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The End of the World Tastes Like Mac ‘n’ Cheese

Posted on April 23, 2015 by BrainRants in BrainRants, Humor, Issue #18 April 2015, News // 147 Comments

Because all of the Long Awkward Pause readers are smart, savvy and don’t live under rocks (except for a guy named Hogan from Idaho), you by now know that the iconic food staple of American Obesity Childhood will change.  Yes, Mac and Cheese will shift from the nuclear sunset orange color we all know and love to something more… natural.  As if nuclear winters aren’t natural.

Credit: babble.com

Credit: babble.com

Food producer giant Kraft (who was not asked for comment on this shallow example of reportage) announced they’ll switch from the day-glo orange made of possibly-carcinogenic dyes and chemicals to something natural.  Of note, ‘natural’ is their word, not mine.  I think Yellow #5 and #7 are natural too.  We make them, just like we make poop, MSG and high fructose corn syrup.

macaroni-and-cheese

“Clear” Mac and Cheese

Right now, Howard the Manager is under his desk in the fetal position, soaking in a puddle of his own urine.  While Howard isn’t the most together grown man in the universe, his reaction is a harbinger of things to come.

In a brief poll around the LAP office, everyone agreed that M’n’C (Mac and Cheese) should be bright, bright orange.  We also agreed that we gave not one single damn about that food babe person who claims she caused this, but we did agree that claiming responsibility for ending the world as we know it is pretty much stupid.  I didn’t bother calling Coca Cola either, but I’m guessing their executives are sitting around making Pearl Harbor jokes and laughing about Kraft’s move right now.

With that science out of the way, here’s why we know this move by Kraft will end the world: kids.  Yes, the messy, screaming, adorable little feces-factories we all love so much.  Several staffers here shuddered at the implications of Kraft’s move in light of their kids’ reactions.

I have witnessed a two-year-old embed a sippy cup in drywall because the mac and cheese presented was made with spiral mac, not the bendy elbows.  Even subsequent attempts with Spongebob-mac were summarily rejected at high velocity.

Katie related a rumor of an Oregon woman who actually died after her daughter shrieked on a frequency that liquefied her brain and rid five counties of all the resident dogs.  The child was presented with homemade mac and cheese.  You know, the kind made with actual cheese.

Omaswarian, who’s as bad-ass as anyone, got really quiet and started mumbling something about finding some weapons.

Chris started tearing up and stuck his lip out, but we all pointed at Howard and he kept it together.  Nobody wants to be like Howard.

Ned called in to say he’d be late.  Apparently, he heard the news on the way to work and had the bright idea to stock up on the real deal mac and cheese while it lasts.  We heard screams and gunfire in the background.  “Gotta go,” he said, “It’s getting sporty here at Walmart.”

mac

I had about 500 more words of spotless humor for you, but I hear evacuation sirens…

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About BrainRants (31 Articles)
A former career Soldier and hired gun, BrainRants has been angry everywhere. Known for his bubbly personality and ill-formed thoughts, he's elevated swearing to an art form. Famous for being as blunt as a 2x4 straight to the teeth. Bacon lover, beer expert and inventor of new words. Occasionally pens Sci Fi and Military Thrillers.

118 Comments on The End of the World Tastes Like Mac ‘n’ Cheese

  1. roxellamay // April 23, 2015 at 7:11 am //

    Hah!! Awesome piece!

    Like

  2. grannyK // April 23, 2015 at 7:35 am //

    Well, I have never liked that yucky stuff! I prefer homemade! Yes, I said it and I meant it! HA! But, this is a funny post lol

    Like

  3. AlwaysARedhead // April 23, 2015 at 9:00 am //

    The packaging has gotten smaller, the noodles have gotten smaller, now they are screwing with the colour. When will it all end?

    Like

  4. H.E. ELLIS // April 23, 2015 at 9:10 am //

    I think liquor stores (or “Packies” as the Lord intended), need to have an aisle for all the defunct foods of our youth so that we may buy these “hazardous” products as adults. I’d give anything to have a Reggie Bar.

