sound of old dog stretching*

If you haven’t been following because you’ve had more important things to do, such as working on your Chewbacca impression, I understand.

Shame on you.

Although with Star Wars less than two weeks a way, I really do understand.

To bring you up to speed, the competition has entered its 49th week.

Ok, it’s actually week 7, but it FEELS like 49. Or at least I feel like 49. Probably because I am. Which I usually don’t. But lately my back has been bothering me and I think there’s a growth near my… oh wait, I think that’s actually supposed to be there.

Whew! I’m feeling better already!

Anyway, the theme for this week’s challenge is “Collaboration.” Had this been a porn award, things would’ve been a lot easier. However, we were only allowed to choose from a select group of artists — writers, photograhers, recording artists, poets, competitive porn knitters — to collaborate with on a piece being presented during tonight’s round of competition.

After careful consideration, I decided the best thing to do was to keep things as simple as possible by 1) Establishing a new political party, and 2) Running for the Presidency.

Because I’m a decisive deciderer, I quickly chose my vice-presidential runningmate, the hilarious and spritely Stephanie Lewis (aka, Little Miss Menopause), and 7th Born Productions recording artist Kendrick Merk Nichelson as my Minister of Hip-Hop.

Because not only do we want our new Dempublican Party to address the issues, we also want to sound really cool while doing it.

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So all this week we have been campaigning, spreading the news about our political platform and building strong, grassroots support. Especially in my home state of Oregon where, thanks to legalized marijuana, “grassroots” has an entirely different meaning. If you’d like to follow the campaign, possibly because you are with Homeland Security, you can do so on my Facebook page, where there are more inspirational promotional ads and updates from the campaign trail like this one…

 

 

Are you sick of politics as usual? Do you like bacon? Does the sight of Donald Trump give you the kind of gas you normally only get after eating an entire Taco Bell Big Box dinner? Has there ever been a moment when you thought you may have moved an objet with your mind? Have you ever kissed a puppy?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, then I hope you’ll give me your support tonight when voting in round 7 of “Performer of the Year” opens tonight at 7 p.m. You can go to The Public Blogger, or follow me on my Facebook page, where the link will be posted tonight once it goes live. I will also be posting updates throughout the day and a prompt this evening once voting begins. (Polls close tomorrow at 10 a.m.)

If neither of those options fits your lifestyle, feel free to leave your address in the comments below and I’ll be happy to drive by and shout “VOTING HAS OPENED!!” from a megaphone.

In all seriousness, even if you don’t vote for me, I hope you’ll take the time to vote for someone and help determine the final three.

But remember, I do have bacon. Just saying…

(And I’d also like to say, Thank You!)

— Ned

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About Ned's Blog (35 Articles)
I've been a journalist and humor columnist at the Siuslaw News for 16 years. I'm also a volunteer firefighter. If the newspaper ever burns down, I will have some explaining to do. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

21 Comments on A vote for me is a vote for anyone but Trump

  1. When the polls open, i will vote for you. This was a hilarious opening to Sunday.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Moderation?

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Though you’re the first candidate who’s promised anything bacon-related, I’ll wait for the fact-check on your claim of “I’m a decisive decider.” That’s my decision.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Oh great, now all media is going to be filled with Ned’s ads…. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Wow, you didnt’ pick me to collaborate with, it’s because I’m Canadian, right, or is it the bacon conundrum?

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Can you offer “Ned on a Megaphone” as an ongoing subscription service? I think my neighbors would get a kick out of my new wake-up call every morning. Voting for JUST you tonight at 7!!!! Who cares about your boring brunette runningmate–she’s such a drag.

    Liked by 1 person

  7. The Donald will respond with a Tweet that will knock you off your perch.

    Liked by 1 person

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