LAP chews fat with Surgeon General about obesity problem

 

Like many of you, I’ll never forget where I was when I heard the shocking news that obesity had officially become the No. 1 preventable health crisis in the nation. In fact, I can even tell you which super-sized meal I was eating.

With millions of Americans resolved to lose weight for the New Year, now is the perfect time for us to make changes in our eating habits before the unthinkable happens, and we’re forced to apologize to the French for throwing the earth off its axis.

With that in mind, we at Long Awkward Pause scheduled a special Q&A session with the U.S. Surgeon General to explain America’s obesity problem, and how we can get back to living healthy lives cut short by smoking and drinking…

LAP: How did we get so fat?

SG: Let’s start around 200,000 B.C., when early man was scavenging for food and living in dirty enclosures littered with bones and debris — a way of life that can still be observed in many college dorms today. The difference is that, in prehistoric times, “fast food” was something hairy traveling on all fours. While there are plenty of campus refrigerators filled with hairy food items, in most cases it has stopped moving by the time it’s eaten. Because of this, early man had the distinct health advantage of burning fat in order to obtain food, compared to what many college students burn, which is generally a large Papa Murphy’s pizza.

LAP: Then how do so many college students stay so trim?

SG: Because their metabolism is still very high. This allows them to continue their bad eating habits without consequence until around age 30, when their metabolism suddenly kicks into reverse and, without warning, starts sucking up fat like a industrial shop-vac.

LAP: What can we do to break this unhealthy cycle?

SG: The problem is that food has become too convenient. It wasn’t long ago that Americans were a trim people undaunted by the idea of actually walking into a fast food restaurant and standing in line before being fed. Now, drive-up windows hand us food bags roughly the size of a potato sack, which we plant between the seats in our tank-sized SUVs. To break the cycle we must return to our hunter-gatherer roots. How?

LAP: Hey, that’s my line.

SG: Sorry.

LAP: *clears throat* How do we return to our hunter-gatherer roots?

SG: By making it more difficult to obtain fast food. This can be achieved any number of ways, starting with the implementation of smaller, highly mobile fast-food restaurants capable of changing locations on a moment’s notice and reaching speeds of 40 mph or more. You may know where Arby’s is today, but what about tomorrow? And if you do spot one, what if it runs off? True, there’s always a chance of finding a herd of Arby’s, but chances are you won’t be able to bring one down by yourself.

LAP: I’m not sure about that idea.

SG: Please keep your comments in the form of a question.

LAP: Fine: Are you nuts?

SG: Okay, instead of mobile restaurants, how about making any fast food purchase a life-or-death situation by forcing consumers to fight a mountain lion…

LAP: A mountain lion?!?

SG: Just a small one.

LAP: […]

SG: What’s the matter?

LAP: Um… Are you dieting right now?

SG: YES, DAMN IT!

LAP: Please calm down, General.

SG: Then stop waving those succulent chicken fingers in my FACE!

LAP: That’s my hand, and those are just my normal fingers.

SG: Really?…wow. Sorry. This dieting thing is tougher than I thought.

LAP: It’s OK.

SG: Can I bum a smoke?

LAP: WHAT?!?

SG: I could really use a cigarette right now.

LAP: You’re the Surgeon General! You have your own warning on every pack of cigarettes!

SG: I know, right? I also warn everyone about heart disease. What happens? Taco Bell introduces Fourth Meal, Carl’s Jr. comes out with a triple bacon burger topped with an egg and sausage, and Donald Trump decides to run for president!

LAP: What does Trump have to do with…

SG: Care for a drink? *Pulls pint of Jim Beam from coat*

LAP: I can’t believe this. You’re supposed to be “America’s Doctor,” leading us by example and sharing information to help us live longer, healthier lives! And here you are drinking, smoking and…

SG: I hate to interrupt, but are you going to eat that last maple bacon bar?

LAP: *sigh* Go for it. I think we’re done here. My stomach is feeling queasy.

SG: You know, you should really think about getting a flu shot…

Obviously, this interview didn’t go as expected. However, judging from what the Surgeon General has planned with mountain lions, it sounds like getting in shape is still a good idea. Especially if you want to avoid being one of those Americans “dying to eat fast food.”

 

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