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Nerdboy Dating 101

issue #7

Here at Long Awkward Pause, we noticed that our dating advice is skewed primarily toward the female side of our readership. Always wanting to avoid a lawsuit take care of our loyal readers, we decided to try a piece from a male point of view. Unfortunately, most of the staff who pee standing up were busy with the exception of one… Rants.  He agreed to stop whittling bullets out of scrap iron to take on this challenge.

Long ago when records were made of vinyl, socially-awkward men were banished to a lonely existence after being stamped with the ‘nerd’ label. In this dim time, the biggest challenge in dating came down to remembering to push your glasses up with the non-lotioned hand.

nerdglasses

Thanks in part to changing social forces and possibly an assist from the hipster movement, Nerdboys now have a chance of getting lucky in a way that involves another human being. For the purposes of this article, that includes showing your junk on a webcam. To another human being.

First of all, the modern Nerdboy needs to know what to avoid. Since nerdhood became cool, there are increasing instances of ruthless emasculators preying on unsuspecting Nerdboys. Their kind are identified by being popular, successful, and far beyond the league of the target nerd. Do not fall for the overt sexuality. Resist the power of the boobs. Before you know it, she’ll lure you to her meat locker and let you know she intends to sodomize you with a rubber chicken. After that, you might as well change your name to ‘Gimp’ and love your storage box.

beautifulwoman

The more appropriate partner for the modern Nerdboy is someone who appreciates the subtleties of your nerdiness. Try relating that time you saved your AP Physics project in high school but totaled your car doing so. An enthusiastic response about an event in her band camp means you’re probably good to go.

Don’t brag about how many lines of code your can crank out in one hour. Instead, engage your intended partner in a gentle debate about which programming language is best. Tossing out statements like, “I usually code in HTML, but I’m really starting to appreciate getting into open-source Python projects.” That will make you appear open-minded and deep.

computer

Keep in mind your date might not pursue the same obscure things you do. You should attempt to show that you’re well-read by asking what she likes. Be prepared to discuss the various and sometimes-conflicting manifestations of String Theory and the implications of a multiverse. You can memorize Neil DeGrasse Tyson quotes, but make sure you understand what they mean!

At some point, if you’ve played your cards right, you’ll arrive at the point where actual physical contact happens. Ideally, you’ll let your partner be at ease in her place. Keep in mind, your underwear might undermine your claim to nerdhood, so make sure those tight, white hi-rise Jockeys are immaculate.

Nobody who lives in their mom’s basement – and therefore enjoys her expert approach to laundry – could possibly have skid marks. Better to confess to being a fully-functional adult than perpetrate a lie just to see her custom-modded gaming tower with its overclocked, water-cooled CPU and graphics accelerator.

laundry

Don’t forget to practice safe sex, and keep in mind that the average male refractory period is 30 minutes, so shrug off that premature shot and keep trying. Good luck and happy hunting!

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About BrainRants (31 Articles)
A former career Soldier and hired gun, BrainRants has been angry everywhere. Known for his bubbly personality and ill-formed thoughts, he's elevated swearing to an art form. Famous for being as blunt as a 2x4 straight to the teeth. Bacon lover, beer expert and inventor of new words. Occasionally pens Sci Fi and Military Thrillers.

62 Comments on Nerdboy Dating 101

  1. Lol, you should make one for geeks next!

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  2. I read somewhere that friendship is formed when one human being says to another, ‘You too? I thought I was the only one!’ Perhaps this is the way that loves works also. I hope that all nerds will find happiness as they discover that their lady loves also have a love of Adobe file converter programs.

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  3. Coding in HTML is hot; not closing tags is not. Shows a lack of attention to detail.

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  4. Hey, take your own advice, Nerdboy!

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  5. “I usually code in HTML, but I’m really starting to appreciate getting into open-source Python projects.” – yes, this is a good line. Any reference to large snakes is a plus.

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  6. 30 minutes, eh? God I’ll really like to be testing that theory!

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  7. Tax, title and licensing by state law; some objects appear bigger in mirrors; subject to change; price may vary; shipping and handling not included; men suck.

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  8. An open-source Python project did you say? I’m feeling hot!

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  9. Willy Nilly // May 6, 2014 at 12:48 am //

    Sadly, my first experience was machine language. I had no GUI or IDE, but there were lots of pops and pokes and then the inevitable com-pile. It was erotic, all that memory addressing, one address at a time. I had to know my and, nand, and nor gates or I didn’t get to first base. Sometimes we tried to hit the same address hole at the same time and our 1K of memory didn’t play that way so we were rejected outright. Nope, there was no force of free will in those days. You played it serial in and serial out. Duplex was for the rich kids with no sense and lots of mainframe time. Those were heady dayz and we liked it that way. I still have a pair of birth control glasses (BCG’s). You know, the ones with the wide plastic frame and small thick lenses every Army private had to wear to break down his or her self esteem so they could be molded into a killer supply clerk. Now I use them to solder with by shining a 1 million candlewatt light source through them onto the circuit card or plumbing pipes. I couldn’t part with them so I had to find a way to repurpose them. Thanks for your post Rants. It brought back a lot of memories. Mostly the ones I thought I’d finally forgotten.

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  10. It occurred to me that people like Bill Gates and programs like “Big Bang Theory” have done a lot to improve the love life of nerds. Of course that was before “Tarnished” pointed out there is a difference between Nerds & Geeks. Now I have to go read that so I am qualified to figure out which category they belong in.

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  11. So THAT’S why I couldn’t get Nerdboys to date me in high school; they were afraid of my rubber chicken! For the record, the Captain of the Football team loved it.

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