    Like

  5. stephaniejrathgeber // April 23, 2015 at 10:15 am //

    Reblogged this on Mrs. Rathgeber's Electronic Notebook and commented:
    Read and Respond for FRIDAY, April 24th! What are your thoughts on this childhood staple going “natural?”

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Christopher De Voss // April 23, 2015 at 10:38 am //

    I love mac and cheese. Baked mac and cheese. Fried mac and cheese. Microwaved mac and cheese…but Kraft needs to take a lesson from Pepsi Clear. Don’t do it.

    Like

  7. bcharris96 // April 23, 2015 at 11:50 am //

    This is terrible news. I have been a fan of kraft mac and cheese since i can remember. Its a shame a fraction of people who eat it have to ruin the fun for everyone. Do they really think obese people who eat their mac and cheese are obese because of the mac and cheese? I doubt it. Im sure its just a side item for their even bigger entree.

    Like

  8. gluestickmum // April 23, 2015 at 2:27 pm //

    I’ve never liked mac n cheese, but now realise it was because I was always served yellow stuff – y’know, made with actual cheese – and was thus WRONG. Now, come the apocalypse, I shall never appreciate why we’re fighting.

    Like

  10. ddupre315 // April 23, 2015 at 5:54 pm //

    Just a warning for you all, I wasn’t served Kraft Mac n Cheese as a child. ‘Nuff said?

    Like

  11. 1jaded1 // April 23, 2015 at 11:37 pm //

    Well, since i do live under a rock, I didn’t hear this til now. Now I gotta go take the grocery stores. Kraft is the only MnC nieces and nephews will eat. It won’t be long until Kraft goes back to what worked. The dollar shrieks, just like that little kid.

    Like

  12. mchsdgordon // April 24, 2015 at 11:06 am //

    I feel that they could have more cheese in Kraft products and it could be one of the reasons for obesity. I feel that they should change the way they make there cheese and go with more natural cheese. (honestly i don”t care i just put that there because its for a grade. )

    Liked by 1 person

  13. madisonallye // April 24, 2015 at 11:09 am //

    I feel that Mac ‘n’ Cheese needs to be bright orange. It appeals kids, adults, and teenagers. Changing the color of the product is not going to make it any healthier. Kraft is not the reason for child obesity. It is supposed to be orange!

    Liked by 2 people

  14. livweaver4 // April 24, 2015 at 11:09 am //

    I think that this is absolutely crazy. MAC AND CHEESE THAT IS NOT ORANGE?!?!? I don’t like the fact that Kraft is not going to be the same color and consistency. If Kraft Mac and Cheese changes to a more natural approach, the price will go up. Also, kids are really going to hate this. Kids are extremely picky about the way their food look. If Kraft changes the way their Mac and Cheese looks it will be really hard to get children to eat it.

    Liked by 1 person

  15. abbynicole21 // April 24, 2015 at 11:12 am //

    I don’t think that they should change anything about it. One reason being the more they change it and use more real products the more expensive it will be. I understand the weight issue with kids but it’s not just the mac and cheese’s fault. There are several different foods that need to be changed to begin with. If people want to complain about child obesity then everything needs to be changed not just one food item.

    Liked by 1 person

  16. reederxzaiviar // April 24, 2015 at 11:12 am //

    I think it is cool that Kraft is choosing to go organic after being lit up. I love your Kraft but somethings have to change. I mean why not change. Keep consumers health and they’ll keep giving your profit. It should be business 101.

    Liked by 1 person

  17. 16klmetcalf // April 24, 2015 at 11:12 am //

    I loved Kraft mac ‘n’ cheese when I was a kid. I think they shouldn’t change the color at all. Kraft mac ‘n’ cheese should stay the same way it is. If it became more natural, the cost would increase and the taste would change. Also, no kid would want to eat the more ‘natural’ Kraft mac ‘n’ cheese.

