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‘The Force’ will be strong with one staff member sooner than others

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By this time tomorrow, one of the staff members here at LAP will be cooler than the rest. Except for Brainrants. No one is cooler than ‘Rants. Mostly because you can leave off half his name and it still sounds cool. Try that with the rest of us and the result sounds like someone grunting in the bathroom stall next to you:

“Awari!”

“Geish!”

“Ogdram!”

“Ned!”

However, Ned doesn’t care. In fact, Ned is referring to himself in the third person for this post to show how much he doesn’t care. Why? Because tonight, while everyone else is lying awake wondering if Luke Skywalker is actually the new villian with the candelabra-style lightsaber in the Star Wars trailers, and if so does that mean Jewish people have more midiclorians than the rest of us, Ned will have the answer to that burning question and more.

Like how do Wookies reproduce when they don’t appear to have any sex organs? And at his age, has Han Solo become one of those old people you hate to get stuck behind because he flys so slow you can’t make the jump to lightspeed?

Ned will have these answers because at 7 p.m. (PST) tonight, he will be sitting in the movie theater and likely getting poked in the head with a plastic lightsaber by an overzealous fan during a special advanced screening of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens.”

We’re not sure how he did it. Or even if it’s legal. But there are two things we DO know:

First, when he comes into the office tomorrow, he will go from looking like this…

Brainrants may be cool, but he still makes horrible coffee

Brainrants may be cool, but he still makes horrible coffee

… to looking like this

There will be no living with him after this. Especially if he keeps swinging that lightsaber around

There will be no living with him after this. Especially if he keeps swinging that lightsaber around

The other thing we know is that he will be gloating giving us a special report on his experience tomorrow morning here at LAP. We promise it won’t have any spoilers. Unless aging Wookies develop a problem with sagging sex organs, in which case he’ll be obligated to at least warn us. Especially for those planning to watch the movie in 3D.

In the meantime, whether you’re right next door or in a galaxy far, far away, May the Force Be With You.

Unless it’s the police force.


 

 

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About Ned's Blog (35 Articles)
I've been a journalist and humor columnist at the Siuslaw News for 16 years. I'm also a volunteer firefighter. If the newspaper ever burns down, I will have some explaining to do. I'm married to the perfect woman, have four great kids, and a tenuous grip on my sanity...

7 Comments on ‘The Force’ will be strong with one staff member sooner than others

  1. For a minute I thought this post was about viagra… you know, “force,” “strong,” and “staff.”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I don’t think Wookies have sex organs. No characters in PG-13 rated movies are allowed to have them.

    Liked by 1 person

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