Inventive Excuses To Not Go To Work

Every now and then life conspires against us and causes uncontrollable events.  These events intersect our lives in a way that can have very real job consequences.  In these sphincter-tightening moments, it helps to have a solid repertoire

of explanations ready that will keep you employed.  Sometimes, you have to creatively engineer events.  Here at LAP, chickens and eggs are one and the same.  Most of the time, they’re both cooked.

MINOR ILLNESS – Credible proof and delivery are crucial to this excuse.  Depending on your employer, you may have to provide proof.  If so, carry a trash bag in your trunk with vomit-soiled pants.  When your job interferes with your nightlife, this can be virtually automatic.  For the especially daring, pants soiled with other bodily products will shut down all doubt in the mind of even the most overbearing boss.  Downside: you might become the next Lindsay Lohan.

SEX – Your age, marital status, and relative attractiveness may determine how effective this line will be.  After that, predict your boss’ reaction to “So I was (phrase describing a sex act) with this totally hot (guy/girl/RealDoll) and, you know, you just can’t up and stop…because sex.”  The risk in using this excuse is that your important project or tardiness will be forgotten in light of the pending sexual harassment termination action against you.  Lawsuits are a huge cock-block, so to speak.

MY BOSS ATE MY PROJECT – Only utter these words to your senior report – your boss’ boss.  Going over someone’s head in management carries risk, so judgment and nuance are important.  Also, this excuse has to be structured so that your boss can’t confirm or deny that he did, in fact, consume your project.  You have to leave a trail of bread crumbs, so to speak, and they have to lead to your boss.

MY PROJECT ATE MY BOSS – This ruse only works in certain lines of work.  If you’re re-creating dinosaurs on a remote island, go ahead.  Some animal-handling jobs qualify as well, such as Deputy Tiger Feeder or Gorilla Inseminator.  On the downside – again – this excuse only will work when provided to your senior report.  The upside is that you might just be promoted.

PANDEMIC – With a bit of creativity and situational awareness, you can create an ironclad excuse without the need to back up your claim.  Be advised, you have to play on the fears of others, so you have to know the headlines.  H1N1 won’t work anymore.  Neither will Polio.  These days, even AIDS has worn thin.  Go big early: “I have *sniff*… ebola… *hack*… I’m slipping the report in the… *gag, cough* envelope now…oh, man, my eyes are freaking bleeding.”  Nobody will want you or your report in the office for at least two weeks.

Try these at your own risk.  Just because this shit flies around the LAP office is no guarantee it will work in yours.

—–

MORE PLACES TO FIND LONG AWKWARD PAUSE:

Facebook: Long Awkward Pause

Twitter: @LongAwkPause

Tumblr: Long Awkward Pause Mag

Podcast: iTunes or PodOmatic

Would you like to see a topic discussed on LAP?  Click HERE.