    Liked by 1 person

  18. gabquintanilla // April 24, 2015 at 11:12 am //

    Mac’n’Cheese should stay the same. Kids love Kraft Mac’n’Cheese so much that they can tell the difference between it and any other kind. They should just put more real cheese in Kraft then there wouldn’t be a problem.

    Liked by 1 person

  19. leaharned // April 24, 2015 at 11:17 am //

    Why! Why would they do this? If America wanted a different mac’n’cheese we would ask our selfs. we want our m’n’c the way we want it. I feel Kraft might go out of business from this. I mean, the kids are the ones who want this M’n’C not the adults. If the kids don’t want it the parents won’t buy it. It is as simple as that.

    Liked by 1 person

  20. pgalvezalfonso // April 24, 2015 at 11:20 am //

    I honestly have never liked Ma c’n’ Cheese. It might be because I am used to more ‘’natural’’ flavors and not to that artificial taste. It tastes like plastic to me. In Spain we also eat pre-cooked food, but really rarely. That is the reason why kids and teenager are way healthier in Europe. When I came here I was shocked about all the overweigh kids of six or seven years old that I saw . They definitely should change that. Some people say they wouldn’t eat those new Mac ’n’ cheese flavors because it won’t be the same. That’s because they are not used to REAL flavors. If they would start eating more natural food then, they will not like that ‘’plastic-artificial food’’.

    Liked by 2 people

  21. 16jfmayo // April 24, 2015 at 11:21 am //

    I feel like you should have two versions. One healthy, one not as healthy. Not everyone needs to loose weight. Even if they were to change it, I think kraft would loose a lot of business because it wouldn’t taste as good. Society needs to loose weight, but do it in an appropriate way.

    Like

  22. changhenry // April 24, 2015 at 11:25 am //

    Well, I would say spare Mac & Cheese. But, people need to know the real color of it. Whether to buy or not, depends on the consumers. People want to be healthy, don’t buy it. People who can’t resist it, go buy it.

    Liked by 1 person

  23. 23cole // April 24, 2015 at 11:28 am //

    I think that if you change the color of Mac ‘n’ Cheese it’ll change more than the taste. It changes peoples views and opinions about it. It won’t look as appetizing as it used to. Looks do matter when it comes to kids and food. The color of food is not the reason for obesity.

    Liked by 1 person

  24. holidaymasa // April 24, 2015 at 11:32 am //

    I think that’s what we have to change about food in the U.S. Children’s food effect on their future so it is so important. If it’s bad for us, we have to change their food and don’t try to buy them. We don’t have to buy awful taste and quality food for kids if we know that it’s bad for our health. We got choices so we must change.

    Liked by 2 people

  25. Ned's Blog // April 24, 2015 at 2:31 pm //

    Sorry I’m late! I just got back from Walmart and had to smuggle my 10 cases of Mac n’ Cheese past the neighbors. They’ve turned the tree house in their back yard into a guard tower. I had to wait until Timmy, their 7-year-old, was on patrol. He has vision problems. Anyway, I’ll bring the stash into the LAP office on Monday. I’ll have to lay low until then. I’ve made our garage look like a meth house so it won’t draw attention to the Mac n’ Cheese. You better apprreciate this, Brainrants!!

    Liked by 2 people

  26. 15drdarnell // April 24, 2015 at 2:50 pm //

    I think that even though they are only changing the color, peoples opinions and thoughts about mac n cheese will change. I believe a lot of people will stop buying it because it doesn’t look as appetizing, and looks definitely matter to kids.

    Like

  27. 15bmmedley // April 24, 2015 at 3:03 pm //

    I don’t like it. Mac ‘n’ Cheese is suppose to taste cheesy and fattening. It is way better that way. Mac ‘n’ Cheese is considered a food group in my household. And after seeing that article I would not eat the new Mac ‘n’ Cheese.

