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The Saturday Six: R-Rated Children’s Books?

 saturday 6

The bed time story…

A tradition that is fading fast. Now instead of the bedtime story being read by an ever-tired parent, it’s usually the TV or an iPhone that lulls the child into a deep, deep, slumber.

That’s pretty sad.

We at Long Awkward Pause are working on an app that will read children’s stories for you, kind of combing the old world traditions with the new world ADHD inducing devices. You can even pick which voice you would like it read to your child:

1) Wheezing Grandpa

2) Drunk Mom

3) Squeaky Teen Babysitter

4) Sad Dad

5) Oxygen Tank Grandma

Why, you ask, would we do this?

Because Long Awkward Pause cares…we care about your children and we care about making money.

The app costs $1.29.

Happy Saturday!



Ned: The companion book, “Mommy Has Funny Toys” was especially helpful for those of us with single moms.

Chris: I liked the other book in this series, “Is that strange man my new Daddy?” It had 23 sequels.

Calahan: Mommy’s moaning because she’s a g-g-g-ghost! Your low grades, your being last picked for the baseball game at school, all of those things caused mommy to die of shame.

Jack: And what is that weird buzzing sound?

singlegirlie: Probably because Daddy didn’t take out the trash like he said he would. AGAIN.

Katie: Why Is Mommy Moaning? sold a lot more copies than the subsequent, What’s That Berenstain?

Chowderhead:  Mommy has another naughty migraine.



Ned: I believe this book is in most prison libraries.

Calahan: Wait, I think I get the joke. Some people don’t know how to properly toss salad, creating an improper balance and dispersement of vegetables. Ha ha! Too funny.

singlegirlie: I ask myself this question every night. *Sigh*

Chowderhead:  Another phrase from Junior High that I still use today…



Ned: If your child’s dentist has this book in the waiting room, it could be a red flag.

Calahan: If Ned’s childhood dentist had this in his waiting room, well, Ned may need some counseling. It’s not your fault, Ned. Not. Your. Fault.

Omawarisan: “OK, you’re clear, but I’m concerned about your PSA levels.”

singlegirlie: Those TSA agents look a little too happy to look for stuff in that kid’s butt.

Katie: But at least it’s ages 6 and up!



Ned: Thanks to this book, my kids still think Picasso was a crackhead.

Calahan: Children learn to employ proper Feng Shui when decorating their homes entirely in rotted food and soiled mattresses.

Jack: A slight upgrade from the RV that meth leased.

Katie: Sorry, Jan Thompson Dicks, but this is not your best illustration work. (Also, sorry the word “dicks” is part of your name.)

Chowderhead:  Let’s talk about art for a second.  Somebody please explain to me how one can look at a sketch of a triangle and extract from it the artist’s inner turmoil and conflicting thoughts about one’s true sexual nature?  I see a boy with a broken neck here, touching the butt of a woman with a broken neck, and they are both about to be hit by a lightening bolt.  This is why artists are starving.  Bubblegum on a stick is not art, and this is bubblegum on a stick.  Let’s draw a line between art and “Hey, nice drawing, kid.  I’ll put it on the fridge until I clean the house tomorrow.”



Ned: Never ever reach into Grandpa’s pocket for a nightcrawler or bobber.

Chris: I just want to know what Grandpa is “cupping”?

Calahan: By not intervening, that pervy little frog is equally culpable in this NAMBLA dream fest.

Jack: Aside from the obvious horrible crimes being committed here, they should also lock up whoever gave him that haircut.

singlegirlie: On the bright side, Harpo looks completely toothless so I bet he gives a mean hummer.

Katie: HARPO. OPRAH. Think about it.



Ned: My mom wrote her own subhead, And you’re bad an awful lot.

Calahan: And when mommy drinks, she’s oh-so bad. And, apparently, devoid of solid forearms or femurs.

singlegirlie: Seriously, all children should read this book. Little fuckers need to know the truth.

Jack: I also loved the sequel, “No More Wire Hangers!”

Katie: “Quality Religious Books for Children.”



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Twitter: @LongAwkPause

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About Christopher De Voss (132 Articles)
Voice over actor, writer on various websites, published author, should not eat cheese but still does. Producer for The Super True Crime Podcast, Podfix Presents, and 2 Drunk Mills And A Gen Z. Follow me on twitter: @chrisdevoss

30 Comments on The Saturday Six: R-Rated Children’s Books?

  1. I always read to my children every night, my sons are 8 and 11. I will be very sad when and if they ask me to stop, its the one time we all get together, calm and enjoy a story x


  2. Now I know where all the banned books go.
    The bookshelves in the back room of L.A.P.


  3. J.D. Gallagher // June 7, 2014 at 11:28 am //

    Reblogged this on J.D. Gallagher.


  4. nudgeandwink // June 7, 2014 at 1:42 pm //

    Reblogged this on The Nudge Wink Report and commented:
    It’s the afternoon of June 7th and Oma is…somewhere else. We don’t know where he is and we’ve checked all the usual places. But it’s Saturday and NWR ALWAYS POSTS ON SATURDAYS!
    Good thing we follow Long Awkward Pause and we know they won’t mind the reblog. If you see Oma, tell him we were concerned. Not so much about his post but about the snacks he promised office staff.


  5. The titles alone are golden! Very funny. Thanks, LAP!


  6. I think you guys are on to something here…or on something…one of those.


  7. This is epic. In a sick way, but epic.


  8. OMG, where were you guys when my kids were young?


  9. I’m pretty sure these were on the bookshelf of the one of the foster homes I was in. I got the hell out of there.


  10. Twisted. Happy ummm…something!


  11. Where do I begin?
    The LAP team has become a force to be reckoned with. I lost right off the bat and you kept me off-center the whole time, guys.
    Well done!


  12. Reblogged this on lorwp and commented:
    Oh dear…


  13. ” I also loved the sequel, “No More Wire Hangers!”

    Oh ahahahaha! Mommie Dearest sure is the best movie ever.


  14. I think you all have deep psychological issues dating back to your childhood.


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