    Like

  28. briannanewton // April 24, 2015 at 3:29 pm //

    I think it’s cool and an awesome change. There’s nothing wrong with it. It should be an amazing conversation starter for when everyone is around the table eating. It’s good that they are going natural so that it is healthier for us and I’m pretty sure that it saves on a good amount of money.

    Liked by 1 person

  29. 303973m // April 24, 2015 at 3:35 pm //

    No more Mac & Cheese is stupid. Its a bunch of tasty little noodles. I want to keep enjoying Mac & Cheese and I want my kids to enjoy it to. They need to ignore all of the little fat kids and see all the skinny kids out there. Then they will see we aren’t all obese and we all can keep enjoying Mac & Cheese.

    Like

  30. 16jmdennison // April 24, 2015 at 3:37 pm //

    I would have to say one thing. WHY?! Mac and Cheese, is yellow. It’s a fact. A FACT!!! I mean, I could go onto a raging tirade about multiple facets of the mac and cheese coloring, the economical standpoint of the mac and cheese color changing, etc, etc. I mean, some day, I might be looking at my future kids, and they’ll be eating white mac and cheese. WHITE, Mac and Cheese.

    In summation, I don’t care if america is feeding us junk filled crap, it’s our junk filled crap for pete’s sake! Next thing you know they’ll be replacing tons of snack brands which I happen to be a fan of- OH WAIT.

    Like

  31. Lizzie Moore // April 24, 2015 at 3:37 pm //

    I understand that would be healthier but, it might change the flavor of the mac ‘n’ cheese. That might effect the business side of the company. If children don’t like it, then their parents won’t buy it for them. Even adults eat this type of food and that might decrease the audience it is towards. It would be a good idea to test with different age groups to see if it will work out for the company.

    Liked by 1 person

  32. evanmhayden // April 24, 2015 at 3:37 pm //

    I don’t like the idea of taking away mac n cheese as we know it. Not only will it taste different but it wouldn’t look the same. Even if it’s healthier, I think a lot of people will stop eating it. I know I won’t be eating it anymore. I think that they should keep it the way it is, the way it has been forever now.

    Like

  33. kgarner217 // April 24, 2015 at 3:41 pm //

    If they want to change it then there’s nothing we can do about it. It doesn’t matter what we think about it. It probably won’t taste as good, and they probably know this. This is probably the result of some other unrelated event. They’re probably just trying to save their corporate image. When big businesses get their financial security threatened they will do anything to save it.

    Like

  34. 16hemcclain // April 24, 2015 at 3:43 pm //

    In my opinion, I think that the Mac and Cheese recipe is good as it is. The orangey, yellowey coloring of the “cheese” is I’m sure chemical filled, but obviously people don’t care. Over the years children, adults and pretty much anyone, everywhere have fallen in love with the current Mac and Cheese recipe. I believe that they if they want to change things completely then they need to keep the old one also. This is because if they did this then people would have a choice of the good, old, regular kind or the “natural” kind.

    Like

  35. Seth Day // April 24, 2015 at 3:46 pm //

    this is a terrible idea, i love it just the way it is made now. i love the color yellow. it taste so good. it breaks my heart that my kids won’t be able to eat this.i loved the spongebob shaped mac and cheese. it was the best.

    Like

  36. amandaxpham // April 24, 2015 at 3:47 pm //

    Many people usually eat things that look good even though it’s not healthy. Kraft Mac ‘N’ Cheese had always looked the same having that creamy golden cheesy color. Now that they’re are wanting to change there ingredients to an more natural ingredients. It’s now changing the ways it looks and that is going to have many customers drop Kraft Mac “n” cheese. I don’t like that they’re changing it. Now our childhood is not the same and we now can’t share it with the next generation.

    Like

  37. dariusdillard25773258m // April 24, 2015 at 3:48 pm //

    i would not like the change because i want my kid to get the same kind of food i did as a kid i would hait to have the things i like as a kidd taking away

    Like

  38. calahan // April 24, 2015 at 5:19 pm //

    Does that mean that the orange Cheetoh’s stains on my finger tips isn’t natural? And when I then rub those fingers through my hair, is it not giving me a natural wave?

    Like

    • BrainRants // April 24, 2015 at 9:53 pm //

      That orange awesome does all that and more. In case your doctor didn’t mention it, you should not consume the awesome orange cheese along with Viagra… you know, four hours and such.

      Like

  39. dreamlanddancing // April 24, 2015 at 6:35 pm //

    Absolutely…it should be the official side dish at the Restaurant at the End of the Universe.
    Chazz Vincent

    Like

  40. brookesalsman1 // April 27, 2015 at 11:06 am //

    I’ve always liked me some mac and cheese. I’d have to taste this new natural stuff to see if I’d like it. If it tastes completely different from the original, chances are I will not. But, if it’s that much healthier, it’s okay with me. I would like to see the reactions out of people if this happened. Protesters lining the streets around the Kraft company, signs that say, “GMOs? More like that GOES… in my mac and cheese!” and “Real cheese is real dumb.”

    Like

  41. bigbird5252 // April 27, 2015 at 1:32 pm //

    i thank this change is going to end up making the mac n cheese company go bankrupt. I think they should keep it the same.

    Like

  42. shankle777 // April 27, 2015 at 1:38 pm //

    I guess from all the kids that eat mac n cheese.In the world to try to fill the holes in their life with cheese food.From all the social depressing all their is to. Do drowning in a bowl of mac n cheese.So enjoy to all the cheeses people.#chesses

    Like

  43. hannahsgreen15 // April 27, 2015 at 1:38 pm //

    I personally think that they should not change the color of the Mac n cheese. The Mac n cheese has been around for awhile now and that’s what everyone is used too. They are known for the taste and now that they change the color, the taste will probably change. I don’t understand why the have changed so much in the year.

    Like

  44. 16cmtucker // April 27, 2015 at 3:24 pm //

    i’ve never really liked mac ‘n’ cheese. Kraft can change the color and go organic. If the people don’t like it they won’t buy it and kraft will have to go back or go bankrupt. I don’t think as many people will buy it. Either way there are other mac ‘n’ cheese brands.

    Like

  45. BrainRants // April 27, 2015 at 4:01 pm //

    There is a pretty broad selection.

    Like

  46. willyumm // April 27, 2015 at 4:05 pm //

    I think it is bologna that they would change the color and taste of mac N cheese. It is part of american history. Everyone has had mac N cheese in there life. I know that I have had it in my life and remains a strong favorite food since childhood. Changing the receipt is a disaster to the future generations that won’t get the same joy I have had.

    Like

  47. gabquintanilla // May 1, 2015 at 10:49 am //

    Mac’n’Cheese should stay the same. Kids love Kraft Mac’n’Cheese so much that they can tell the difference between it and any other kind. They should just put more real cheese in Kraft then there wouldn’t be a problem.

    Like

  48. changhenry // May 1, 2015 at 10:51 am //

    Well, I would say spare Mac & Cheese. But, people need to know the real color of it. Whether to buy or not, depends on the consumers. People want to be healthy, don’t buy it. People who can’t resist it, go buy it.

    Like

  49. Marie // May 1, 2015 at 10:53 am //

    I’ve never really ate mac and cheese before I came here. Mac and cheese are not that popular in other countries and many people don’t like it and would never feed it to their kids because its just cheese and noodles. The combination out of just these two components is not very nutritious. If you want your kid to be healthy and not too fat you shouldn’t feed your kid that stuff all the time. In my opinion it doesn’t matter if its “real” cheese or not it stays very unhealthy and not a food you should feed your kid often….

    Like

  50. geforrester // May 1, 2015 at 10:54 am //

    I have been a fan of kraft mac and cheese since i can remember. Its a shame a fraction of people who eat it have to ruin the fun for everyone. Do they really think obese people who eat their mac and cheese are obese because of the mac and cheese? Im sure its just a side item for their even bigger entree.

    Like

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